Post your "F*cked Gaijin Moments" (tm)

[ultragaijin]

Again, kamome inspires another thread with his one of his posts:

Here's a hint: NEVER go to bed with a Japanese girl while wearing your socks. I learned my lesson after being laughed out of the room once for doing that; it completely spoiled the mood. No matter how, um, excited things get, be sure to take off your socks before getting it on.

I know it may be a little redundant, since almost every discussion here involves some sort of "F*cked Gaijin Moment", but let's give it a shot...

[kamome]

How's this for another f*ed gaijin moment?

Everyone in my office went on a 3-day retreat to Hakone for "training" (actually an elaborate excuse to party with co-workers and eat at buffets). Anyway, some of us went on a serious drinking binge on the last night before we left. We played "pin pon pan", a simple Japanese drinking game designed to get everyone f*ed up. The only alcohol available was red wine, which I'm not particularly accustomed to drinking.

After a few hours of playing the game, I got totally smashed. I remember getting back to my room and ralphing in the toilet bowl so violently that half the bathroom was covered in red droplets from all the regurgitated wine. I also fell asleep with my contact lenses in.

The next morning I woke up to find that red crescents of blood had appeared in the whites of my eyes. After a couple of days, my eyes were completely blood red--not just bloodshot, but fully red like a rabbit. It was totally grotesque but not painful at all. I looked like that for a month and had to walk around the office looking like a cocaine addict until the blood drained from my eyeballs. This of course earned me the reputation of "asobinin" at work. And to this day, my coworkers refer to that episode and laugh.

Is that a f*ed gaijin story or what?

[ultragaijin]

Yes, "That's a F*cked Gaijin Moment!" :eeh:

[kamome]

Damn, that's like tricking a vegetarian into eating hamburger. :x

[ultragaijin]

...so I ate it and then asked what it was.

'KUJIRA' (fried whale!) :!: :o :oops: , she said. And, actually, it was pretty damn good!

I told you it was good...

[cstaylor]

Eager beavers diving into old pornos for new tricks (http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/waiwai/index.html)
"Oh my God!" wails another. "He's still got his socks on. What a geek."
:wink:

[ultragaijin]

Well, this is a repost (http://www.fuckedgaijin.com/forums/showthread.php?t=945). And you might also want to post the correct link (http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/waiwai/0207/020708pornos.html), rather than the WaiWai front page next time (WaiWai is tricky like that).

Thanks for you cooperation. :P

[Narujiro]

Socks??

Why socks??

I remember reading something about this in a Mainichi Shinbun article, and didn't quite understand what the deal was with the socks reference... ?

-----
Nullzero

[Crispy]

Why was Mos Burger recommended to me?? Those burgers are tiny and friggin' expensive! Also the guy at the register tried to use English on us, and because of my complete lack of understanding him the order took forever. Becker's is pretty good, but still smaller than I would like. I have given up trying to find an American-sized burger here. Oh well, there is plenty of oyakudon to fill me up.

[GuyJean]

Those burgers are tiny and friggin' expensive!
You want cheap? Stick with onegiri; healthy, filling, inexpensive, and free Kanji lesson.

For fast food, there's only one way; the Subway. Veggies and cheese for 597yen. Plus you get to speak more Japanese if you're particular about what you want on your sandwich.

Oh, you gotta love Matsuya or Yoshinoya!! Big, steamy pile o' BSE for 240yen!

Enjoy today!

GJ

[kamome]

Socks??

Why socks??

I remember reading something about this in a Mainichi Shinbun article, and didn't quite understand what the deal was with the socks reference... ?

-----
Nullzero

Don't ask me, I was just a victim. Maybe it's just not aesthetically pleasing to see someone wearing socks in bed.

[gaijinzilla]

Seems to me, lately, that every day living here is a f*cked gaijin moment :alien:

[GomiGirl]

I hate being overlooked by the kleenex people - you know the ones that hang outside of Shinjuku (or other large station) and hand out tissues with advertising. :(

They take one look at my lily white skin and don't offer the tissues - but these are really useful - especially as most public bathrooms don't have paper.

I can read the advertising on them but take as much notice of them as the next person - so why do I get overlooked. :roll:

That is enough for today.... :D

[Ketou]

First week in Japan.

A friend and I went to a local shop to get some lunch, of course as we could read anything we chose a shop with a display in the window!!
Anyway, when the food arrived the waiter pointed to a cup filled with chopsticks. We both pulled out some out chopsticks and looked at each other incredulous over the size of them. Being hopeless at using chopsticks is bad enough but trying to eat with these giants was a nightmare. This of course amused the other patrons no end.
Eventually the master took pity on us and taking one of my chopsticks he broke it in two!! :oops:

[gomichild]

I was in a kaiten-sushi place with an American ratbag buddy when he asked me whether you could just order wasabi.

Amazingly 10 minutes later a guy a couple of seats up from us does - and they give him a plate of wasabi. My buddy decides to do the same - and I agree to pay for the meal if he eats the entire plate.

To the amazement of the entire restaurant he grabs a plate of maguro, halves up the wasabi and eats it. There were no tears or coughing or any physical evidence of discomfort.

The people around us broke out into applause and I got stuck with the bill...

[Anonymous]

well i was in a bar with a bunch of japanese friends (mostly women). anyhow someone went on to a topic that they tried some sort of potato chips, they opened the pack and the chips smelt like sperm.

well i was preoccupied and only partially heard. well it was noisy, the japanese accents are wierd and i thought i heard spam...the wonderfully bad meat by product.

i was suprised to hear the word. so i decided to question people if they had ever eaten it. i wondered if it was popular in japan, i asked if many people ate it. i went on and said that occasionally i eat it and that my mother even uses it sometimes in her cooking.

needless to say there were shocked looks all around and i was wondering what the heck was going on.

[kamome]

Hahahaha...that IS a f*ed gaijin moment!

[American Oyaji]

When I was in the Air Force I never went to the dives that the regular airmen went to. I thought they were noisy and raucus. I found a nice place and had a repore with the mama. (I got to KNOW her very well despite the differences in age).

Well one Saturday night, I was GONE and she asks me if I would like some taco. I'm thining. WOW, tacos in Japan, I havent had tacos since I came in country. So I tell her in my broken Japanese that I love tacos and I ate lots back in America.

Imagine my suprise when she comes out and sets before me a plate of octopus sashimi.

What's a guy to do? To save face I ate it.

(for the record I now like it. But then it was the first time)

A lot of my first time foods happened that way.

I also swore I would never eat sushi.

WEEEeeell. I married a woman whose father is an itamae.

So the first time I eat at their house, what is made?

Big huge heaping plates of sushi. And beer.

What am I to do? refuse my father in law and embarrass each other in the process?

I ate it........and I am a sushi addict to this day.

[Crispy]

I was at McDonald's about to order a 9-piece Chicken McNuggets, when I realized I had no fucking clue what counter suffix to use with McNuggets, so I just said "chicken mcnuggets, kyuukai, onegaishimasu".

Then things got confusing. The woman (I believe the manager) said "kyuukoubi (or possibly something else, I had no idea what she was saying) wa yoroshii desu ka?"

I wasnt' expecting anything like that so I asked her to repeat. This time she helped by holding up one hand, palm forward, in a gesture I interpreted as indicating the number five, while saying nine-something again.

That happened several more times, repeatedly saying nine while holding up five fingers, I think I ended the conversation with "ええと。。。ちょっとわかりませんけど、どちらでも大 丈夫です。" or something similar. Either way, she had a "stupid gaijin" look on her face. I have eaten fast food a lot of times here and that is the only time I have had any kind of problem.

[Crispy]

I never ask for special orders for that reason, when i want to eat I want to eat, and taking extra time at the register with the Japanese second guessing everything I do just makes me eat later.

Thinking about it, something similar happened before. I went to a ticket-vending type donburi place and ordered an extra large gyuudon. The guy saw the ticket, pointed at the 大盛 and said 並、ですか？ I didn't know exactly what to say, I guess he thought I meant I wanted a medium. Anyway, I got a large after explaining that I did indeed want a large size one.

[American Oyaji]

Heh,
I'm so large that when I order a medium, they ask me if I want the large.

But asking for special orders in the states is the same. Except they dont double check with you, they just screw the order up.

[Crispy]

Unless a 9-piece chicken mcnuggets or a large gyuudon is a special order in Japan, that wasn't the case here. Either way, I would be happier if they just said はい、ありがとうございます、少々お待ちください and delivered me something else entirely, instead of standing at the register trying to understand each other while people are waiting.

[GomiGirl]

This week I have locked horns with a very disagreeable JR career man - I suppose I would be grumpy too but anyways here is my story..

As I usually work late, I know the times of the last trains from the local stations - also the trains I need to get to make the connections and which car I need to be in that corresponds to the exit at my destination.(I know that in itself is f*cked)

I waited at "H" Station 15 mintues from 12:25-12:40. The Yamanote was supposed to arrive at 12:35 as I only need to go one station to make the connection for the subway to take me back to my palace. The last subway leaves station "Y" at 12:41 so even though I made a mad dash through the gate and down the stairs - scarf flying "Red-Baron" style - I missed the last subway. I was FURIOUS - but feeling a bit adventureous perhaps due to the half bottle of red I had just consumed with some friends.. so I took on the little grumpy man at JR station "Y".

Well my options were these:
1. Cab from station "Y" home - estimated cost Y3,500 on night tarriff (Yes I know that I have been here way too long)

2. Catch last Yamanote to station "I" and get cab from there. Y1,500

So naturally I chose the latter option. But not before attempting to have my transport to station "I" and either of the cab fares re-imbursed by JR.

Well this is where the fun began. I quietly explained in my best Japanese that I felt that as JR were responsible for me missing my last train that I should be compensated for the a) incovenience and b) the cost of the taxi to my desination.

The little man - about 58 years old and he obviously hasn't had a BJ in a very long time considering his complete lack of humour - said that he couldn't help me and that I would have to buy a ticket to get me to Station "I". The train was leaving in 10=12 minutes or so.

Then I started to use some pretty bad Japanese. (An aside : My secretary always tells me I should speak more like a lady, but considering I have learnt most of my everyday Japanese from drinking in my fave Golden Gai bar - it is quite masculine)

I insisted that JR need to compensate for my travel. After trying to stare me down - a bad move as my opponent will lose everytime - he then tried to ignore me - but I stood right in his face with my arms crossed and asked for a ticket. He then went over to the ticket gates and fished around in the ticket collection containers and found some tickets that had some value left on them - ie he was not going to issue new tickets but use unreimbursed overpaid tickets from during the day.

I forgot to mention that I was not alone in this battle/challenge. There was a guy also in the same predicament as myself and every now and then we would grin at each other and giggle but put back on the stone faces to complete our quest. This was quite funny as I was just being a difficult traveller and the other guy was happy for me to take on the JR man as he was likely to get a free ride home as well.

I guess if I hadn't had been in such a naughty mood after drinking with some girlfriends I would have just quietly submitted and bought a ticket and paid for my cab ride. But perhaps because the JR man was SOOO rude and dismissive at first that it just set me off and I was not going to back down. I don't think it had anything to do with the colour of my skin - rather that I had the audacity to question something after I was told "DAME".

Perhaps I have been inspired by the Hokkaido ruling I don't know, however, the other traveller and myself have written a strongly worded letter to JR requesting re-imbursement for the taxi. We don't expect to win I would do the same thing if I was in any other country so it can't hurt.

So is this a FG moment?

[Anonymous]

This is an f'd up gaijin moment. What the hell are you talking about. Why does JR owe you anything. It is completely unclear.

Do the JR people strike you as rude. Maybe you would be rude to after spending twenty years dealing with multiple dickhead foreigners who don't know the rules (and other assorted drunks of all denominations).

He hasn't had a bj? Maybe we can end the world's misery of dealing with you by slipping you and exploding dildo.

Sheesh.

[ultragaijin]

So is this a FG moment?

No, it only counts if it's caught on video. Now THAT I would pay to see. That was some major wa disturbance. They'll probably never let soused Australian women on the Yamanote again.

[gomichild]

honestly u.g. you and your wa fixation :P

I've had a train FG moment as a soused aussie girl myself - but it started because an even drunker Japanese salarymen was disturbing my wa...2 female friends and I were talking in English - at a normal level of conversation in a very noisy crowded last Inokashira line train - when this oyaji turned around and told us to shut up. I turned around and in a rare moment of lucid Japanese told him that he was being rude and that he was the one who should be quiet.

The entire carriage went quiet instead.

To cut an epic story short the fight continued. He tried to stare me down but realized that he only came up to my chin. Another man (short older Japanese guy in a leather coat) tried to intervene for us, telling the guy to be quiet and the oyaji grabbed him by his jacket and threatened him. I grabbed the oyaji and made him let go of the dude and argued some more.

Finally the oyaji got off the train, I thanked the guy who had stood up for us and the wa in the carriage was restored.

I look back at it fondly though as the time when I bettered an obnoxious old bastard - in seemingly fluent Japanese...

[ultragaijin]

it started because an even drunker Japanese salarymen was disturbing my wa...

Lesson 1:

Gaijin do not have wa.

Lesson 2:

Gaijin do not have inshindenshin.

Lesson 3:

Gaijin cannot taste umami.


in a very noisy crowded last Inokashira line train

Hmm, I'm sensing a trend here. Why don't you people head home at a reasonable hour? That would solve all your problems. Last trains and gaijin do not mix. :wink:

[cstaylor]

Lesson 1:
Gaijin do not have wa.

No, but we do have common sense
Lesson 2:
Gaijin do not have inshindenshin
No, but we do have analytical logic. Works as an adequate replacement most of the time. ;)

[gomichild]

in a very noisy crowded last Inokashira line train

Hmm, I'm sensing a trend here. Why don't you people head home at a reasonable hour? That would solve all your problems. Last trains and gaijin do not mix. :wink:

Gimme a break :P I'd been out consoling myself about the fact that I'd quit my job that very arvo...

[ultragaijin]

Gimme a break I'd been out consoling myself about the fact that I'd quit my job that very arvo...

In that case, I find it works much better to stay out all night and take the first train in the morning. You run into a lot less oyaji that way too. :P

[American Oyaji]

In my eight years of living in Japan. Very few Japanese have ever disagreed with me.

Dont know if its because I'm 6'9" or because of my cheerful disposition.


All of my FG moments came because of my own ignorance.

[Anonymous]

I just finished a lesson and the next hour was free, no-one wanted my lesson, so i was just sitting around loitering and having fun with one of the staff. I was at the front counter behind it on a swivel chair. I spun around a few times yelling "wheeee" but that got tired quickly. I was looking under the counter. On the counter there is the PC they use for booking lessons, under the counter are the textbooks and various other crap. On top of the books on the bottom shelf was a small black box.

The black box was about the size of a remote control, pretty think, void of features. It was monted on a black case which it kinda slid into. It clipped around the underside of it. The box looked like a handicam battery mounted on some sort of charger. But this bottom was not attached to anything. It didnt plug in, or do anything. I pulled it apart and put it together. The unit was light, it felt too light to be or hold batteries. I noticed 2 red buttons, one on each side. Curious. I wondered what it was for.

The buttons invited. "press me, press me...." Without hesitation i pressed one, then the other, nothing happened, then simutaneously. nothing happened. I noticed a small red LED on the top of the unit which i didnt notice before. Nothing happened, i got bored and put it down. As i did so the phone rang. I thought nothing of it as its a usual occurance. I was hoping it was my next student calling to cancell a lesson so i wouldnt have to teach more.

It was security. I had triggered the silent alarm.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooops

[Gestalt]

I went on the radio years ago, on a show where they invite a FG on to talk about their experiences in Japan. It was around Christmas time and I knew they would ask me about Christmas back home (Australia).
Realising I didn't know the word for 'fireplace' I whipped out the tiny, crap dictionary which I had been using since highschool. This dictionary had no example sentences and basically just listed three or four words which all apparently meant 'fireplace'. No problem, I just memorised the first one and on I went. During the (live) show which was in a glass walled studio in the middle of a crowded shopping center I was of course asked about Christmas and so I launched into a detailed explaination of how Santa Claus comes down the chimney and out of the fireplace to leave presents for kids. It was only later that I found out that the first word in my dictionary - irori - was actually a traditional japanese fireplace which is basically a pit full of ashes in the middle of the floor. The DJ on the show did very well to keep a straight face :oops:
Moral of the story? Get a good dictionary :wink:

http://www.hiba-gon.com/taikenshisetsu/irori.jpg
Figure 1. Irori 囲炉裏　　Santa would have to dig his way out of one of these like something from Night of the Living Dead..

http://www.genevaonthelake.com/Fireplace.jpg
Figure 2. Danro　暖炉

[sideways_gaijin]

Just coz you're a girl in Japan doesn't mean you have to be rude to Oyaji! Maybe it's coz I'm a bloke but I didn't find the business men to be smelly and rude? Respect your elders :wink:

Only FG moment I can recall involves a late train too. Coming from Ichikawa to Chiba at around 11pm there was a real drunk oyaji (is there a word for that?) that had his arm fully stretched out using his briefcase to help him balance. Another drunken dude knocked into him. They started arguing and shouting at eachother. When the 1st oyaji came and sat opposite me on the train I couldnt help laugh at his wobbling around. The guy then started calling me bageiro and other rude words. I had only been in Japan for about a week and didn't know much lingo so I just said the 1st bad word that came into my mind...."manko daisuki". It kinda worked. He just laughed and made a gaijin comment about me.

Definately a newbie FG moment!