Japan: Magnet for Losers

[Screwed Up Eyes]

Here's my take on what a loser it:

A college graduate who works at a dead end job back in his own home country. Everyday he's bitching and moaning because he can never seem to get ahead and then he takes this frustration out on others.

Sorry...I misread this....I didn't realize at first that there was an "a" in the bolded text and was about to claim that this was me to a tee...

[yarichin01]

I personally feel like a bit of a loser here. I've met FG of all types so I think its just a case by case thing. If some one is happy making 25 man a month ALT it up at 40 years old with no real prospects for advancement, who am I too judge them.

To me, Japan is great place to visit but I don't want to be living here again at the age 31 and good prospects back home. Yet I don't think I have those same prospects in Bumfuck Egypt, Niigata. I was duped into coming back.

Actually I could use some advise from some you senior married FGs. Despite my screen name I'm married and earlier this year my wife's father passed. She is an only child and I agreed to come back for a year so she could help get her family's affairs in order. But now she is always dropping hints about us staying here; constantly saying how great it would be to not worry about buying a house, car etc. She is not taking any steps for care or sale of the property. She has not told me her moms wishes (even though I have asked her clearly about what mom wants). Her mom is only 58 and is in good health but possibly not financially stable.

Wifey hasn't even mentioned going back to the US once. I know she cares for her widowed mom but I have told her mom is more than welcome to stay with us permanently but there's visa issues we need to start the process on. Then this just becomes the source for an argument about me being insensitive.

This is my 4th non-consecutive year in Japan. We met in college in the US and agreed we would live in the US before we were married. I'm not critical of any FG who chooses to make a life here but its just not for me. Honestly I'm ready to go back ASAP. I'm ready to move on (from being on FG status not my wife). What should I do? Should I put my foot down and give an ultimatum?

[Selby]

I am a lurker, I am not a FG, in fact I have only visited japan twice. I just enjoy the posters on this forum. Let me ask you, are you a teacher? If not what would you do in japan? Your wife has to realize that you really can't get a office job or any type of civil employment being a gaijin.

Does she want you to be a house husband? I know programs like jet employ teachers with no experience but that usually only last a year or 2. For you, teaching would be a career. Is that something you can live with? Your wife can get a "normal" job in american alot easier then you can get one in japan.
(from what I have read here, I dont know first hand)

[Iraira]

That's understandable since being from California, you have never had the opportunity to be exposed to the English language.....

But did you notice that he described me more accurately in the other examples?

I can totally speak fluent Malibu dude, go home val! I didn't know you were also an Aussie-Brit-Hawaiian-Thai boy....that anti-multiple personality medication ain't working, is it? Call me when the $5 crackwhore personality takes over.

[Mock Cockpit]

This is my 4th non-consecutive year in Japan. We met in college in the US and agreed we would live in the US before we were married. I'm not critical of any FG who chooses to make a life here but its just not for me. Honestly I'm ready to go back ASAP. I'm ready to move on (from being on FG status not my wife). What should I do? Should I put my foot down and give an ultimatum?

When you marry someone from another country one of you is going to have to live in the "foreign" country and circumstances don't always dictate that you get to choose. If you're not prepared to face that reality then you were too immature to get married and have made a mistake.

[latinoinjapan]

I personally feel like a bit of a loser here. I've met FG of all types so I think its just a case by case thing...


Wifey hasn't even mentioned going back to the US once. I know she cares for her widowed mom I'm ready to move on (from being on FG status not my wife). What should I do? Should I put my foot down and give an ultimatum?

I think you wife needs to understand mom needs to move on and live her own life...she didn't die with dad.....think creatively....maybe rent the house out to someone and move into a small apartment for herself, so you guys can also move on and go back to US...as much as she cares about mom and feels the obligation to care for her, you 2 need to move on according to plan. Ask your wife to ask mom point blank what she expects from her, considering mom is well and may be able to care for herself...

You may also sit down with your wife and make a "life plan," taking into consideration your career and hers, what you both what to achieve in the future as a couple and individuals and, of course financial goals...mom can be part of the picture in the long run, but if you guys don't secure your own future and your children's, your future and even mom's (when she is unable to care for herself) will be at risk...

You're not being insensitive, but realistic and future oriented...

[Yokohammer]

Wifey hasn't even mentioned going back to the US once. I know she cares for her widowed mom but I have told her mom is more than welcome to stay with us permanently but there's visa issues we need to start the process on. Then this just becomes the source for an argument about me being insensitive.

I assume that means you're saying that mom is welcome to stay with you in the US ... which from the mom and wife perspective is probably just plain impractical. A 58 year old woman giving up the home she's lived in for years to go live in a foreign country where she doesn't understand the language (I assume), isn't familiar with the culture, might have problems with the food, and has no friends or family other than the daughter and son-in-law? Sounds like a bad idea to me, which is probably why your wife gets annoyed.

We met in college in the US and agreed we would live in the US before we were married.

Once again, from the wife perspective I'm guessing that the fact that dad is now gone means that the situation has changed. Obviously from your perspective it hasn't: a deal is a deal. This is the sort of thing that can and does destroy international relationships, and I think you'd better be prepared to do some serious level-headed talking. Remind her that she agreed to live in the US, and tell her straight up that you're not confident that you'll be able to live in Japan, which is why the agreement was made in the first place. Her viewpoint is likely to be a bit different, and all you can do is talk it through. That's "talk it through," not "scream and shout it through." How well you handle that part will largely determine the outcome.

Either way, it sounds like a tricky situation (just one of many that this thing called "life" seems to throw our way at the most inopportune times). Either someone is going to have to compromise, or you'll end up going your own separate ways. Maybe there's a way that you can both compromise.

You didn't mention children, so I assume there are none, and that definitely simplifies things a bit.

Hope it goes well for all of you.

[Screwed Up Eyes]

[quote="yarichin01"]I personally feel like a bit of a loser here. I've met FG of all types so I think its just a case by case thing. If some one is happy making 25 man a month ALT it up at 40 years old with no real prospects for advancement, who am I too judge them.

To me, Japan is great place to visit but I don't want to be living here again at the age 31 and good prospects back home. Yet I don't think I have those same prospects in Bumfuck Egypt, Niigata. I was duped into coming back.

Actually I could use some advise from some you senior married FGs. Despite my screen name I'm married and earlier this year my wife's father passed. She is an only child and I agreed to come back for a year so she could help get her family's affairs in order. But now she is always dropping hints about us staying here]

Wow, this post hit me hard. I was in a similar situation. My first bit of advice if it's not too late -- do not have any kids. Repeat: ABSOLUTELY, DO NOT HAVE ANY KIDS.
I was in an almost identical situation with my marriage -- wifey an only child, looking after mum and dad (who both subsequently died, with dad refusing offers to join us overseas so I could pursue a career where my nationality wasn't going to determine how far I could climb up the corporate ladder). My career was going OK in Japan at the time, so I could handle it. Then, I had kids. Didn't think much of it for a few years, then suddenly my career bellyflopped. Couldn't move the kids, wifey entrenched here, absolutely no career prospects for myself. The marriage ended in an acrimonious divorce and left me with the choice of seeing the kids (who I utterly adore) or going home to salvage something of a professional life. The upshot: Middle-aged, working a McJob -- where if I bust my guts for the next 20 years or so I may rise to excatly the same position I occupy now -- and a series of stints in looney bins over the past few years.
If you've got kids, well, lay back and enjoy it, dude. I hear they've got some pretty good weed up in Niigata. Otherwise, let wifey know you're pretty pissed about the situation and would like to get home and that mum is welcome, but you've gotta get out of this place.
I really hope things work out for you.

[IparryU]

That's understandable since being from California, you have never had the opportunity to be exposed to the English language.....

But did you notice that he described me more accurately in the other examples?

You hurt my feelings... Now I have to go back to my ESL instructor and bitch at her for not learning me good English.

Might have to pick up on my Spanish again before I talk to her so we can understand each other....

[hurryharry]

....sounds like a bad idea to me, which is probably why your wife gets annoyed....

The wife's utmost obligation is to the husband, not the mother...and if it is, then marry mom or don't marry at all....can't have he cake and eat it, too...

[Yokohammer]

The wife's utmost obligation is to the husband, not the mother...and if it is, then marry mom or don't marry at all....can't have he cake and eat it, too...

Maybe that's the way it works where you come from, but TIJ.
Assuming that all cultures in all countries are or should be based on the values you personally grew up with is a huge mistake.

[Screwed Up Eyes]

The wife's utmost obligation is to the husband, not the mother...and if it is, then marry mom or don't marry at all....can't have he cake and eat it, too...

Maybe not, but if he was as perverted as I am, there's always oyakodon (look it up...)

[Screwed Up Eyes]

Maybe that's the way it works where you come from, but TIJ.
Assuming that all cultures in all countries are or should be based on the values you personally grew up with is a huge mistake.

Nah....just speak louder Engrish and them foreigners'll come around to it eventually...

[rooboy]

Fuck, shows me the wisdom of keeping to my serial monogamy with J girls with me meeting their olds about as likely to happen as me becoming Prime Minister of Oz.

I've avoided Japanese parents like the fucking bubonic plague but I think it's damned hard for the gaijin in the situations posters outlined here. Japanese obligation culture means that the Japanese woman will 9xout of ten put her old widowed dear first, fucked tho that is for the gaijin who doesn't want shit to do with Japan long term.

It sucks shit. A gaijin with real advancement prospects at home needs to be there but the J wife is gonna do everything she can to meet her family obligations. Very difficult situation, could even lead to a breakup if youre prepared to go down that road. But then theres the problem of kids if have any. Fuck, doesn't seem any choice is gonna be good.

[yarichin01]

I really do appreciate the advice and apologize for the thread hijacking.
I can't respond to everything so I'll try to cover the major points. No kids yet but we planned on having them in the next few years.
Mom is not really Ms. International Experience but she doesn't exactly drive an ominous black van around Tokyo on the weekends either. She has traveled and also stayed with us in the states before.
My wife and I have both planned and begun career paths in the US and I just don't see how this situation changes that. I think she will come to her senses but how long will that take and what will the consequences be? This is my fear.
The bottom line is I'm not going to leave my wife;she is my heart.But I'm afraid this situation will just build a level of resentment that will eventually fuck up the marriage and leave me either stuck here because of kids or just fucked in general.

[yarichin01]

I hear they've got some pretty good weed up in Niigata.

I smell weed all the time out here, especially lately (harvest season) but I've never seen any outside of Tokyo.

[latinoinjapan]

[quote="yarichin01"]I really do appreciate the advice and apologize for the thread hijacking.
I can't respond to everything so I'll try to cover the major points. No kids yet but we planned on having them in the next few years.
Mom is not really Ms. International Experience but she doesn't exactly drive an ominous black van around Tokyo on the weekends either. She has traveled and also stayed with us in the states before.
My wife and I have both planned and begun career paths in the US and I just don't see how this situation changes that. I think she will come to her senses but how long will that take and what will the consequences be? This is my fear.
The bottom line is I'm not going to leave my wife]

Good luck, dude!

[sillygirl]

I smell weed all the time out here, especially lately (harvest season) but I've never seen any outside of Tokyo.

Tochigi.

There's even a taima museum in Nasu...

'Nuff said

[Greji]

Tochigi.

There's even a taima museum in Nasu...

'Nuff said

Yup and one of your obachan friends up there told me you even tried to smoke the rope strung around the waiting room area...

[Iraira]

Tochigi. There's even a taima museum in Nasu...

Do you need a doctor's prescription to buy anything at the gift shop?

[sillygirl]

Yup and one of your obachan friends up there told me you even tried to smoke the rope strung around the waiting room area...

Ah, the obachan that caught me trying to smoke the bell rope at the temple?

Nosey cow...

[Christoff]

Those gaiiin who marry rich J chicks are the worst...I met 4 or 5 fuckers who were just pathetic:

....a delusional Cambridge graduate who was always high on medication and could not get on a train....and therefore could not do much in Japan....wifey had to escort him to job interviews because he got medicated to be able to ride the train...

...an alcoholic Aussie obsessed with high school girls, Thai boys and web surfing...drank 2 bottles of Jack Daniels a day...wife's daddy gave them a bunch of apartment buildings to "manage"..

...a mentally unstable Brit who was your best buddy at 2:00pm, but could rip you apart at 2:05....mood swings, you now...was fired from Nova for assaulting a taxi driver...openly cried after a student missed all the answers on a test on the use of the Present Perfect...

...a fat Hawaiian that ate all day and didn't even bother to get a job because "my wife's dad supports us..."

...a latin Casanova that quit his "International Business Manager" job at wife's dad's company because he couldn't shag any of the secretaries...got fired from 3 companies in 1 year over sexual harassment...I hired and fired him and then wife gave him the papers....he's back in fucked up Venezuela selling used motorcycles...

..I feel sorry for their wives, but wonder how someone could live like fuckers like these....

Where do I find one of these lovely ladies?

[Samurai_Jerk]

[quote="yarichin01"]The bottom line is I'm not going to leave my wife]

The bottom line is you do what you have to do and if she refuses to follow then she left you. DO NOT stay in Japan. It will ruin your career prospects forever. Get the fuck out ASAP. Hire a hit man to make mom meet an early accidental death of that's what it takes but GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!

[Samurai_Jerk]

Maybe that's the way it works where you come from, but TIJ.

This is a Confucian society. One the daughter is married off her first duty IS to her husband. The only reason mom would ever come before husband's career in husband is an FG.

[latinoinjapan]

I forgot to mention the 30-some-year-old Englidh-teaching Bostonian "pick-up artist" who especialized in shagging obachans...he'd screw 2-3 a day until he messed with the wife of a small time yakuza and got the shit beaten out of him so hard he ended up in hospital and had to move cities...he wrote to the US embassy asking for help...like they'd give a fuck....what goes around , comes around....

[Greji]

This is a Confucian society. One the daughter is married off her first duty IS to her husband. The only reason mom would ever come before husband's career in husband is an FG.

Does that count if you're doing the mom too?

[Screwed Up Eyes]

Does that count if you're doing the mom too?

Yeah, being a Confucian society, doesn't yarichin have an obligation to do the mum, too?

I kinda like the idea, the main drawback being that my ex-wife's mum has been dead for a couple of decades...

[IparryU]

Where do I find one of these lovely ladies?

Ya put me on the list too

[Greji]

Ah, the obachan that caught me trying to smoke the bell rope at the temple?

Nosey cow...

Ya wouldn'na been caught if you hadn'na used the bell for a bong.....

[nottu]