The story of Hank, AKA: A case of Gaijin wierdness

[silverfall]

This is a true story. Swear to god.

A friend of mine was an ALT in Koga. It's a small city an hour and a half north of Tokyo. He quit his job and moved to a new apartment in the next town over. A new ALT was hired and took over his apartment. We went over to introduce ourselves and pick up some mail that had been delivered there.

I knew something was strange before we even got to the door. We could hear death metal blasting through the paper thin walls and the occupant was screaming at a dog that was barking across the street.

We knocked on the door and a few seconds later we were greeted by a fellow with long greasy black hair. We said hello and introduced ourselves. He stared back at us with a blank look on his face. Afeter a few seconds of listening to the gears grinding in his head he told us his name and invited us in.

Inside we made small talk. He Told us he had been living in Korea, but he had "Escaped" a bad job. I asked what he was listening to. "Oh, It's just death metal. I like angry music." Was his reply. "I was listening to it while I worked on my screenplay."

I asked what it was about.

"It takes place after the fall of America. It's about a hundred years in the future. The premise is that after we used up all the oil the world economy fell apart and the population shrank down to about what is was in the middle ages."

I asked him why that would happen and mentioned several alternative fuel sources. He ignored my shooting his plot to pieces completely and turned the conversation to customs. He told us he had heard it was rude to pour soy sauce on your rice. I said it wasnt and told him it was only rude to put your chopsticks into the rice or lick them. His face lit up like a child and he ran to his room and brought back a black laquered box holding his gold embossed chopsticks. He said "It's also probably not a good idea to do this." and he proceeded to mime sticking them up his ass. Remember. This is five minutes after we had met him. I felt a little uncomfortable.

It got worse. He then stuck them under his lips like a walrus and said...wait for it..."I vant to suck your blood." We didnt laugh so he though we didnt hear it and did it again. and then again a third time.

Finally we asked for the mail and high tailed it out of there as fast as possible. As we left we could hear his start screaming at the dog again. We laughed like fools all the way home.

Hank and others like him who were hired without some kind of mental exam or background check for a history of mental illness are the reason the Japanese suck at speaking English.

[prancer]

I beg to differ about guys like him being the reason why Japanese suck at English. I bet he is a hoot in class. If you pantomime sticking something up your ass in class, your students are going to pay attention.

[Taro Toporific]

T... "I was listening to it while I worked on my screenplay."....
It got worse. He then stuck them under his lips like a walrus and said...wait for it..."I vant to suck your blood." We didnt laugh so he though we didnt hear it and did it again. and then again a third time. .

Well if one of you were female, I'd say Hank was a making a lame attempt to hit on you. I used to do the "walrus" all the time in junior high and if Hank has been Korea and Japan too long he could have "regressed" a bit. As Prancer said, goofy gaijin teachers in Japan are loooooved. Just look at ass-clowns on NHK's English classes on TV. :P

[Charles]

Just look at ass-clowns on NHK's English classes on TV. :P

That's Ainglisch? I thought they were Ozzie classes. I saw the instructor standing astride a bicycle, she said "Oi loike ta roide ma boike!"

You'd be better off learning Scots.

http://www.scotsindependent.org/features/scots/Smeddum.rm

[Jamie]

A SCREAM

yi mist yirsell so yi did
we aw skiptwirr ferz njumptaffit thi lights
YIZIR AW PINE THEY FERZ THIMORRA
o it wizza scream
thaht big shite wiz dayniz nut

tellnyi jean
we wirraw shoutn backit im
rrose shoutit shi widny puhllit furra penshin
o yi shooda seeniz face
hi didny no wherrty look

thing iz tay
thirz nay skool thimorra
thi daft kunt wullny even getiz bluddy ferz

GOOD STYLE

helluva hard tay read theez init
stull
if yi canny unnirston thim jiss clear aff then
gawn
get tay fuck ootma road

ahmaz goodiz thi lota yiz so ah um
ah no whit ahm dayn
tellnyi
jiss try enny a yir fly patir wi me
stick thi bootnyi good style
so ah wull

[kurohinge1]

... That's Ainglisch? ...

You'd be better off learning Scots.

Here's a site which gives you an idea of the different styles of English which are now available on this planet.

I think there's even a tape from Essex which comes with a large butt plug, so you can sound like Charles.

[Charles]

That's not Scots, that's just exceptionally bad poetry written in English mangled by a Scots accent.

Robert Burns and John Milne spoke Scots. Tom Leonard obviously doesn't.

[Charles]

Here's a site which gives you an idea of the different styles of English which are now available on this planet.

Speaking as someone who has an actual degree in Linguistics, I can assure you that there are objective standards regarding English pronunciation and dialects.

Many linguists debate the relative merits of The King's English vs. American English. But nobody has ever found any merit in what passes for English in Australia. It is a devolution of lower-class English accents, but then, the country was populated by deported English criminals, so this is not particularly surprising.

Australia's sole virtue is that it is far enough away from the civilized world to prevent it from having any influence.

[GomiGirl]

noiiice maaate..

Hey Charles.. bite me!!

[Charles]

noiiice maaate..

Hey Charles.. bite me!! :evil:

Ozzie ozzie ozzie, oi oi

[amdg]

but then, the country was populated by deported English criminals,

You actually believe that or are you just trolling? Stick to linguistics or punk fashion because history isn't your strong suit.

[dingosatemybaby]

Here's a site which gives you an idea of the different styles of English which are now available on this planet.

Speaking as someone who has an actual degree in Linguistics, I can assure you that there are objective standards regarding English pronunciation and dialects.

Many linguists debate the relative merits of The King's English vs. American English. But nobody has ever found any merit in what passes for English in Australia. It is a devolution of lower-class English accents, but then, the country was populated by deported English criminals, so this is not particularly surprising.

Australia's sole virtue is that it is far enough away from the civilized world to prevent it from having any influence.

Whoa...just a second there, Professor. Austria is a perfectly nice country that boasts beautiful mountains and forests, the famous Danube River, as well as a colorful history, and moreover...

Oh. AusTRALia.

Never mind.

[kurohinge1]

... Speaking as someone who has an actual degree in Linguistics ...

It's amazing what you can get on the internet these days !

Actually, there's even a university in the UK offering a surfing degree

Let me guess, Charlie, that's probably another thing the Aussies* don't do right ...

"There are objective standards for surfing - waves should be no more than 2 foot high and only arrive on every second Sunday, the beaches should be covered in stones and the weather appalling for most of the year. Anyone expecting better conditions should be sent to Australia."



(*note the spelling - or wasn't spelling included in the degree )

[Charles]

but then, the country was populated by deported English criminals,

You actually believe that or are you just trolling? Stick to linguistics or punk fashion because history isn't your strong suit.

Botany Bay
By Australia's most famous poet, Anonymous.

Farewell to old England for ever,
Farewell to my rum culls as well,
Farewell to the well-known Old Bailey.
Where I used for to cut such a swell.

(Chorus)
Singing, too-ral, li-ooral, li-addity,
Singing, too-ral, li-ooral, li-ay,
Singing, too-ral, li-ooral, li-addity,
Singing, too-ral, li-ooral, li-ay.

There's the captain as is our commander,
There's the bo'sun and all the ship's crew,
There's the first- and the second-class passengers,
Knows what we poor convicts goes through.

'Tain't leaving old England we care about,
'Tain't cos we mispells wot we knows,
But because we all light-fingered gentry
Hops round with a log on our toes.

For fourteen long years I have ser-vi-ed,
And for fourteen long years and a day,
For meeting a bloke in the area,
And sneaking his ticker away.

Oh had I the wings of a turtle-dove,
I'd soar on my pinions so high,
Slap bang to the arms of my Polly love,
And in her sweet presence I'd die.

Now, all my young Dook-ies and Duch-ess-es,
Take warning from what I've to say-
Mind all is your own as you touch-es-es,
Or you'll meet us in Botany Bay.

[GomiGirl]

Oh yes and EVERYBODY in Aus is descended from convicts on the First Fleet.. just like everybody in the US is descended from somebody who came out on the Mayflower...

ignorant twat!!!

[kamome]

I've been known to give GG a good-natured ribbing about her Australian English, but never with malice. Charles, why the harsh words about Australia? I don't see why Australian English is any better or worse than the English spoken in other countries.

[kurohinge1]

Oh yes and EVERYBODY in Aus is descended from convicts on the First Fleet.. just like everybody in the US is descended from somebody who came out on the Mayflower...

ignorant twat!!!

GG, don't use big words he won't understand, like "descended".

Charlie, "descended" is what your testicles have not yet done.

Even if all Aussies had descended from the small minority of poms transported (for their minor crimes - as the serious criminals were executed) compared with the overwhelming majority of free settlers, it wouldn't make a difference as a general tendency towards crime is not genetic.

Stupity, however, is genetic, it has been suggested. For that reason, please, Charlie, promise us you won't breed.

[Big Booger]

Charles,
Narrow, very narrow. There is actually no accent either better or worse. They are simply variations or differences. I loathe people who sit and compare accent A to B or dialect A to B.

I'd hate to think of a world where we all spoke the same damn language, the same way, the say accentuates, that would truly be a bore.

And further as a linguist, you should respect and admire those differences and study them..

To belittle any language, is to belittle a culture and a people. If that is your aim you hath succeeded marvelously.

If not, then you should recognize what an obtuse twat you really are.

[prancer]

I love Austrailian accents. I can listen to Australians talk all day long.

never understood Aussie-bashing.

[mr. sparkle]

Variations of the English language keeps it lively. Bring on the Welsh!

[Ol Dirty Gaijin]

Australia's sole virtue is that it is far enough away from the civilized world to prevent it from having any influence.

And the English sent their criminals to Australia. The reason why they stayed was to keep away from classist twats as your good self.

[silverfall]

Man. It's amazing how a thread can take a life of it's own. I told the story of a freak of nature who completely turned me off of the state of California, and this has turned into a linguistics debate and Aussie defensiveness thread. Remember guys and girls, most people are just teasing. There are very few people who actually hate your country. I do feel that Australians are more defensive than most people though in general. Why is that? I work with several and they can give reasons why they are better all day but can't take criticism of their country very well. This is from my experience and I am sure it is not the same for everyone.

[cstaylor]

Man. It's amazing how a thread can take a life of it's own. I told the story of a freak of nature who completely turned me off of the state of California

Man, don't let that one guy turn you off to California, the land of John Muir, John Steinbeck, Jack London, of wine, chocolate, weather that never disappoints, and that beautiful ocean.

[Charles]

Variations of the English language keeps it lively. Bring on the Welsh!

Welsh isn't a variation of English, it is an entirely separate language.

[AssKissinger]

Aussies are the coolest gaijin and they have the funniest slang. Nothing ever seems to really offend them and they're almost always up for one more round. Plus AC/DC.

[Charles]

Remember guys and girls, most people are just teasing. There are very few people who actually hate your country. I do feel that Australians are more defensive than most people though in general. Why is that?

Yep, it's hilarious sport, just call em descendents of convicts and they fall to pieces. They all have a massive inferiority complex, which IMHO is well deserved.

Just for the record, I have nothing against Australia, it is a fine land (as far as wastelands go). The only problem with Australia is that it is populated by Australians. I never met many Ozzies until my most recent stay in Tokyo, the ones I met were almost as civilized as soccer hooligans. I started keeping an eye out for fucked gaijin, it was pretty easy to tell who was who.

The guy yakking on his cel phone sitting in the handicapped seats in the subway: Australian.
The 6 year old girl running screaming through the izakaya, punching other patrons and deliberately pushing their plates of food into their laps: Australian.
The guy in the club, fucked up on X, haranguing people about how he was going to climb Fujisan in the morning, even though it wasn't open for climbing yet: Australian.
The guy who got kicked out of the hotel for smashing the keyboard of their computer: Australian.
The guy with the bar of soap in the ofuro: Australian.

[AssKissinger]

You are totally non-punk and Johnny hates you..

The guy yakking on his cel phone sitting in the handicapped seats in the subway: Australian

Maybe so if nobody needs the space but Aussies always give up their seats if someone really needs it. Are you just trolling or what? Everyone knows they got hearts of gold down there.

[amdg]

Speaking as someone who has an actual degree in Linguistics,

Then with all that useless paper I guess you have no problem wiping yourself after a trip to the loo.

Edit: apologies to true linguists out there who are busy expanding the boundaries of knowledge and don't need to wave their degrees around in order to prove their capability. (N.B. Charles I don't know what a 'linguistics degree' is, but if you mean a 'Bachelor of Arts, Linguistics major' then I have one too. With honors. It was my third undergraduate degree.)

[Charles]

Let me rephrase that:

The non-handicapped guy, aged about 30, sitting in the handicapped seats in the subway during rush hour, sitting right underneath the sign IN ENGLISH saying that these seats were intended for heart patients with pacemakers, so they have a place to avoid interference from cel phones so no cel phones allowed near these seats, the guy sitting squeezed in between some unhealthy looking nihonjin, yakking away while another old man standing up leaning on a cane kept eyeing him, the guy who jumped up and vigorously strode away only when his stop arrived, proving he wasn't handicapped: Australian.

[Steve Bildermann]

Plus AC/DC.