Frank from ridiculopathy.com (satire) wrote:
SAN FRANSISCO, CA- For nearly two weeks, soft-hearted Americans have been nervously tracking the progress of a pair of lost humpback whales as they struggled to find their way back to the sea. Injured and suffering from untold illnesses in the dark, unfamiliar waters, the plankton-swilling media darlings seemed utterly doomed just a few days ago. On Wednesday, however, came wonderful news. The mother and her offspring had made a great deal of progress overnight, and it suddenly appeared that the whales would reach the safety of the sea after all.
The resulting frenzy caused the Northern half of the state shut down. All along the route, joyous Californians lined the riverside burning incense and chanting whalesongs. Cameras snapped and children cheered as the whales slipped under the Golden Gate Bridge, out into the Pacific Ocean and, after a few more hours of vigorous swimming, into international waters where a waiting Japanese whaling boat harpooned them both.
"I'm not sure if that would qualify as ironic or just really coincidental and unfortunate," said one observer. "The term is so overused, and I'd hate for someone to think I was overusing it, too. So, I'd rather play it safe just call it shitty luck."
In the coming days the pair of whales, which Bay Area school children had named Pico and Dolly, will be stripped of their skin and blubber and melted down into a variety of products such as heating oil, lipstick, and collectable anime figurines. The most notable of these is Ahabu, the adorable Pokemon whose special power is skewering large seagoing mammals.
Psychologists warn that it could take years of intensive therapy before members of the public, both young and old, manage to get past the loss of their whale friends. So far, however, Americans seem to be coming to terms with this tragic turn of events in the best way they know how: by blaming the victims.
"That was one lost-ass whale," said bystander Ishmael Rogers. "That mama went all the way to Sacramento before realizing she'd missed the damn turn-off. And they give us men crap for not asking directions."
Look at the situation logically. These two met their end through their own hard-headed ignorance and poor cartography skills. They entered the bay uninvited, befouled several miles of the river with giant whale dookie and disrupted pleasure boat traffic for more than ten days. With all that in mind, it's quite hard to feel sorry for them.
"I'm as sad about this as anyone else, but how stupid are these things?" said retired whaler Robert Marley. "I mean, come on. A whale that can't find the ocean? The earth is seventy-fiver percent ocean. How the hell can you not find it? Anything that big and that stupid is a danger to itself and anything around it. I'm not saying they deserved to die, but I must admit that I'm glad they did."
Still, throngs of children all over the world continue to weep bitterly over the passing of these whales, and that, in turn has led many millions of parents to plead with their governments to do something, anything, that will cause their kids to shut up about it . . . more
Nice piece, Frank.
You never know, if they hurry south, they may be just in time to really get harpooned. ]
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