Jamestownpress.com, April 7, 2006
.....we [USA] are losers, we are lame, and we wallow at the bottom of the bowl when this necessary little, shall we say "commodity" (all puns intended) is the topic of discussion.
Apparently, if we want to do our business in high style, we have to do business with the Japanese, the true masters of magical modernity. A company called Toto (not of Oz fame) employs the wizards who design, manufacture, and market the coolest, hippest, most far-out, world-class commodes in the marketplace.
These toilets clean themselves, come with coatings that resist germs and automatically flush when the user is finished. Each toilet has an actual remote control keypad that includes a noisemaker button that makes a flushing sound to cover any rude sounds you might want to disguise while seated.
However, there is a drawback. If you don't read Japanese, you could be in a heap of trouble.
The remote control programs a variety of features that are as complex as the console in a lunar landing module. Press the wrong button and the world as you know it could change for the worst.....
.... when you are finished, they are capable of spraying your derriere with perfume if you so desire. I suppose you might want to use that feature if you hold a position in high management, but other than that, I think perfuming your bottom is a bit over the top.
So, if you visit Japan and are confronted with using one of these top-of-the-line bathroom gizmos, be prepared. There is a very good chance that the experience will far out-reach your expectations, especially if you blindly press buttons and start functions that you don't know how to stop. You could have water spraying, seats going up and down as they heat up, blow dryers blowing, noisemakers continually going off and find yourself stranded on a mechanical monster you can't control.
Believe me, after cornering the market in the toilet zone, the Japanese are feeling flush. It's part of a system that we backward Americans have yet to understand.
