Is it my girlfriend, or are all Japanese chicks waaaay jealous types...

[Hanakuso]

One of the major difficulties im having with my relationship is trying to figure out what is my girlfriend and what is Japanese cultural programming.

So im not aloud to communicate with anyone who dosnt have a penis unless I want to get into massive arguments... That limits me to less than half the population.. kinda sucky....

Is this Japan or is this my girlfriend?


p.s. ive never been unfaithful... so theres no bad history on my behalf to warrant this behaviour...

[Greji]

Is this Japan or is this my girlfriend?

This has a faint smell of the girlfriend to it, not that J-girls don't get jealous. They usually will not show it. Also, the more security they feel with an arrangement, the less they tend to be jealous even up to the point if you run around and then come home and they suspect foul play, they can overlook it as long as it doesn't appear threatening to the home.

But without not knowing how long you've been tracking this girl, it doesn't sound too promising that you can't be seen with another girl. Does this include coworkers, neighbors and friends? If it does, you might need some reeval here!

p.s. Ive never been faithful...

[Iraira]

It depends on the girl of course (and this goes for any nationality), but you may have to do some deprogramming. When I started dating the girl who is now the wifey, I got all kinds of great "gaijin propaganda" questions.
"How many times a week do you get drunk in Roppongi?"
"How many Japanese girls do you try to nanpa every week?"
"Why do all gaijin cheat on their girlfriends/wives?"
"I saw a show on TV that said that all gaijin guys......."

Hey at least she was bold enough to ask. Over time, the jealousy passed (only took 2.5 years), and now she's ok with me hanging out with J-chicks, although she'd prefer that I hang out with gaijin chicks (no disrespect intended with the "chicks" monniker, beyotches.) My mypoic and delusional gf (now myopic and delusional wife) was under the assumption that because she likes me (now tolerates me), ALL Japanese girls must like me. Lordy, lordy.....how I wish.
Played the race card (culture card) on this one, "Honey....while I understand that it is not typical for Japanese guys to inform their Japanese gf that the guy has female friends, I'm not playing that game with you. I'm used to having female FRIENDS (up intonate the word "friends"), back in the old country."
Eventually, she realized that if I was allowed to hang out with girls, she could hang out with guys. Fair is fair. Your gf just needs reassurance that you aren't the Casanova gaijin, laying waste to dozens of Roppongi girls every weekend. Start off with a few really fugly girls, that'll probably relax your gf. Arrange for them to actually meet, that tends to calm things down. If your new "just a friend female" doesn't want to meet your gf, you probably have a problem (if her name is Sayaka....run! Big fight! But, it was the first fight we had completely in Japanese, so it holds a special place in my heart).

Enough digression due to enough caffiene. Good luck and buy her some ice cream beforehand.

[GaijedupJake]

ooooh yeah bro, i know what you're talking about. just like this last guy that posted, i have been with my j-chick for just about 2 years now, and she is still seriously jealous, and thinks that every j-girl is craving my semi-flabby body. what works??? the answer is share some of your guy friends with her, so that she sees that it is alright and healthy to have guy and girl friends in her life. After that, she will gradually be more accepting of letting you have some female friends. My girlfriend was crazy, absolutely crazy jealous for a long time, and it is just recently becoming better. good point about the fugly girls i might add!

[FG Lurker]

So im not aloud to communicate with anyone who dosnt have a penis unless I want to get into massive arguments...

My advice: RUN!

If she unable to trust you then there is no basis on which to build a good relationship.

If you have a lot of time invested in the relationship already then you might want to talk it out with her and see what is possible, but if she seems unlikely to change then leave. People who want to control others do not make good partners.

[kamome]

Man, unless you have zero game, there is no reason to put up with this. Go out and get a different chick. She doesn't have the right to control who you talk to.

[Iraira]

One thing you may have to deal with is that your jealous gf may feel that one of your female friends "seems to like you too much". As a rule, avoid the trap that we have all fallen into, "Honey, she doesn't like me, I don't kinow why you feel that way. What you feel is wrong!" That only serves to kill gf's confidence in herself and creates a vicious circle.

Best thing you can do is actually apologise that you have done something to make your gf feel this way, even though the way she feels isn't true, at least from you end as you have never cheated, her feelings were clearly borne out of something YOU did/said/etc. Guaranteed, the fight will end 75% faster, if you just apologise. "Honey, you're right it's my fault!"

Just to decend fully in complete a-hole pigdom for a moment, hopefully gf gets bent about one of the fuglies "liking you too much", in which case, it is easier to cut your not-so-easy-on-the-eyes losses.

Oink oink

[Hanakuso]

woah mixed postage...

I think fuglies might be an idea... The let her see guys thing would be an idea but im already actually encouraging her to socialise (if only to improve her english). Its the whole double standard shit that irks me...

Its cool to hear that some of you have experienced the same thing... At this stage im torn between RUN and Reason... reasoning energy runs lower and lower every time I have to have an argument about the exact same topic.

Its been almost 4 years...

Does this include coworkers, neighbors and friends?

According to girlfriend logic, co-workers are ok because she knows them therefore they dont pose any threat. Its nice to be able to talk to the person next to me at work, but if i meet anyone outside of work im supposed to inform them that they lack the appropriate appendage for me to beable to communicate with them.. So basically I cant make any friends of my own.

Thanks guys. Having to type this out has actually made me realise how fucking pathetic this all is.

[FG Lurker]

[...] creates a vicious circle.

Best thing you can do is actually apologise that you have done something to make your gf feel this way, even though the way she feels isn't true, at least from you end as you have never cheated, her feelings were clearly borne out of something YOU did/said/etc. Guaranteed, the fight will end 75% faster, if you just apologise. "Honey, you're right it's my fault!"

Holy fuck man! Are you insane? Talk about creating a vicious circle! You want everything, always, to be your fault? That's what you're heading towards.

Women who are jealous and controlling, or who don't trust you, should be left at the curb as soon as possible. (Men too for that matter.)

[Iraira]

Holy fuck man! Are you insane? Talk about creating a vicious circle! You want everything, always, to be your fault? That's what you're heading towards.

Actually, I just intended the above for use in cases of emergency when it comes to dealing with Hanakuso's (all of mankind's) problem. There's no way in hell that anyone should apologise for everything. But there are ways to manage a fight within 20 minutes as opposed to having it continue for 5 hours.

But since you brought it up, the sick thing is that I do apologise for everything, and the wife knows that I don't mean it. Last real fight was last summer...began in Kabukicho, continued on the Marunouchi Line, and ended at the neighborhood conbini.

[FG Lurker]

Actually, I just intended the above for use in cases of emergency when it comes to dealing with Hanakuso's (all of mankind's) problem. There's no way in hell that anyone should apologise for everything. But there are ways to manage a fight within 20 minutes as opposed to having it continue for 5 hours.

But since you brought it up, the sick thing is that I do apologise for everything, and the wife knows that I don't mean it. Last real fight was last summer...began in Kabukicho, continued on the Marunouchi Line, and ended at the neighborhood conbini.

If something is my fault, I apologize. If it's not, I don't. The fight can last for 5 weeks for all I care... My wife knows this too, so she knows not to fight when it's her fault.

[Iraira]

Ok, y'know what...lemme actually refine what I just spewed. It's Monday morning, so the neurons were not commicating properly.

There will be times, when your wife or gf will not be comfortable with a particular female friend of yours. She will have "sensed something" coming from you or the other chick that indicates something is amiss. The choice here is 1) do you argue with the gf/wife for hours on end and blame her for sensing this thing that does not exist, or 2) do you acknowledge that maybe you did something wrong to give your wife/gf the incorrect impression that something is rotten?
The question is of time management and long-term strategic planning. How long do you want this fight to continue? How can you set the table for the future? That's why using a sacrificial fugly at the onset of the deprogramming works best. Losing a fugly doesn't hurt the ego as much as losing a hottie, especialy if your gf winds up dumping you a few months later. But that is another trauma for another time.

[FG Lurker]

Ok, y'know what...lemme actually refine what I just spewed. It's Monday morning, so the neurons were not commicating properly.

I understood what you wanted to say, I just don't agree with it.

There will be times, when your wife or gf will not be comfortable with a particular female friend of yours. She will have "sensed something" coming from you or the other chick that indicates something is amiss. The choice here is 1) do you argue with the gf/wife for hours on end and blame her for sensing this thing that does not exist, or 2) do you acknowledge that maybe you did something wrong to give your wife/gf the incorrect impression that something is rotten?

I had this happen ONCE with my wife. It was very early in our dating, nearly 10 years ago now. I simply told her that I have female friends and that if she wants to stay with me then she is going to have to deal with that. Told her that if she could not deal with that then she should leave now, cause it wouldn't change. She stewed on it for awhile and has been fine about it since.

(It works both ways -- I'm fine with her having male friends.)

[American Oyaji]

I had this happen ONCE with my wife. It was very early in our dating, nearly 10 years ago now. I simply told her that I have female friends and that if she wants to stay with me then she is going to have to deal with that. Told her that if she could not deal with that then she should leave now, cause it wouldn't change. She stewed on it for awhile and has been fine about it since.

THAT is how you deal with it.
Like a man and throw down the gauntlet.

Just be ready to jack off or call a second stringer if she decides to split.

[Greji]

call a second stringer if she decides to split.

hehe!

As I said before, she must have some issues. If it has been this long and she still doesn't have enough trust to let you out of her sight, I would call her on it. Tell her it ain't right and depending how she reacts, go from there. As other people have posted, you don't let her put in irons over your life outside of her presence any more than you should try to control her private life!


p.s. I am not unfaithful as a rule, only as a habit.

[GaijedupJake]

just because she is the jealous type, there is no reason to dump her. She isn't trying to be a pain in the ass, she just can't help it. If you tell her to just shut up about it and she hides her feelings, well then it will come out in other unpredictable ways. Like i said, my girlfriend was the extreme jealous type, but we are working through it and she is getting better and better. Jealousy comes from insecurity, which means if you want to help her overcome her jealousy, you probably need to help her with her self-esteem. so, do things and say things that makes her feel like a million bucks, let her know it is normal to have girl and guy friends, and then tell her the way you feel etc etc. The kicker for me was letting her hangout with some guy friends of mine. She realized it was ok, and then i was off the hook. try it out!

[FG Lurker]

just because she is the jealous type, there is no reason to dump her.

You're kidding, right!? Please tell me you're kidding... Sadly I know you are not.

Jealousy comes from insecurity, which means if you want to help her overcome her jealousy, you probably need to help her with her self-esteem.

Is she older than 18? She should have that shit worked out by then, or at least be well on the way to doing so. If she is past her mid-20s then there is not a lot of hope.

When there are so many women around who already have their shit together, why invest masses of time trying to "fix" one that doesn't? Not only will you likely not "fix" her, but you'll end up making her clingy and dependant. Not my idea of a good gf/wife.

[Iraira]

How about telling her that your new female friend is a hostess that works in Kabukicho? If she's cool with that, you have a keeper.

[Hanakuso]

Jealousy comes from insecurity, which means if you want to help her overcome her jealousy, you probably need to help her with her self-esteem.

Spot on.. but I dont know how to help her with that... Im doing the best I can.

Yeh I threw down the gauntlet last night.. This is an issue i wont budge an inch on... Unless she could construct a flawless argument which proves im doing something wrong here rather than emotional drivel.

Since the last whammy I felt there was so much improvement in her, but shes incredibly good at masking her underlying feelings. All the time she revives these arguments which I thought were long dead and I realise we have made no ground at all...

She wrote me a letter today.. It was beautiful. It made me think, hey this girl does have a brain in her skull, this is why I fell in love with her. Then i remember the episode of the simpsons where bart keeps getting shocked by the lisas muffin thing....

Im in no huge rush... Ill give her more time... she says she is trying to change her ways... Just I kinda feel she shouldnt have to change herself to suit me, it should be for her..

Thanks again for your thoughts ppls.... I guess i have realised one thing today, and that is I dont care if its cultural programming or issues... Ive only got one life and im not voiding the earth of more than half its population for anyone... on that note tho, im pretty sure its issues. Stuffed if I know what to do about that tho... You can take a horse to water... thats the best i can do..

Sorry for long post.

[FG Lurker]

Since the last whammy I felt there was so much improvement in her, but shes incredibly good at masking her underlying feelings. [...]

[...] All the time she revives these arguments which I thought were long dead and I realise we have made no ground at all... [...]

[...] Then i remember the episode of the simpsons where bart keeps getting shocked by the lisas muffin thing.... [...]

[...] I guess i have realised one thing today, and that is I dont care if its cultural programming or issues... [...]

[...] Ive only got one life and im not voiding the earth of more than half its population for anyone... [...]

You've already realized what you need to do, now you just have to do it.

Good luck with it! There are lots of great women who DO have their shit together.

[FG Lurker]

Just be ready to jack off or call a second stringer if she decides to split.

Jacking off or calling a second stringer are both FAR better options than dealing with a jealous woman who wants to control your life.

[Iraira]

All the time she revives these arguments which I thought were long dead and I realise we have made no ground at all...

Oh, so you're the one dating my ex-gf.

Chick would bring up past arguments when she was losing the current one. Had me jumping like some weiner dog through hoops. Finally, I told her "one argument at a time.", to which she replied, "You cannot be a Japanese businessman, as you can't multi-task."

Relationship was over soon after that.

[Greji]

Chick would bring up past arguments

Q: The difference between a J-girl friend (or wife) and an elephant?

A: An elephant will occasionally forget!

[cstaylor]

Jacking off or calling a second stringer are both FAR better options than dealing with a jealous woman who wants to control your life.

Not to hijack a thread, but my wife calls women like that "hima na makeinu". There's something to be said for that old saying "idle hands make the devil's work", since busy people rarely have the time to brood on their own decisions, let alone those of another person.

[GomiGirl]

Chick would bring up past arguments when she was losing the current one. Had me jumping like some weiner dog through hoops. Finally, I told her "one argument at a time.", to which she replied, "You cannot be a Japanese businessman, as you can't multi-task."

Relationship was over soon after that.

And so it should - that is just not the best way to argue. Everybody has to argue from time to time but there is good ways and bad ways to do it.

1) stay on topic
2) stay away from past grievences (see 3)
3) once resolved then never bring up again - both parties need to stick to the resolutions - ie neither go back to previous behaviour
4) don't try to "score points" to gain the moral highground
5) don't be an arse - if you are in the wrong then admit is and more forward.

Bringing up old stuff is not fair. Everybody makes mistakes so as long as they not repeated over and over, you need to truly forgive the person. You may never forget but if you cannot forgive then you need to end it and move on or risk becoming bitter. Getting somebody to apologise time and time again is juvenile.

[gomichild]

There does seem to be some silly idea here that boys and girls can't be just friends.

Also this is reflective on her - does she feel that she is unable to be friends with a guy without bonking him and is projecting this onto you?

Best plan would be to introduce her to your non-worker female friends at some kind of group gathering. If she is feeling threatened by the "unknown quantity" then this may help.

Also she may feel this way because she can't imagine that no other woman can resist your charms. So has irritating as it is - it is also a warped kind of compliment.

[kurohinge1]

. . .

1) stay on topic
2) stay away from past grievences (see 3)
3) once resolved then never bring up again - both parties need to stick to the resolutions - ie neither go back to previous behaviour
4) don't try to "score points" to gain the moral highground
5) don't be an arse - if you are in the wrong then admit is and more forward.

. . .

OK, which of you guys is posting under GG's moniker?

There's no way that was posted by a female of the species.

[/stirring the pot] ]http://www.wdisneyw.com/forums/images/smilies2004/runaway.gif[/IMG]

[Greji]

OK, which of you guys is posting under GG's moniker? There's no way that was posted by a female of the species.

Which species? We're talking GG here

[GomiGirl]

Which species? We're talking GG here

*pokes GBoothe in the ribs*

The species is smart, sexy women!!

[American Oyaji]

Also this is reflective on her - does she feel that she is unable to be friends with a guy without bonking him and is projecting this onto you?

THIS is an interesting idea. So a girl with a whorish heart will think her man is a whoremonger?

Best plan would be to introduce her to your non-worker female friends at some kind of group gathering. If she is feeling threatened by the "unknown quantity" then this may help.

I would only do this if I was getting ready to marry the lady.

Also she may feel this way because she can't imagine that no other woman can resist your charms. So has irritating as it is - it is also a warped kind of compliment.

I would pass on such a compliment