life in shreds

[kurohinge1]

Kots, I agree with a lot of what's been written & I know there's been alot of water under the bridge with you two, but from what I've read so far, I'd be tempted to forgive her (for she can't help being herself) and then forget her. A stitch in time ...

Does she really deserve a loyal and loving companion like you? If so, good luck, in the sincerest way. If not, however, there are plenty of nice girls on this planet with kind souls who do deserve a nice guy as a mate. You may be better devoting yourself to someone who appreciates it.

But you're in the driver's seat and only you know all the facts, and your own heart, so you're perfectly welcome to condemn those other sweet girls to a lonely spinsterhood or a marriage to another guy who's not half as good as you ...

Good luck either way.

[Neo-Rio]

I'm living with a Japanese girl, and things are quite good between us. But honestly, if she wanted to go boink some other guy... I just wouldn't care less.. and yet I still care about her. And for some crazy reason that's made the relationship particularly strong so that she wants to pin me down and make love all the time. I guess the opposite should be true given how I am, but it isn't.

I think the only way I'm able to do this is because I used to be a pretty decent player and I could get decent chicks on a constant basis - so if my GF left me for whatever reason, I would just get out there and hunt down a replacement in no time. That must take some bargaining power away from her. She can't threaten to leave me and get an angry rise out of me, cause I'd just ditch her and find someone else. And she knows it.

I'm not jealous about sex, because if I was, I'd be a hypocrite really. So she can't accuse me of cheating cause she knows what I am like anyway. I tell her that if for whatever reason she doesn't like me, she can leave, and I will find someone else. I have no problem with that, because I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me, faults and all.

And I kinda understand that love is often something we do to ourselves rather than something that people do to us. Knowing that, I have some control over my feelings for people.

I see woman's romance as mere fantasy. Like children, I have known certain women to play with fantasy and often times forget that their romantic fantasies often have real-world implications. (or maybe us men are all dopey and don't understand that women only want to play "pretend happy couple", almost just like we played "Doctors and nurses" together in kindergarten)

Cheating and net-chatting for women is like a distraction in their lives. Just like me sitting at work thinking about getting laid when I'm supposed to be working. It's all mere fantasy which I just want to act out. I don't think you can't stop people having dreams and fantasies like that, but if you find out exactly what those fantasies are and make them come true for a woman, they will usually love you for it.
With my GF, the relationship is her fantasy. Not mine. So with my understanding of these things, I just give her what she wants.

but damn.... I hope everything works out. Everyone else posted some pretty decent advice.

[Gaisaradatsuraku!]

Dude, you are gay. Like a lot of guys who have no real ties to Japan but wind up enthralled by it, you are gay. Usually, you wind up marrying some poor girl who is blown away by your "kindness."

Just like that female marathoner who married that wack job from the States, you are another case in point.

[tidbits]

Cheating and net-chatting for women is like a distraction in their lives...

what are you talking about? Maybe just your GF.

I don't think you can't stop people having dreams and fantasies like that, but if you find out exactly what those fantasies are and make them come true for a woman, they will usually love you for it.
With my GF, the relationship is her fantasy. Not mine. So with my understanding of these things, I just give her what she wants

.

Sounds more like both of you live in fantasy.

[Naniwan Kid]

Neo-Rio

I really enjoyed your post. It gave a different perspective (dare I say "youthful") that I think is easy to dismiss for some, but I think has some value.

I'm living with a Japanese girl, and things are quite good between us. But honestly, if she wanted to go boink some other guy... I just wouldn't care less.. and yet I still care about her. And for some crazy reason that's made the relationship particularly strong so that she wants to pin me down and make love all the time. I guess the opposite should be true given how I am, but it isn't.

Maybe this is OK, but you must know you are in a VERY small minority. It sounds like from your description that you took a gamble, and it's worked so far. From what you have said, you haven't cheated on her, and she hasn't cheated on you, so you are mostly speaking hypothetically. I think until you have actually had a trust betrayed it may be hard for you to comment. Like Kotastuneko said, it wasn't the idea of her having sex with another man that hurt so much, but the emotional betrayal.

She can't threaten to leave me and get an angry rise out of me, cause I'd just ditch her and find someone else. And she knows it.

I'm sorry, but that describes a relationship different than a marriage, for the most part. I must admit, it sounds like there are some control and power issues going on here, and you have the upper hand. That isn't necessarily bad or good, but not a good start for a marriage (which is what we are talking about).

I tell her that if for whatever reason she doesn't like me, she can leave, and I will find someone else. I have no problem with that, because I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me, faults and all.

Actually this is the most msture thing you have said. I think too many men AND women get into relationships and marriages hoping, thinking, planning on the other person to change. To have that kind of communication is a good idea. My wife understood that (to a degree) when we got married. The birth of our child changed my lifestyle more than my wife did. And that was a good thing.

I see woman's romance as mere fantasy. Like children, I have known certain women to play with fantasy and often times forget that their romantic fantasies often have real-world implications. (or maybe us men are all dopey and don't understand that women only want to play "pretend happy couple", almost just like we played "Doctors and nurses" together in kindergarten)

This is probably the most immature thing you have said. Being a player can desensitize you to the ideas of romance, but I hope you find it, even for a bit, before you settle down (if you do someday. If you don't, that's OK, too). I think women fantacize about romance, but that doesn't make romance fantasy.

With my GF, the relationship is her fantasy. Not mine. So with my understanding of these things, I just give her what she wants.

Pardon me for asking, but then why are you with her?

[Neo-Rio]

Maybe this is OK, but you must know you are in a VERY small minority. It sounds like from your description that you took a gamble, and it's worked so far. From what you have said, you haven't cheated on her, and she hasn't cheated on you, so you are mostly speaking hypothetically. I think until you have actually had a trust betrayed it may be hard for you to comment. Like Kotastuneko said, it wasn't the idea of her having sex with another man that hurt so much, but the emotional betrayal.

That's just it. The cat is already out of the bag. It has been discussed already. We know it happens. We know that people can love more than one person at a time. This does not mean that I pick favorites or humilate one at the expense of the other. Probably moreso than most people we have already faced the REALITY of the situation rather than pretending that it doesn't exist!
I get the feeling that you think I'm playing some kind of game here.... what I'm interested in is why a married man would even suggest that...

I'm sorry, but that describes a relationship different than a marriage, for the most part. I must admit, it sounds like there are some control and power issues going on here, and you have the upper hand. That isn't necessarily bad or good, but not a good start for a marriage (which is what we are talking about).

You seem to be saying that there are no power issues in marriages....
Are you sure you mean that?

It a control and power issue alright.... that's if you selectively ignore the fact that such a response I suggest would be a fair and meted response given such a perceived injustice. If you're telling me that you'd just take it where it hurts and say nothing given such a situation, then you would be agreeing with your own punishment, and by that token you would deserve what you got. But I know you wouldn't just put up with something like that... right?

Actually this is the most msture thing you have said. I think too many men AND women get into relationships and marriages hoping, thinking, planning on the other person to change. To have that kind of communication is a good idea. My wife understood that (to a degree) when we got married. The birth of our child changed my lifestyle more than my wife did. And that was a good thing.

Thankyou. Personally I wouldn't have it any other way.

This is probably the most immature thing you have said. Being a player can desensitize you to the ideas of romance, but I hope you find it, even for a bit, before you settle down (if you do someday. If you don't, that's OK, too). I think women fantacize about romance, but that doesn't make romance fantasy.

I disagree. If "romance" didn't so happen to be an abstract noun, then maybe I'd be able to trip over a romance on the street, put one in my pocket and take it home. Then I would have "found romance", right?
wrong?

Love is something people do to THEMSELVES. For example, men have been known to fall in love with images on women on posters, (not to mention other fetishes) last time I checked. There doesn't even need to be another person around for that to happen!

Since romance and love are simply ideas and feelings, romance is something that has to be worked on, creatively, out of people's imaginations.... and I believe that in itself is what is meant when people "work on their marriages".

Pardon me for asking, but then why are you with her?

You seem to suggest that being with a woman carries ulterior motives. What interests me about you is, if you are indeed thinking like that, why?
Can't being romantic/sexy/kind to people have it's own rewards?

[Shibuya Me]

I'm learning a lot.

I am not joking...

This is good stuff!

[Naniwan Kid]

We know that people can love more than one person at a time.

Love is something people do to THEMSELVES. For example, men have been known to fall in love with images on women on posters

These seem like conflicting sentences to me, and it seems to be the first time you use the word love. You haven't actually said you love your girlfriend, so maybe I need a little clearing up.

I get the feeling that you think I'm playing some kind of game here.... what I'm interested in is why a married man would even suggest that...

With my GF, the relationship is her fantasy. Not mine. So with my understanding of these things, I just give her what she wants.

By fulfilling her fantasy, and having it not be hers, isn't that kind of like a game? You also allude to the power plays. Is that not also like a game? What does a player do if not play the game? You haven't shown any emotional attachment to your GF here....does this offend you? Why does me being married have anything to my "suggestion".

You seem to be saying that there are no power issues in marriages....
Are you sure you mean that?

No, I don't mean that. Every relationship has power issues, but there is also a give and take.

My reading of your relationship was this (and pardon my brevity)

"My GF knows I will drop her faster than she can say 'gomenasai' if she fucks with me, so she doens't fuck with me. This relationship is HER fantasy."

That doesn't sound like a BALANCED relationship to me. It's great for you, as you have all the power. Tell me if I am wrong (I hope I am).

If you're telling me that you'd just take it where it hurts and say nothing given such a situation, then you would be agreeing with your own punishment, and by that token you would deserve what you got. But I know you wouldn't just put up with something like that... right?

Right.

For example, men have been known to fall in love with images on women on posters, (not to mention other fetishes) last time I checked. There doesn't even need to be another person around for that to happen!

Actually I have never heard of someone falling in love with a poster. I can understand your comparison with fetishes and love, but the fact that they consume much of your waking hours is about where the similarity ends. I daresay you have never been in love, or was burned hard a few years back.....just my guess.

[Naniwan Kid]

By fulfilling her fantasy, and having it not be hers

I meant to say YOURS not HERS....

and sorry to Kotatsuneko, I guess we got off the original topic....

[Neo-Rio]

These seem like conflicting sentences to me, and it seems to be the first time you use the word love. You haven't actually said you love your girlfriend, so maybe I need a little clearing up.

I think the idea of love is something pretty much abused by the popular media. If we were talking about REAL "love" then I would describe it with the word "love" at all, but rather sacrifice.
The feeling I have when I do something for someone else that I don't really want to do, is much different to the elated feeling I get when someone does that for me.

By fulfilling her fantasy, and having it not be hers, isn't that kind of like a game? You also allude to the power plays. Is that not also like a game? What does a player do if not play the game? You haven't shown any emotional attachment to your GF here....does this offend you? Why does me being married have anything to my "suggestion".

No you were the one that alluded to power plays. It seems to me though that you may be a kind of person who gives in order to get something back out of it, rather than to do something and find satisfaction in the results of the done deed without expecting extra reward.
If that's how I thought (which I do not), then you would be right about the "game" mentality.

No, I don't mean that. Every relationship has power issues, but there is also a give and take.

My reading of your relationship was this (and pardon my brevity)

"My GF knows I will drop her faster than she can say 'gomenasai' if she fucks with me, so she doens't fuck with me. This relationship is HER fantasy."

That doesn't sound like a BALANCED relationship to me. It's great for you, as you have all the power. Tell me if I am wrong (I hope I am).

No, that doesn't sound like a balanced relationship at all, because you made up the sentence, covered it with the "fuck" word, and made it sound like the most horrible thing for any woman to be involved in.
I mean, if you go out every day thinking like that, you'd sure find out sooner or later that you'd view every relationship in this way... that can't be any good for you or for anyone.
Sure, I didn't dress up my relationship and make it sound roses, and that's because under the surface, the day-to-day realities of a relationship are anything BUT. It's up to me in my relationships to lift it out of that, not drag anyone into a nasty mess.

Plus you seem obsessed with the idea that somehow I'm making a "power play", when all I'm doing is drawing a fair and balanced line between what is acceptable and what isn't. Women want to know who you are and what you will and won't accept, otherwise they can't possibly know you or trust you.

Actually I have never heard of someone falling in love with a poster. I can understand your comparison with fetishes and love, but the fact that they consume much of your waking hours is about where the similarity ends. I daresay you have never been in love, or was burned hard a few years back.....just my guess.

You could say that about everybody dude. Don't make it sound special to me when it isn't. Losing someone you care about and dealing with it is all part of growing up.

So which is it for me then? Me never having been in love or having been in it very powerfully? The area you're guessing through is bound to hit a mark somewhere along there.....

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[Naniwan Kid]

It seems to me though that you may be a kind of person who gives in order to get something back out of it, rather than to do something and find satisfaction in the results of the done deed without expecting extra reward.

I don't know that I told you enough about myself for you to make that conclusion. I think we both have been a bit unsuccessful in our attempts at amatuer psychoanalysis.

No, that doesn't sound like a balanced relationship at all, because you made up the sentence, covered it with the "fuck" word, and made it sound like the most horrible thing for any woman to be involved in.
I mean, if you go out every day thinking like that, you'd sure find out sooner or later that you'd view every relationship in this way... that can't be any good for you or for anyone.

I am glad I was wrong, and please don't be offended by my use of the f-word.

Plus you seem obsessed with the idea that somehow I'm making a "power play", when all I'm doing is drawing a fair and balanced line between what is acceptable and what isn't. Women want to know who you are and what you will and won't accept, otherwise they can't possibly know you or trust you.

I think the original you reason to wrote was to say "You got to be clear about what is acceptable to you." Which I agree with. You also stated "I wouldn't care if my girlfriend cheated on me." I can't agree or disagree, that's your own business. When you told your girlfriend you didn't care if she cheated on you it made her even MORE in love with you. I just want to make sure I got my basics straight.

You could say that about everybody dude. Don't make it sound special to me when it isn't. Losing someone you care about and dealing with it is all part of growing up.

So which is it for me then? Me never having been in love or having been in it very powerfully? The area you're guessing through is bound to hit a mark somewhere along there.....

Wow, don't get offended. You have a rather untrusting attitude toward the idea of love. It sounds a lot like someone who has never been in love, and maybe is frustrated, or someone who has been hurt bad, and doesn't want to be hurt again. You seem rather senstitive here, and it isn't my place to guess (which is what I said, just a guess) but it does sound like I hit the mark pretty close.

[Neo-Rio]

No, that doesn't sound like a balanced relationship at all, because you made up the sentence, covered it with the "fuck" word, and made it sound like the most horrible thing for any woman to be involved in.
I mean, if you go out every day thinking like that, you'd sure find out sooner or later that you'd view every relationship in this way... that can't be any good for you or for anyone.
I am glad I was wrong, and please don't be offended by my use of the f-word.

Nah, I say fuck all the time... just not in a context which is *supposed* to be a romantic context.

If you haven't figured it out yet, what I am trying to point out is that "making passionate love for hours on end" and "a day of hot, wild crazy sex fucking" is PHYSICALLY the same act. It all depends on how you want to dress the whole thing up as - and it matters like crazy to women.

Same with kotatsuneko's wife. The guy she hooked up with just went and dressed the whole thing up as some lovely romantic escape, whereas what she really did was to destroy kotatsuneko's feelings and marriage to bits.
This other guy was just doing what a typical seducer would do... dress the whole thing up as something completely different IN THE WOMAN'S MIND. I bet he even made her feel like it was her idea! And the woman is only ever going to do WHAT FEELS GOOD in and above what the right thing to do is. To anyone who has ever argued with a woman will understand, the TRUTH is whatever she FEELS it is.. and as long as it feels good (regardless of whether it is actually correct or not), it's the TRUTH.

Really, the only way to get through to woman is through their emotions, not by explaining things in logical detail with logical argument.
You can be the biggest bastard in the world, but if you make women feel wonderful regardless, they will let you be any bastard you like.
This is why the jerks of the world attract women... they make women feel great, even though they may cheat around. Whereas the nice-guy, even though he is impeccable, will get hell from women simply because he doesn't make them feel great!

Anyway, while we're on the love topic, maybe you should check this out (and read the FAQ as well). It's a hard read, but well worth the effort :- http://www.geocities.com/protopop_1999/treatise.html

I think the original you reason to wrote was to say "You got to be clear about what is acceptable to you." Which I agree with. You also stated "I wouldn't care if my girlfriend cheated on me." I can't agree or disagree, that's your own business. When you told your girlfriend you didn't care if she cheated on you it made her even MORE in love with you. I just want to make sure I got my basics straight.

Really? why should it make her love me more?
See, I really don't care edgeways... as long as I have a good time with her while I am with her. I treat all my friends the same way. I believe I'm quite the opposite from the control-freak you're trying to paint me out to be.
She's her own person, considering I believe that she has intelligence and can make decisions for herself, and if I were to say "Don't leave me for someone else!" that would be coming from a place of insecurity in me.
At the same time we both recognise that cheating is easy given the right circumstances... it happens and is common in life. Some people want to go around and pretend that cheating is some kind of abnormal human behaviour! I am pretty damn sure it isn't.
Sure, I may talk about fantasy a lot, but there is a proper place for reality as well.

Wow, don't get offended. You have a rather untrusting attitude toward the idea of love. It sounds a lot like someone who has never been in love, and maybe is frustrated, or someone who has been hurt bad, and doesn't want to be hurt again. You seem rather senstitive here, and it isn't my place to guess (which is what I said, just a guess) but it does sound like I hit the mark pretty close.

I don't trust romantic love, if that's what you mean. Romantic love is an emotion that makes you feel good, and promises nothing but a moment of bliss.
I don't trust it especially when it comes to something like marriage which needs a really well hard thought-out approach to it. I do trust love that is done without any demands upon me to give something back. That makes me sit up and take notice.

[Naniwan Kid]

Really? why should it make her love me more?
See, I really don't care edgeways... as long as I have a good time with her while I am with her. I treat all my friends the same way. I believe I'm quite the opposite from the control-freak you're trying to paint me out to be.

You are the one that said it made her NOT want to cheat on you. I never tried to paint you as a "control-freak" and I don't think that you are one. Like I said from the start, your are in a rare kind of relationship. If it works, GREAT! I will not judge it as long as you both are happy and are not hurting or abusing each other. (Talking to PEEPER makes me realize there are MUCH bigger fish to fry)

See, I really don't care edgeways... as long as I have a good time with her while I am with her.

But you do live with her, so there are maybe bigger implications. Maybe I reacted to the "living together" bit, as, you know, means more in Japan than in most western nations.

At the same time we both recognise that cheating is easy given the right circumstances... it happens and is common in life. Some people want to go around and pretend that cheating is some kind of abnormal human behaviour! I am pretty damn sure it isn't.

On a biological standpoint, yes that is true. For a man to be true to a woman takes an effort culturally, as biologically we want to spread our seed to as many females that will accept. Females, on the other hand, want to be inseminated by the best male they can find. Cheating is NOT an abnormal behavior biologically, but it is hard to defend when you get to divorce court.

I don't trust romantic love, if that's what you mean. Romantic love is an emotion that makes you feel good, and promises nothing but a moment of bliss.
I don't trust it especially when it comes to something like marriage which needs a really well hard thought-out approach to it.

If marriage isn't your game, don't do it. I would never want to say it is something you SHOULD do. You seem happy, so I wish the best to you in your situation with no judgements.

[ramchop]

I don't trust romantic love, if that's what you mean. Romantic love is an emotion that makes you feel good, and promises nothing but a moment of bliss.
I don't trust it especially when it comes to something like marriage which needs a really well hard thought-out approach to it. I do trust love that is done without any demands upon me to give something back. That makes me sit up and take notice.

Maybe I need to grow up, or maybe I've just been incredibly lucky, but to me that sounds a very cold and analytical approach to love.

OK, lose the passion and you might lessen the chances of getting burnt, but what is life without passion?

[Naniwan Kid]

If it isn't cool, I am sorry to ask,

but Kotatsuneko, do you have any updates on your situation?

I am hoping for the best (for you).

[Neo-Rio]

Maybe I need to grow up, or maybe I've just been incredibly lucky, but to me that sounds a very cold and analytical approach to love.

OK, lose the passion and you might lessen the chances of getting burnt, but what is life without passion?

Who said it was ever without passion?

I guess I need to repeat myself... there is nothing wrong with passion, it's just that I don't let passion cloud the way of other things in my life to the point where it makes it a complete mess of things. In a similar way, I don't let my liking for alcohol start taking over my life, turning me into an alcoholic which then causes me to ignore all the other things I have going, and other people who are important too.

When it comes to women, I find women generally tend to dig guys who are passionate about other things in their life... besides THEM! I mean, you'd get bored pretty quick and wonder if you had a stalker if some chick made you the sole purpose of her devotion... (then again, maybe you wouldn't, but I know I would).

It lesses the chances of getting burnt... but more like removes it entirely out of the picture. I'm always looking on the bright side, and I don't take rejection personally. I've been with hot babes, and been rejected by women who are average in the looks and personality department, so it's not as if my self-esteem is on the line here, just because a certain woman says no. And heck, I appreciate that people are different, and women just as varied... and that I always manage to hook up with people who are right for me anyway, so in that sense nowadays I have to ask... what is this rejection thing? I mean, I know what it is, but I have to ask myself why I even once bothered with it in the first place.

I don't know about you, but I don't particularly like a "passionate" bout of depression, not when I don't want one. One thing I've come to learn is that you can control your own thoughts and emotions, and not let them control you if YOU DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE.

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[Taro Toporific]

... aki ito is still there i guess...
in the end, love has everything to do with it..

Couldn't have said it better. Hang in there by the ito.

[American Oyaji]

what is aki ito?

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[Taro Toporific]

[GuyJean]

akai ito
the red string of destiny or something,

It's called "ball and chain" in the West.

GJ

[japslapper]

kotatsuneko - your handling your very tough situation like a true English gentleman . It must be soooo tough being in Japan on your own with very little support around you. Japan is despite the security blanket image a very very tough place - very hostile for "kind" people - like which you obviously are.

I dont know how you arrived here - did you pair up in the UK with J-bird first then come here or did you independantly come here first? It makes a big difference. Depending on who you are and how much experience of these things- I reckon it takes at least 3 years for the average offthe boat gaijin to get adjusted to Japan. To be healthy here you must be able to be independant - get some langauge and your own friends.
I have a lot of gaijin buddies who have poor niphongo and there missus speaks English - I feel they are trapped. They are dependant on her - the guys who came over here after a missus are also in for a hard time - maybe not at first - Japan can be very beguilling for the new commer.

International marriagelove is often hard. Knowing the nation of your bethrothed is vital. Here are some rules I follow to keep my head out of the shit:

1) When dating - never start out with a girl whos english is better than your japanese(you must get your Japanese perfect as possible - and if you go back to the usa/uk with her she will pick english up quickly -no "Japanese beggers/leeches", niponkaiwa to slow her down....)

2)Before getting married make sure you have played the field here as well at home. know your beast, know yourself, know her. have at least 2 or 3 years of independant J-life.

3) Married or not -always have an escape plan. I always have 50man in cash.secret. Visa card. and open plane ticket. Private recripical escape safe houses with other gaijin buddies in japan and other nearby nations.

4) when making babies - do limit fear of raising kids that are not yours (it does happen) - make sure egg hits sperm here in japan. With few gaijin a half cast is most likely to be yours. Post birth do a DNA test to make sure (you can buy on the interent - crude but reasuring). :

5) never ever believe the cute side of the girl is 100 true. Ura/omote is big here! Also think about her family. Brother /sisters - youngest /oldest? A single female sibling maybe good for your finaces but not necessarily good for your heart or head.

6) Socialisation. remember the girl will have grown up in a disfunctional family - normal here - father/mother/kids relationship is strange. Romance and fidelety are not normal in Japan(try a christain J-bird? - go to church(bullshit or not). Japan has a low fertility rate. Its a fact that countries with low fertility rates people are less bothered by affairs (compared to highly fertile Brazil-jealously is supreme!)

7) lower your expectations. The American and British girls - femministic over powerfull fat whores that made you escape here are bad yes - but J-birds are cute on the outside and nearly as bad on the inside. Dont be beguilled by the presentation here .

The concept of kidness is different here. In your job - never ever volunteer to do anything - work against the grain youll go bald and they will never thank you. If your asked politly oblige. In relationships, cook-yes, open doors-yes, hold hands-yes, let her orgasm -yes but leave the rest of the gentleman bullshit behind at Heathrow or LA.

This is from my expereinces and that off my buddies includding:

1) A very Intelligent buddy(Uni teacher) who back in the UK is divorcing his J-missus. 2 of the three kids are not his.

2)Brit Uni teacher here who sent his J- wife back to the UK with kids to sort out schooling. She hitched up with the Honda-Uks chairman and screwed him. They divorced and stay in the same appartment block for the kids. He is a gentleman she is a manipulating whore.

3) American teacher here, whos Xmissus is a gaijin junkie. On their travels back to the states she was caught on a local CCV giving a BJ to a local young handsome taxi driver.

4) Canadian buddy with Another gaijin-junkie of an Xjbird - I caught here in the local gaijin bar holding hands with a NOVA teacher I told him - and he cooly arranged a new house,money,etc. He fucked hard every day for a fortnight - used her like shit. 2 weeks later cooly got up and left her in post coitial slumber "I saw you 2 weeks ago with NOVA man - the rents all yours!"

Conclusion - we gaijins are bought up to be nice. Watch out and watch the motives of the Japanese women. Most have no morals -and will leave you a wreck. Play by all means, but think, think think before the "Aisle Alter You".

[Naniwan Kid]

1) When dating - never start out with a girl whos english is better than your japanese(you must get your Japanese perfect as possible - and if you go back to the usa/uk with her she will pick english up quickly -no "Japanese beggers/leeches", niponkaiwa to slow her down....)

I am not sure why it is true, but I agree with this. I really preferred dating girls that didn't know English at all. The ones that kind of did turned into English lessons. "Let's talk English for the next hour" and we spent an hour on favorite colors and foods. It sucked.

2)Before getting married make sure you have played the field here as well at home. know your beast, know yourself, know her. have at least 2 or 3 years of independant J-life.

I sowed my oats....I can't think of anything that I "missed", so getting married was easier for me.

won't quote all your other points j-slapper, but you are on the money. I have another friend who is on his second j-marriage, but got it right, and now they live in the U.S. It's tricky....

[japslapper]

. ...I also think - though I am yet to find the scientific reason why- is that girls who fall into the "I love english" category tend to be manipulative. Is it that they are trying to get out the country? Are they after gaijin DNA (you may be good but they are usiing you to get to the USA/Uk to play sperm wars?) - I dont know if your into biology/or ethology or that stuff but the theory at the moment is that language evolved for group cohesion and manipulation. A j-bird who is into english for the sake of it perhaps have got some extra manipulation genes- no thankyou. I would personally prefer a bit with a splattering of english to enough to say a few things to my folks - but has an intrest in something - photography, books or something. Actually being the english swat or NOVA customer is no pretext to surviving a marriage in the USA/UK isit? I know from back home the japs that fit are usually what my JET posting school would call the "dumb" (or lateral thinking/creative) kids....

[cstaylor]

I dont know if your into biology/or ethology or that stuff but the theory at the moment is that language evolved for group cohesion and manipulation. A j-bird who is into english for the sake of it perhaps have got some extra manipulation genes- no thankyou.

Good thing I'm wearing my hip waders this morning. I fail to see how you can extrapolate from the theories surrounding the genesis of human speech to a specific situation about a girl who is manipulative.

[japslapper]

I dont know if your into biology/or ethology or that stuff but the theory at the moment is that language evolved for group cohesion and manipulation. A j-bird who is into english for the sake of it perhaps have got some extra manipulation genes- no thankyou.

Good thing I'm wearing my hip waders this morning. I fail to see how you can extrapolate from the theories surrounding the genesis of human speech to a specific situation about a girl who is manipulative.

Simple connection: Good at language = good at manipulation. Look at lawyers - they fuck with words. Look at woman just with their words they can control us. Being articulate is a good thing but being too wordy leads to big problems for the likes of the avergae FG. Just watch. Just observe -

[cstaylor]

That has nothing to do with genetics... that's learned behavior.

[japslapper]

....sorry budy genes are big business. Personality etc - sooo many things are down to genes . Shocking I know.

I am not saying that this singled tracked interest or talent in langauge and manipulation go 100% in hand (genes and the environment mix in very complex ways with many genes contributing to a minor characteristic) - and I dont think there is any scientific data as such on the subject as yet but it was an inference made in the "Naked Ape" "The Human Zoo" and "Intimate Behaviour" all by Desmond Morris. Richard Dawkins in the "Extended Phenotype" also says something about the "memes of language."

Just have an open mind and see if you notice this your self. I can remember at Uni my BS friends being as sound as a pound but the girlies doing Eng.Lit ....blimey!

Actually I am reading the "Sperm Wars" at the moment by Richard Baker. There is a chapter in that about female linguistic manipulation. Its a good read. Recomended.