Marriage tips

[Yosh]

[waruta]

After being married to a Japanese girl for five years I now understand why the suicide rate is so high in Japan. For any of you roundeyes out there thinking of taking the plunge - I offer my sincere warnings - but at the same time welcome another brother into the eternal suffering that is sharing your life with a Japanese person.

Wow. Bad day huh? Now you know why we grab any excuse to go out drinking with the colleagues on a weeknight...welcome to the club/Hotel California.

[Russell]

After being married to a Japanese girl for five years I now understand why the suicide rate is so high in Japan. For any of you roundeyes out there thinking of taking the plunge - I offer my sincere warnings - but at the same time welcome another brother into the eternal suffering that is sharing your life with a Japanese person.

Any kids?

[Yosh]

[Russell]

Yes, one. 13 months old. I'm not going anywhere.

Japanese women tend to change after getting kids. That may be partly hormones, partly culture in which kids get valued higher than the partner, and partly character.

Solution? Dunno. Maybe relieving your stress by posting more on FG?

[Yosh]

Japanese women tend to change after getting kids. That may be partly hormones, partly culture in which kids get valued higher than the partner, and partly character.

Solution? Dunno. Maybe relieving your stress by posting more on FG?

That's the plan man

[Bucky]

Has your wife ever lived in your home country? Does she speak English?

[Yosh]

Has your wife ever lived in your home country? Does she speak English?

We live together here in my home country, and yes she speaks english. She doesnt like it here, there are a list of grievances as long as my arm.

[twww]

We live together here in my home country, and yes she speaks english. She doesnt like it here, there are a list of grievances as long as my arm.

She never liked it?

I'm going to get hitched soon. Elaborate on when/how she has changed so I get an idea on what to expect.

[Yosh]

She never liked it?

I'm going to get hitched soon. Elaborate on when/how she has changed so I get an idea on what to expect.

I cant speculate on how your fiancee will react, but if you read through the forums here you'll find some pretty good examples of what the common stories are; essentially, any minor problems you have now - homesickness, culture barriers, language barriers... will turn into huge problems later.

I can give you some good advice however - when it comes to planning the wedding - make sure it's your brides way or the highway - your family, friends, whoever, do not let them influence anything about the wedding, especially if your fiancee doesn't know about or isn't used to a western style wedding. Give her what she wants - its more important than anything else - do not let anyone interfere, just make sure that her special day is all about her. I cant overemphasize this - give her the wedding that SHE wants. If she wants small, go small, if she wants Hawaii, go Hawaii. Leverage her wants against your families wants 100 / 0 %

Marriage doesn't change a woman so much, but having kids does. All I can say is good luck, and set this precedent - when your fiancee does something that you don't like - correct her immediately. Don't get mad, but be firm. Have that up front fight - its better than letting things stew and infinitely preferable to being Mr. Nice Guy.

[Russell]

I cant speculate on how your fiancee will react, but if you read through the forums here you'll find some pretty good examples of what the common stories are

So, you ask us for advice, while it is actually you who gives good advice to us.

Just wondering, is there a Japanese community near where you live? It sometimes helps if she can connect to other Japanese people. At least that may reduce her home sickness.

I have to say, though, that the Japanese Americans that I encountered while living in SF came across as lacking the Japanese "softness", i.e., they felt a little harsh in their expressions. This may be an obstacle to make friends. For Japanese who have lived abroad for a shorter time, this is usually not a problem. So, the quest may be to search for Japanese living near you who have been there for less than 10 years.

[Yosh]

So, you ask us for advice, while it is actually you who gives good advice to us.

Just wondering, is there a Japanese community near where you live? It sometimes helps if she can connect to other Japanese people. At least that may reduce her home sickness.
So, the quest may be to search for Japanese living near you who have been there for less than 10 years.

My city has a very small J-population, our version of J-town is pathetic. However, we do have a japanese friend of hers living with us, and her social circle is large, although in typical Japanese fashion, hanging out with these other women is more of a chore than a pleasure for her. So many social strategies to observe it makes my head spin. God help me if I want to combine a circle of my friends with any of hers.

[Bucky]

Somehow, I have managed to stay hitched to Mrs. Bucky through thick and thin (30 years now) and most of it in 'Merica.

I found that having Mrs. Bucky employed helped keep her occupied. She worked right up til the last Buck-ling was about a year old and then she finally demanded to stay home and look after all three of the wee ones. She's back working now as the youngest is in college now.

Would moving to a city with a larger J population (SF, LA, Seattle, NY or Vancouver, I see you're in Canada) be useful? We live on the left coast not too far from Ichiro so we have considerable access to things Japanese and I know that helps. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you were living in BumFuck Wakayama or someplace, you would probably be pining for a home too. Feeling for ya man.

[dimwit]

My city has a very small J-population, our version of J-town is pathetic. However, we do have a japanese friend of hers living with us, and her social circle is large, although in typical Japanese fashion, hanging out with these other women is more of a chore than a pleasure for her. So many social strategies to observe it makes my head spin. God help me if I want to combine a circle of my friends with any of hers.

Toronto has always tended to draw more Japanese businessmen than families or students and having companionship is bred in the bone for most Japanese women. Have any of her friends or relatives from Japan come over to visit?

[twww]

I cant speculate on how your fiancee will react, but if you read through the forums here you'll find some pretty good examples of what the common stories are]


Yeah. Fair enough. I've read quite a few anecdotes on this subject.

Though, this advice on giving her a wedding that she wants applies to all women, irrespective of race, I would have thought. I believe I have this aspect covered.

Was your wife enthusiastic about living abroad initially? I've had numerous conversations with my Fiance about the challenges of living afar...She seems to understand...Time will tell.

Just wondering, is there a Japanese community near where you live? It sometimes helps if she can connect to other Japanese people. At least that may reduce her home sickness.

This was my first instinct. We've made efforts to locate contacts. Even taken her to Matsuri's.

Somehow, I have managed to stay hitched to Mrs. Bucky through thick and thin (30 years now) and most of it in 'Merica.

I found that having Mrs. Bucky employed helped keep her occupied.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you were living in BumFuck Wakayama or someplace, you would probably be pining for a home too. Feeling for ya man.

This is nice to hear.

Have to agree. My fear is for her to become idle.

LOl Wakayama. Sure no problem. She can go to work and bring home a reasonable amount whilst I stay home and take care of the kids. But somehow, with most JWoman, this is not a likely scenario.

[matsuki]

I can give you some good advice however - when it comes to planning the wedding - make sure it's your brides way or the highway - your family, friends, whoever, do not let them influence anything about the wedding, especially if your fiancee doesn't know about or isn't used to a western style wedding. Give her what she wants - its more important than anything else - do not let anyone interfere, just make sure that her special day is all about her. I cant overemphasize this - give her the wedding that SHE wants. If she wants small, go small, if she wants Hawaii, go Hawaii. Leverage her wants against your families wants 100 / 0 %

While I don't necessarily disagree, I would say to be wary of womens that are unreasonable to the point that the wedding planning becomes a battle and problematic...that is a sign of things to come. (though if you had spotted the red flags before this, chances are you wouldn't be marrying in the first place)

Marriage doesn't change a woman so much, but having kids does. All I can say is good luck, and set this precedent - when your fiancee does something that you don't like - correct her immediately. Don't get mad, but be firm. Have that up front fight - its better than letting things stew and infinitely preferable to being Mr. Nice Guy.

THIS!

[Christoff]

The only advice you need to know is marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.

[james]

Solution?

girlfiend

[matsuki]

girlfiend

Not really a solution, more like pain medication

[Coligny]

girlfiend

wrist widow...

[IparryU]

The only advice you need to know is marriage is a business.

FTFY

I am actually convincing my non-English speaking wife to move back to 'merica... she hates 'merica and FGs in general... so you can see what issues I will be having in the future.*

Back to Yosh's issue... I would say not to move back to Japan at any cost... you getting a satisfying job is one thing to take into consideration and also considering that your wife will remain a house wife will just keep the situation you are in now... the same, but with more negatives.

1. your wife is on her turf, so you will have to rely on her for all domestic related stuffs... getting a place to live (stress +1), getting all the Japanese documents handled (stress +2), etc. (stress +x)

2. she dont like your cuntry... so what the hell do you think is gonna happen when you get here? you are tied up so boozing the night and going after the yellow-cab locals is a tough one.

3. you have a kid? well read up on the "returning home" of Japanese mothers and their kids without you being able to do shit... dont piss her off and trust her as much as a thief.
read...

4. your kid + English... how serious are you with your child speaking native English. not all kids pick up multiple languages like you read about. I have a friend whose wife only speaks English with their son... and he didn't get a hold of both languages until he was 11. Another mom at our daycare had 2 beautiful daughters who learned languages like nothing... now they know 4 and working on the 5th... So if you favor English over anything else (like some arrogant fucks are... but realize that they my be in a 60:40 lose:win situation) I would suggest you get that planned out... and your wife will probably have to do the ground work as she would know the area, etc... (stress +x+1)

5. blah

/rant


*HOWEVER, there are several other things that I would have the upper hand in.

1. Not knowing English, she has to let me make all the moves and she has limited say so.

2. She could get a good job in SacTown because of the increasing Japanese population in that city... I have some family that work for the state and they NEED native Japanese speakers apparently.

3. I get my kids out of the robot Japanese school system

4. Better health care (I do have a (personal) solid reason for saying this... not going to elaborate so we can avoid the fucked US healthcare topic)

5. I get to be a Mexican't again (tacos, pazole, jalapenos, tamales, tortillas)

6. My parents FINALLY get to meet their mago...

7. We get away from the next fucked quake that Japan will stare at their feet and point at someone to point their finger at someone else to blame everything on... creating another circle jerk syndrome for retards in suits

[james]

lots of good points

for the language issue, i definitely want my kids speaking english, and they do fairly well due to the extensive effort i've put into it. i'm not one of the "english above all else" types, but i think having decent near native-level english will give them advantages and opportunities that monolingual kids simply won't have. i will admit a bias - i'd sooner they speak more english than japanese. if i were a native speaker of some other widely used language, i'd likely feel the same.

unfortunately, with japanese, a person is limited mostly to japan. that's not to say there aren't opportunities here but having another language opens up far more. if you can get your kids also speaking english, spanish, chinese or maybe even french it's definitely worth the work put into it.

[gaijinpunch]

To the OP: Seriously, you need to warm up to the idea of infidelity in some way shape or form if sex is important to you. I know it's not for everyone, but chances are excellent your wife is not going to open her legs on a regular basis until she wants another kid. They will quickly close soon after that issue has been resolved.

YMMV, but I have found only drastic measures work w/ a J-wife. Talking about something never works. It often involves cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[matsuki]

To the OP: Seriously, you need to warm up to the idea of infidelity in some way shape or form if sex is important to you. I know it's not for everyone, but chances are excellent your wife is not going to open her legs on a regular basis until she wants another kid. They will quickly close soon after that issue has been resolved.

YMMV, but I have found only drastic measures work w/ a J-wife. Talking about something never works. It often involves cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Is that what he's complaining about? Maybe I'm blind to read what's between the lines there but I thought he was just complaining about how miserable he is with his wifey in his country in general. I've never been married but was with the same lemur for 7 years, living together for the last 3 years of that in LA. I never let anything get boring...whether it was planting a garden together, trip to Disneyland, or a weekend trip to some place we've never been. Unless the lemur is so negative that she won't do anything with you, with even a little effort, you can keep things from getting stale...and if not, you dun married the wrong woman.

[GomiGirl]

Is that what he's complaining about? Maybe I'm blind to read what's between the lines there but I thought he was just complaining about how miserable he is with his wifey in his country in general. I've never been married but was with the same lemur for 7 years, living together for the last 3 years of that in LA. I never let anything get boring...whether it was planting a garden together, trip to Disneyland, or a weekend trip to some place we've never been. Unless the lemur is so negative that she won't do anything with you, with even a little effort, you can keep things from getting stale...and if not, you dun married the wrong woman.

You are my new hero....

[Coligny]

You are my new hero....

GREIJIIIIIIII... close the barn, yer cattle is escaping...

[Greji]

GREIJIIIIIIII... close the barn, yer cattle is escaping...

I try not to get in to marriage discussions. My wife and I are still trying to figure out if we can make a go of it.

Also, don't worry about that white sheela, she changes heroes twice a day....

[(1VB)freels]

Welcome to the club!!! It's like a game of Russian Roulette, Japanese style.. All the chambers are full except one.... I know your pain bro.. I am on my 13th year and it's been a hell of a ride!!!! Keep your friends close!! That is really all that I can say. Plus for you guys that have Halfu's that have already moved out, i.e. college or jobs, does your wife start to get back to her normal self when there are no more kids to worry about??? I have a 12 and 9 year old. I have about 7 more years till my 9 year old is out. I would love to hear what you, whom know about this, can tell me. Thanks and good luck bro!!!

[Russell]

girlfiend

?!?
Which of the three meanings are you referring to?

1. Girlfiend: A girl who's your friend but treats you like a boyfriend without the positive benefits. Such as sex, emotional support and compassion.
2. Girlfiend: The one who nicks your money, demands your time, blunts your razors, whines about your mates and beats you up in bed. But you love her.
3. Girlfiend: a girl that seems to be part demon in nature. It seems like the most important part of the relationship is the sex... the rest of the relationship is just miserable where she treats you horrible. Almost every night you wonder if your performance was good enough or if you failed and she is going to devour your soul while you sleep. Yet the sex is so good you keep going back...

[Russell]

Going steady for almost 2 decades now, though I am not always the attentive hussy I should be (certainly not a hero). What helped to make the relationship better:

1. Kids getting bigger (but still in school),
2. Being on very good terms with my kids,
3. Moving to a bigger house,
4. Her having a good relation with my family back in my home country.

What does not work:

1. Talking,
2. Talking,
3. Talking.

Because that is apparently interpreted as me trying to justify my bad behavior. When arguing it is better to be silent and let it all come, but if it gets to a certain level one sometimes has no other choice than to argue back full force, or weather the storm with a headphone on...