will you marry me

[quincy]

well, thats the question i have to ask my japanese girlfriend. and i'm not sure abou the protocol for asking j girls to marry them

i've lived with my girlf for a few years and she is back to japan to work for amonth and its high time i popped the question. is it done the same as with english/us girls? ie get a ring (shit, how much do i spend??), pop the question, ask her dad later... or is there some japanese rules thingy i have to observe.

any help would be appreciated

[Marvin Feltcher]

Sorry!

[quincy]

ha ha, nice reply!
but like i say, i've lived with her 2 years, shes only over there to work for a bit and i'm tagging along because my next contract in london doesnt start til jan 2005.
oh yeah, and theres the visa thing - her uk visa is up soon and she wants to stay here.

you know a load of friends told me that jap girls go nasty once you marry them, but se's real nice... hell, she wont even LET me to the dishes... surely thats the basis of a good marriage?

lemme know if i shill have the wrong end of the fork...

[Ketou]

It's not the dishes goddammit! Who gives a shit about the dishes.

It's the sex!! All of a sudden it's just not necessary anymore.
They have a saying.... you don't feed a caught fish.

For Christ sake , bail young man, BAIL!

[dimwit]

well, thats the question i have to ask my japanese girlfriend. and i'm not sure abou the protocol for asking j girls to marry them

i've lived with my girlf for a few years and she is back to japan to work for amonth and its high time i popped the question. is it done the same as with english/us girls? ie get a ring (shit, how much do i spend??), pop the question, ask her dad later... or is there some japanese rules thingy i have to observe.

any help would be appreciated

My wife told me it was time to get so I said OK. :P

The usual procedure for getting married is the intro of you to her MA and PA, by which the assumption is made that you are going to get married from what I can figure, followed by the (in Japan) extremely overpriced engagement ring (trust me you are far better off to buy the thing outside of Japan as a good rock can put you back several months salary). Planned wedding costs here can also be horrific, so I were you I would get here settle in a while and have a steady job before you embark on that journey.

[Marvin Feltcher]

Sorry!

[Marvin Feltcher]

Sorry!

[silverfall]

I am married to a Japanese girl. The first time I met her parents was about two weeks before our wedding. I think they were more nervous about meeting me than I was about meeting them.

On that note, What are you crazy!? I am extremely happy with my wife but they DO change when you get married. Things come up and they always say "Before we got married you..."

Make sure you think things over before you do it. And make sure you go back to wherever you are from for your bachelor party. If you havent read my earlier post about the subject it is extremely difficult to find strippers in this country unless you want to go to a club.

Good luck and dont worry. They dont change as much as we make it sound. Make sure you talk about the big questions with her before popping the question. Where are you going to spend the rest of your life?, Citizenship?, etc...

P.S. any plans for kids? I have had to fend off that question for almost three years.

[quincy]

blimey, all i wanted to know was if i should, like, do a bow or pop the question in a particualr way or something like that!!

but thanks for the posts guys, and yeah, i hadnt thought too much about the darker side of this business.

fuck it, we've got til january til the visa runs out... no hurry, hey?

oh yeah and dimwit, i see what you mean about the cost. she's made out that shes not big into weddings and stuff (phew!) but i cant tell if thats just her saying what i want to hear?!?!

cheers all

[Andocrates]

The protocol is: You are asking her, so you use your customs not hers. A romantic dinner, the appropriate build-up and suspense so she knows it's coming then whatever you wish. (Although down on a bended knee? did people actually do that?)

But, the big deal is - no matter what she says now, you will end up living in Japan, (which isn't really that bad a thing)

[djgizmoe]

The protocol is: You are asking her, so you use your customs not hers. A romantic dinner, the appropriate build-up and suspense so she knows it's coming then whatever you wish. (Although down on a bended knee? did people actually do that?)

But, the big deal is - no matter what she says now, you will end up living in Japan, (which isn't really that bad a thing)

Agreed on both points; although my wife sometimes complains about life in boring old Japan, she didn't really enjoy 2 years of living and working in Hawaii (probably the "working" part). And make sure you do the whole nine yards, bended knee, ring if you can manage it. I never officially proposed, and it came back to bite me. While bike riding under Nagoya's TV tower, I casually mentioned that we should probably get married if I got accepted to grad school in Hawaii, and she casually nodded back. And that was it, really. It was enough until her friends started asking her how I 'popped the question' and she couldn't even clearly remember me doing it. Then she got retroactively pissed off. Now, everytime we see a proposal scene on TV or in a movie, she gets all sulky...I better think of a good anniversary present this year...

[AssKissinger]

While bike riding under Nagoya's TV tower, I casually mentioned that we should probably get married if I got accepted to grad school in Hawaii

:rofl: That's so much like my situation except I was like' 'Uhhhh my contract is coming to an end...' Then they rushed it even further by firing me early! My wife gives me shit about it sometimes too but you know when you got a beautiful candle like I do you can get away with murder .

[cstaylor]

My proposal was, "Guess what I have in my pocket?"

[Marvin Feltcher]

"Guess what I have in my pocket?"

Jesus, CS. Not that looks are everything, but I hope to God your missus doesn't look like Gollum.

[Taro Toporific]

The protocol is: You are asking her, so you use your customs not hers. ....- no matter what she says now, you will end up living in Japan, (which isn't really that bad a thing)

I agree with what Andocrates said: Do what ever you damn want.

It's not like she gonna say "no" ----and if she did say "no" you're better off since nobody should be MARRIED to the Land-o-Concrete(tm).

[Marvin Feltcher]

Sorry!

[Marvin Feltcher]

"Can't you have an abortion?"

Actually, that's not true. It was really, "Are you sure it's mine?"
That's not true, either.
It was more along the lines of, "Yes dear, I'd be delighted to accept your proposal."

[cstaylor]

"Guess what I have in my pocket?"

Jesus, CS. Not that looks are everything, but I hope to God your missus doesn't look like Gollum.

I just posted one of our wedding photos in my personal gallery... I'd say she looks more like Frodo than Gollum.

[Marvin Feltcher]

I just posted one of our wedding photos in my personal gallery... I'd say she looks more like Frodo than Gollum.

I remember the photos from a while back, now. I just had these horrible visions of somebody hissing, "what has it got in its pocketses?"

[cstaylor]

I just posted one of our wedding photos in my personal gallery... I'd say she looks more like Frodo than Gollum.

I remember the photos from a while back, now. I just had these horrible visions of somebody hissing, "what has it got in its pocketses?"

Oh, she does that, she just doesn't look like Gollum.

Me: (playing CS during work hours) "Yeah! Take that, punk!"
Wife (and coworker): "What is he doing, precious? Should he be working, being successful?"
Me: (still playing CS during work hours) "I'm not 13, but I can still shoot like one! Yeah!"
Wife: "Stupid, nasty fat hobbitessess wasting company time playing gamesess"

You get the idea.

[maraboutslim]

Not that anyone asked, but here is Slim's take on marriage:

Getting married for visa reasons is a perfectly good reason, as far as I'm concerned!

And as for people changing after marriage, just make it perfectly clear that you will not be changing, that you will still have the same friends or same types of friends, that you will have the same interests and hobbies and intend to never give them up, and that you will continue to seek satisfaction and pleasure in life in the same old ways and maybe in even new ways, to which she is expected to play along with (as long as they cause her no physical harm of course). Then if at some point she is no longer interested in what you are, or fails to provide you the kick you need, you can simply go and do it without her and it certainly won't be your fault since you were upfront about what you intend to do with your life and what you need out of life to remain sane.

In exchange, let her know what she'll get out of the arrangement: an emotionally supportive husband, a good roommate, a financial provider (if you choose), a good father for your kids (if you choose), an attentive lover, or whatever else you think you might want to and can do for her.

And do those things: you must hold up your side of the bargain. If you fail to do so, the whole house comes tumbling down. But at no point should you give the impression that you will ever give up surfing or playing in a rock band or going out drinking with your mates or having crazy sex with attractive women (but you may of course give the impression that as long as she remains such a woman, relative to age of course, that you may never need another lover), or stop riding a motorcycle or taking old italian cars apart and putting them back together or going to sporting events or gigs or whatever it is that turns you on. (for me it's all of those things). You enjoy those things now right? You will need them to continue to enjoy your life. Don't give the impression you are not going to need them anymore.

Believe it or not, such things can be communnicated in ways that are not harsh, boring, unreasonable, or misogynistic (if both parties are self-assured adults and spend a lot of time together) and often even communicated in the indirect ways that the japanese themselves are so fond of.

When you are sure that you have accomplished this and have come to this kind of understanding, and only then, get married!

Sounds crazy, I know. But it's possible to accomplish this and have an absolutely brilliant marriage and even a couple of kids (good ones even). Or maybe I'm just lucky.

As for proposing: i assume she's seen all the same sappy hollywood/English movies you have so just do it like that. No special japanese custom is needed. After she said yes, i did go meet with her parents and announce my intentions at which her father appeared to be pleased that I at least did so but he wasn't the type that was really interested in needing to give his approval and so replied something like "mou kodomo ja nai kara..." We've gotten along quite splendidly.

[Marvin Feltcher]

So Slim, how many weeks have you been married for?

[maraboutslim]

So Slim, how many weeks have you been married for?

Let's see... about 565 so far.

[cstaylor]

So Slim, how many weeks have you been married for?

[maraboutslim]

Actually it's about 575 weeks if you count it from the trip to the Kuyakusho instead of the ceremony.

[Marvin Feltcher]

about 575 weeks

Not to the same woman, of course?

[quincy]

good reply slim, much appreciated. dunno what that japanese phrase you said was mind you. i'm guessing it was something along the lines of 'you're paying for the wedding, right?'!

ok so i'm all set with this now. bended knee, decent sized rock, state that i'm not changing so she cant either (we havent even mentioned pre nuptuals...), couple of bows to the father (in law) and we're sorted. you know if this goes wrong i'm gonna hunt you all down

the only part i dont get is the living in japan bit. shes here because she doesnt want to live in japan. all the japanese i know there are depressed about being there. i wouldnt want to work over ther for too long, given from what i can tell, japanese employers have little respect for white workers. this effect would probably be doubled by the fact that i dont speak much japanese and am at a pretty senior level in publishing... nah it aint gonna work in japan for me i reckon

[Andocrates]

the only part i dont get is the living in japan bit. shes here because she doesnt want to live in japan. all the japanese i know there are depressed about being there. i wouldnt want to work over ther for too long, given from what i can tell, japanese employers have little respect for white workers. this effect would probably be doubled by the fact that i dont speak much japanese and am at a pretty senior level in publishing... nah it aint gonna work in japan for me i reckon

Just go for it - we can't know how it will play out. My statement was based on the "homing" instinct that develops in Japanese at some point. They are part of a unique culture, it goes to the root of who they are, and at some point she will (most likely) want to return home. This hits them hard when they have children.

But it's not just Japanese. I knew an English girl married to a friend of mine, she had a baby and you couldn't stand being away from her family. One week the marriage was solid, they next week she was in England.

And you often hear the negative side of Japanese life, but don't believe it for a second. Japanese love Japan.

[duke]

hey Quincy.........

Once you gets married; just wait till " They wants to have babies" YO

Then it will really mean jelly NOT chedda !!!!

[quincy]

you know, one of the first things she sid to me when we were properly a couple was that if there was a war or something like that she would have to go back to japan.
i figure she has a pretty strong homing instinct!