A life of isolation - fmine or flood

[eneman]

Being a newbie to this shit but not exactly new to Japan - 3 years. i was wondering about the coping mechanisms of fellow posters. There are a lot of long-timers and regular posters who would have at least a bit of a clue and those newbies like me.
I resort to beer and isolation a lot, but not necessarily through choice. Can`t speak the language good enough to converse in any depth with the locals and get sick of the comings and goings of new friends.
Got a Jwife and young tacker but after a long day of fractured English the thought of more when i get home is a bit too much so I head off into my world of beer, computer and TV.
So what i am asking is how long did it take to resort to other ways to feel comfortable away from the usual scene at home with mates etc?

[Taro Toporific]

..So what i am asking is how long did it take to resort to other ways to feel comfortable away from the usual scene at home with mates etc?

"Comfortable"? I loooove concrete Shangri La .

[Big Booger]

One word:

masturbation



Kidding. Get out. Take the kid and wife out and do things together. Join a club, take a Japanese course. Got a hobby? Do the hobby here.

If you can get to a larger city you can mingle with other FG's.. That can be fun, but you can make Japanese friends. I too am/was stuck in your rut my friend. When I first posted on this board I was sick of Japan. Now I am sort of getting "used" to it, but sometimes I need down time and I think that is very normal.

Yesterday I came home and took a 4 hour nap and didn't do shit.. you need those days. But to do it everyday is insane.. and will drive you insane.

Find you local community center and join a sport club. You don't really need Japanese for that and in fact your Japanese will improve over time while doing the club.

Can`t speak the language good enough to converse in any depth with the locals and get sick of the comings and goings of new friends.

That's a big challenge and should be your top priority, it is mine now after 3 years. I am going to master fucking Japanese come hell or high water.

[AssKissinger]

I think you just gotta accept a certain amount of isolation living over here. I recommend not really trying to make J-friends because sooner or later you'll end up disappointed by their bullshit. I don't mean you should shun them but you will find they're not worth your time. It sounds like you need to work on your communication with your wife. Be sure to practice Japanese with her even if it's easier to speak English. With a kid you're really gonna need J-skills or you'll be even more left out of everything that goes on at school and so on. You need to be able to talk to the other adults your kid will interact with, teachers, coaches and whoever. For me, I'd rather stick needles in my balls than to join any of their fucking clubs. Besides studying Japanese and practicing with your wife I recommend 1) not drinking too much (although I drink way too much myself 2) Get some exercise (like BB says) 3) Read good literature 4) Don't cheat on your wife

[sillygirl]

Learn Japanese. The telly here'll kill ya!

[AssKissinger]

Learn Japanese. The telly here'll kill ya!

But don't get your hopes to high cause it's damn near impossible.

[eneman]

I`m into surfing and nature (of the type that is not covered in concrete or surrounded by tetrapods) and so get a fair amount of exercise, so I`ve got that angle covered. I know beer is a problem at times, but only when salary day is far away and the wallet is empty and I can`t scrounge any off the misses.
I would rather eat dogshit than sit in front of Japanese TV, anyday so fuck learning the lingo for that. But I see the point of going gung-ho on the language, even if it is to keep one jump ahead of the kid. Be pretty embarrassing if she can seak better than me and she`s still only 1 yr.
Iguess I just miss Oz and my mates there and the Oz way of thinking. The Japanese mindset just sends me loopy, especially when I need something done that has not been done before or when I am driving. My kingdom for a gun, metaphorically speaking.
Cheers for your advice (don`t know how to block quotes yet so sorry about that)

[Taro Toporific]

....
I would rather eat dogshit than sit in front of Japanese TV, anyday so fuck learning the lingo for that..... The Japanese mindset just sends me loopy....

Poor Mrs Taro has to put a plexiglass screen in front of our TV when the Sunday morning pundits preface their loopy lles with the phrase, "Ware ware ninhonjin..".

[eneman]

Taro, is that`loopy lies`?. And does Ware ware nihonjin mean `us Japanese` or japanese are different. As I said Japanese is not my strongest point.

[Taro Toporific]

Taro, is that`loopy lies`?. And does Ware ware nihonjin mean `us Japanese` or japanese are different. As I said Japanese is not my strongest point.

"We, Japanese" (Ware ware nihonjin...) syndrome is the standard mindset of "uniqueness" here when addressing a foreign issue (or alien person). When I hear it, I know the words the follow will be uniquely logical such as:

"We, Japanese do not have dyslexia." ---J-education ministry official
"We, Japanese have longer intestines." --- J-government policy statements
"We, Japanese are warmhearted." ---said to me while I was standing on crutches on the train in front of the Sliver Seat

Let's waga kuni!!

[kurohinge1]

... But I see the point of going gung-ho on the language, even if it is to keep one jump ahead of the kid. Be pretty embarrassing if she can speak better than me and she`s still only 1 yr...

Ours is 1 too but it's only a matter of time before her Japanese is better than mine and her English better than the Mrs. I'd like to teach her how to surf too !

Anyway, the best thing to do is get into a regular language class - at least once a week - and just keep at it. Don't rely solely on the Mrs to learn as it just grates on the marriage IMO. Also, you end up talking like a woman (and that's meant in the nicest possible way, GG & GC).

You have a lifetime to learn and it won't happen overnight but bit by bit you'll pick up more and probably meet some cool people in the class. Then, practice whenever you can, whether with the Mrs' J-friends, at the pub or in a club, etc.

Hang in there & good luck.

[kamome]

Isolation, beer, web surfing, and movies are good coping mechanisms (I indulge in all of them). Two other great coping mechanisms are: self-improvement and a change of attitude.

Some people have already addressed self-improvement in terms of learning Japanese and getting plenty of exercise. Set goals for yourself, and the good feeling about achieving them will reduce the stress of isolation.

Change of attitude is a bit hard to explain. In my case, I once actually wanted to be accepted as a human being here, as part of Japanese society, as a member of the culture, and NOT to be viewed merely as a carboard-cutout gaijin. I viewed the fact that I wasn't being accepted here as a personal insult. This failure was a source of stress.

But you know what? Now I don't care anymore. I don't feel a need to be accepted in Japanese society. I just do my own thing, and I know who my real friends are. If you are secure in that knowledge--and are proud of the country you are from--then you can avoid getting stressed about the other things. Some dumbass "wareware nihonjin" comment won't bother you if you learn to tune that stuff out and develop the positives in your own life. However, this requires a shift in attitude that you have to warm up to--it doesn't necessarily come all at once.

[GomiGirl]

But you know what? Now I don't care anymore. I don't feel a need to be accepted in Japanese society. I just do my own thing, and I know who my real friends are. If you are secure in that knowledge--and are proud of the country you are from--then you can avoid getting stressed about the other things. Some dumbass "wareware nihonjin" comment won't bother you if you learn to tune that stuff out and develop the positives in your own life. However, this requires a shift in attitude that you have to warm up to--it doesn't necessarily come all at once.

AMEN!!

I kinda like being a minority though. I don't need daily validation of being able to "fit in" or one of the crowd but perhaps that is just me.

Japan isn't for everybody. Some people can't cope with the lack of control of their environment and people not behaving in the way you want them too.

When people try to control things of influence the greater community they end up bitter and frustrated. I have seen it.

But if you have a mellow, laid back attitude of "Live and let live" then these things don't stress you out and you can just enjoy living in such a kooky place. I like the surprises and the unexpected.

[Big Booger]

All sound advice from a plethora of perspectives. I think we all have went through this and if not, you're either still in the dream phase or you're just an insensitive being...

Learning the language will empower you in more ways than you can imagine. While you'll never fit in, you can voice your opinion in a way that any Japanese listening can understand. Often times just getting shit off your chest helps.

I'd really invest a lot of time in the child. Get involved, and stay involved. I'm sure you're doing this and if not, you should be.

Take a few trips home a year too.. I personally haven't been back in about 2 years, but that is my choice. Though when I have went back, it was a referesher.. I felt reborn when I got back, though oddly, I sort of missed the quirkiness of Japan.. it was just a good change for me. Might be the same for you... who knows.

[Mulboyne]

I know a lot of people who are in a rut in the home country but, because their surroundings are familar, stress doesn`t really surface except at key "marker" moments when life seems to be passing by (30/40th birthdays, weddings etc).
Being in another, unfamiliar, country can bring that kind of thing home more regularly to you so all the other posters are right in stressing finding ways to make personal progress.
Learn the language. No two ways about it. Your two hobbies sound a bit solitary so compromise a bit and find some Japanese surf shops or go hiking with some Japanese groups. What you lose in enjoying your hobbies as much, you`ll gain in your communication skills.
AK`s line about not bothering making Japanese friends is too hardcore for me but I know what he means. Kamome makes a similar point. Too many FGs equate being able to speak to Japanese people and being "accepted" by them with being friends with them. You wouldn`t think that in Oz. In most cases, they`ll be acquaintances at best. Also, being "accepted" seems to imply a lot of figuring out what other people want to hear and trying to give it to them. You need to do that enough in your work life and public life without having to do it in your private life too.
As the other guys say, set yourself a few personal targets and you`ll find a lot more pieces fall into place for you.
But don`t join any cults and stay out of debt.

[Jushin-Thunder-Liger]

Once youv'e convinced a J-Girl to try anal sex, there is sadly, very little to achieve in Japan.
You should become one of those blokes who hang's around Roppongi, in a suit, attempting to make friends with any old FG that walks through the door.

[AssKissinger]

Once youv'e convinced a J-Girl to try anal sex, there is sadly, very little to achieve in Japan

I have to agree that is a very important milestone.

[Jushin-Thunder-Liger]

The only other thing i really want to do before i go home, is get a Fillipino girlfriend for a while. I cant seem to find many about though, any tips?

[Ol Dirty Gaijin]

The only other thing i really want to do before i go home, is get a Fillipino girlfriend for a while. I cant seem to find many about though, any tips?

1. Go drinking with my Japanese boss.
or
2.When out in the boondocks find the cheapest snack bar.
Combining these two things will bring you a 100% success rate.

As for the original topic, find a bar, ramen shop or izakaya near home that you feel comfortable in by yourself. Find yourself a seat at the bar and try your Japanese out. Gets you out of the rut of school and talking about other things. Coz you're a regular, anything you didn't pick up the first time you can try later.
Work drives me nuts here, but the ritual I had the first six months, on a Friday night with the same ramen shop and bar helped me feel I had a normal life. And sped up learning how to talk general shit in Japanese.

[kamome]

The only other thing i really want to do before i go home, is get a Fillipino girlfriend for a while. I cant seem to find many about though, any tips?

Hit up 911 in Roppongi on a Friday night. They're always in there.

[Caustic Saint]

But if you have a mellow, laid back attitude of "Live and let live" then these things don't stress you out and you can just enjoy living in such a kooky place.

And living right down the street from a good liquor store doesn't hurt!

[hakuman]

All sound advice from a plethora of perspectives. I think we all have went through this and if not, you're either still in the dream phase or you're just an insensitive being...

I never went through it, and I dont think I am an insensitive being or in a dream phase. I just studied my ass off from the time I got on the plane, and still do. It took me 8 months before I had my first conversation entirely in Japanese, and now that I have been here 4 years, I watch and love the tv here.

I think Japanese language ability is the number one thing. If you cant speak Japanese, you live in a bubble. Even if you dont want to have Japanese friends, just being able to communicate with Japanese people, and to have acquainances goes a long way.

I dont really know how anyone could live here for 3 years and not learn Japanese. It only takes a minimal amount of effort and studying to learn it. After all, you are surrounded by people who only speak Japanese everyday. Go to a bookstore and buy a "teach yourself Japanese" book. You can probably even find one on Amazon.co.jp and they will deliver it to your door if you dont have a bookstore near you.

It got said lots by myself and everyone else, but I will say it again. Learn Japanese!

[American Oyaji]

Work drives me nuts here, but the ritual I had the first six months, on a Friday night with the same ramen shop and bar helped me feel I had a normal life. And sped up learning how to talk general shit in Japanese.

I must say that this helped my Japanese. Every Friday and Saturday, I went to the same bar. Helped my Japanese and my wallet because I could drink on credit. Being a regular has its benefits.

[Big Booger]

All sound advice from a plethora of perspectives. I think we all have went through this and if not, you're either still in the dream phase or you're just an insensitive being...

I never went through it, and I dont think I am an insensitive being or in a dream phase.

There's always an exception to every rule... that or you're just naive. Or maybe, quite possibly over-optimistic. As for not learning the language in three years, there's really no need if you don't really want to. That said, I'd recommend learning it, as knowing is half the battle.

[AssKissinger]

Work drives me nuts here, but the ritual I had the first six months, on a Friday night with the same ramen shop and bar helped me feel I had a normal life. And sped up learning how to talk general shit in Japanese.

I must say that this helped my Japanese. Every Friday and Saturday, I went to the same bar. Helped my Japanese and my wallet because I could drink on credit. Being a regular has its benefits.

I can't believe you ditched out on those people without paying. Low class.

And to this guy who never had any adjustment problems to life here: Wow, you're awesome.

[kamome]

I can't believe you ditched out on those people without paying. Low class.

Wait, AO didn't say he never paid. He drank on credit. Presumably he paid his bar tab at some point, right AO?

[AssKissinger]

I'm sure he did. Just teasing the guy. For me, drinking on credit is bad for my wallet, in the long run.

[hakuman]

And to this guy who never had any adjustment problems to life here: Wow, you're awesome

better fuckin believe it mang

[American Oyaji]

I can't believe you ditched out on those people without paying. Low class.

Wait, AO didn't say he never paid. He drank on credit. Presumably he paid his bar tab at some point, right AO?

Zatsu raito!

Yeah. I always paid.

And I didnt have much trouble adjusting either. But then again, there was a military base nearby so I could always go to the clubs near the base if I wanted to get my Americana fix.

[eneman]

Ok, point taken on the Japanese study. I was studying for a while - about 8 months every week with a teacher and putting in a bit of my own time with assorted books, but towards the end of last year and the start of this one I was so over Japan I just didn`t want to anymore.
I didn`t want to be here and I didn`t particularly like the Japanese, for reasons I have stated before. But, shit, summer is here now and my outlook is more positive, plus there are reasons that I have to stay longer, so bite the bullet, I am and will start again this week.
Thanks to all the posters for giving advice.
One thing. Is it just me, or does Japanreally need three writing styles. The sounds are the same after all, and with regards to kanji, couldn`t the word be written in Hiragana and the context of the sentence tell what meaning it has.
Any enlightenment on this would be appreciated.