Marriage tips

[Yosh]

[quote="Russell"]
What does not work:

1. Talking,
2. Talking,
3. Talking.

Because that is apparently interpreted as me trying to justify my bad behavior. When arguing it is better to be silent and let it all come, but if it gets to a certain level one sometimes has no other choice than to argue back full force, or weather the storm with a headphone on... ]

I agree. It goes without saying that there have been major issues I left out. Soon after we moved in together we were beset by one tragedy after another involving my family. 4 years later she's still extremely upset about everything that happened. I've made some horrible mistakes with how I handled the wedding, the family business, and my treacherous stepfather who I allowed to destroy everything we built out of the ashes. She told me in no uncertain terms that she blames me for everything - which I absorbed as I did all of her other legitimate and illegitimate complaints.

Around 2 in the morning the mounting misery was more than I could bear and had to leave the house. I went downtown for an unsympathetic drink - then tried to find a place to sleep for the night but it was all too expensive. I tried to sleep in my car but woke up freezing at around 5. I went back home to sleep on the couch for an hour and a half - she came down afterwards and we hugged it out - thats the way it goes. The first year of raising a baby is hard for anyone - but we have our own unique traumas that I doubt many people could relate to. She says I don't appreciate anything she's done. I think this type of behaviour is what I can expect for a good many years. If it wasn't for the kid I would have set her free so we could both have had a chance at a normal happy life.

I don't mean to piss and moan, I just need the rant a little bit - and no better place than in and among this crowd of strangers.

[Tsuru]

All this talk of failed and failing marriages is so depressing. Makes me feel like I'm the only one who got the empty chamber in the game of Russian roulette it seems to be.

For what it's worth: I, too, married a J-lass, several of the old-timers on here had the pleasure of meeting her when we were in Tokyo a couple of years back. She is my best friend,one of the most level-headed and strongest people I've ever known. We have known each other for nearly 10 years now, we bought a nice house in a suburban area somewhere in north-western Europe. She likes living here and is not even thinking about ever going back. And it's not that she burned her ships either: shes has a very supportive and internationally-oriented family back home, whom we visit about once every year on average. Our beautiful daughter is now just over 18 months old and we have another sprog on the way. Things couldn't be better.

Sure, we have our disagreements like everyone else, but we always manage to talk it over like mutually-respective adults. And as far as our sex-life goes, suffice to say that neither of us have any need to sleep around or things like that.

So there, it can be done

[Jack]

She never liked it?

I'm going to get hitched soon. Elaborate on when/how she has changed so I get an idea on what to expect.

Don't know what they are talking about but the only way my wife has changed is she wants more sex than before we were married. A lot of the crap you hear from people on here is their own fault, but somehow they would like to blame it on the ladies.
My situation is exactly the same as Tsuru's.

[gaijinpunch]

Is that what he's complaining about?

I am inferring from his tone. I could be way off the mark, but let's face it, the only difference between your spouse and close friend is [EDIT: should be] fornication. Having one or the other helps a lot. I am speaking from experience. I wouldn't openly moan about my spouse until I was getting no sex and being treated like shit (which is open to interpretation).

Maybe I'm blind to read what's between the lines there but I thought he was just complaining about how miserable he is with his wifey in his country in general.

Well, the comment, "I've got a 13 month old... I'm not going anywhere..." seems to be a tip off to me. Assuming if the kid wasn't there it would be splitsville. Surely the extra chores aren't that bad. They suck (again, experience), but I didn't find it that dramatic.

Unless the lemur is so negative that she won't do anything with you, with even a little effort, you can keep things from getting stale...and if not, you dun married the wrong woman.

The former is not always the case. More power to you if it's worked for you, but "dun married the wrong person" is a common phenomena across the board.

She told me in no uncertain terms that she blames me for everything - which I absorbed as I did all of her other legitimate and illegitimate complaints.

I'm going to come up w/ a marriage test for would be husbands. One of the first questions will be "is there always someone to blame with negative issues in your relationship... no matter who it is?". If yes -> run for the hills. This black and white shit is for the fucking birds. Some times people just have bad fucking luck -- get over it. Such a bizarre attitude for the world of shouganai. Maybe I've picked a few bad apples, but this has been a major PITA for me in the past. If she's told you she blames you, she will not only never forgive you, she'll probably remind you once every couple of years or so. Maybe even out of the blue.

[Coligny]

I am inferring from his tone. I could be way off the mark, but let's face it, the only difference between your spouse and close friend is [EDIT: should be] fornication. Having one or the other helps a lot. I am speaking from experience. I wouldn't openly moan about my spouse until I was getting no sex and being treated like shit (which is open to interpretation).

Tssss... friendz with benefits... why do you think I aint got no male friends... (NO, NOT JUST BECAUSE I PLAYED WITH DOLLS T'ILL I TURNED 16...)

Well, the comment, "I've got a 13 month old... I'm not going anywhere..." seems to be a tip off to me. Assuming if the kid wasn't there it would be splitsville. Surely the extra chores aren't that bad. They suck (again, experience), but I didn't find it that dramatic.

Depends on experience... but even a half broken baby was much easier to handle than an insane cat or a sick old poodle... And the time between feeding or diapur switch was giving a rythm to the day... never been so active... These days... if there was no FG I would be staring at the ceiling all day long despite all the task list waiting to be done... that don't only include chores but also stuff like 'finishing my flight sim cockpit' (over 18 month late now)... but... why doing now what can be postponed again tomorrow...

The former is not always the case. More power to you if it's worked for you, but "dun married the wrong person" is a common phenomena across the board.

That's only if you believe there is a "right" person...

I'm going to come up w/ a marriage test for would be husbands. One of the first questions will be "is there always someone to blame with negative issues in your relationship... no matter who it is?". If yes -> run for the hills. This black and white shit is for the fucking birds. Some times people just have bad fucking luck -- get over it. Such a bizarre attitude for the world of shouganai. Maybe I've picked a few bad apples, but this has been a major PITA for me in the past. If she's told you she blames you, she will not only never forgive you, she'll probably remind you once every couple of years or so. Maybe even out of the blue.

And me with an advice... if there is smething bothering you a little before... just know that it will bother you a lot after...

Her 'keep up with me or die on the side of the road' behaviour when we travel is absolutely awfull. It's not upsetting or boring or whatever, it's just plain dangerous or stupid... Like taking subway at rush hour... if you miss the train, she won't wait for you... Even the cats that can't stand each others have a better understanding of teamwork...

[GomiGirl]

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

Sorry but I had to lighten up the tone of this pity party thread.

[matsuki]

That's only if you believe there is a "right" person...

Not necessarily a "right" person but someone you're compatible with. Nearly every messed up marriage story I hear always seems to point to one or the other being selfish and or sharing little more than some initial attraction/excitement when they first met. I look at it like I do my hockey teammates...different playing styles, some fit, some don't. Some want the spotlight, some are just happy supporting you in the spotlight. BUT selfish child-like individuals will make your team lose, look bad, and will drag you down with them. They may even switch teams and hold a grudge against you.

And me with an advice... if there is smething bothering you a little before... just know that it will bother you a lot after...

THIS

People may go through phases but that annoying thing about them that irks you, if you don't deal with it now, see if they can change or decide it is a deal breaker....you're gonna wish you did.

....and on with GG's theme of lightening up the mood.

[YT]Xk_XaJ7gE4Q[/YT]

[Coligny]

Sorry but I had to lighten up the tone of this pity party thread.

GO BACK TO ZEE POWDER ROOM, WITCH !!!!

(or the kitchen, witchever is closest...)

/of to do some laundry...
//the drying function of mah washing masheen is AWESUM...
///I should now try to discover what the other buttons can do...

[Screwed-down Hairdo]

...the only way my wife has changed is she wants more sex than before we were married.

I guess you'll just have to try a bit harder to make sure she wants more of it with you, too, then.

[Coligny]

I guess you'll just have to try a bit harder to make sure she wants more of it with you, too, then.

ZING !!!

[GomiGirl]

I guess you'll just have to try a bit harder to make sure she wants more of it with you, too, then.

As much as it pains me to remember Jack's posts - there was a post a long long time ago where he was boasting about how many chicks he can pick up. The reason for his infidelity was because after the kids, his wife was no longer interested in sex but she was still a good wife as she brought him his slippers and cups of tea while he was in his lounge chair after dinner.

Is this a new person posting under Jack's handle or is Jack a compulsive liar who can't remember what stories he has told in the past?

You can be anybody you want to be on the web but please be consistent or at least remember what porkies you told in the past. People who keep changing their stories have no credibility...

I am calling shenanigans...

[matsuki]

I guess you'll just have to try a bit harder to make sure she wants more of it with you, too, then.

Wow....SDH that hits hard!

As much as it pains me to remember Jack's posts - there was a post a long long time ago where he was boasting about how many chicks he can pick up. The reason for his infidelity was because after the kids, his wife was no longer interested in sex but she was still a good wife as she brought him his slippers and cups of tea while he was in his lounge chair after dinner.

Is this a new person posting under Jack's handle or is Jack a compulsive liar who can't remember what stories he has told in the past?

You can be anybody you want to be on the web but please be consistent or at least remember what porkies you told in the past. People who keep changing their stories have no credibility...

I am calling shenanigans...

Bwahahahahaha

[CrankyBastard]

As much as it pains me to remember Jack's posts - there was a post a long long time ago where he was boasting about how many chicks he can pick up. The reason for his infidelity was because after the kids, his wife was no longer interested in sex but she was still a good wife as she brought him his slippers and cups of tea while he was in his lounge chair after dinner.

Is this a new person posting under Jack's handle or is Jack a compulsive liar who can't remember what stories he has told in the past?

You can be anybody you want to be on the web but please be consistent or at least remember what porkies you told in the past. People who keep changing their stories have no credibility...

I am calling shenanigans...

Oh, say it isn't so!! Our own Al di là and gift to all Jgirls, telling whoppers????

Non credevo possibile,
Se potessero dire queste parole:
Al di là del bene più prezioso, ci sei tu.
Al di là del sogno più ambizioso, ci sei tu.
Al di là delle cose più belle.
Al di là delle stelle, ci sei tu.
Al di là, ci sei tu per me, per me, soltanto per me.
Al di là del mare più profondo, ci sei tu.
Al di là dei limiti del mondo, ci sei tu.
Al di là della volta infinita, al di là della vita.
Ci sei tu, al di la, ci sei tu per me.

[GomiGirl]

People may call me a bitch but at least I am a bitch with a good memory.

[Samurai_Jerk]

Don't know what they are talking about but the only way my wife has changed is she wants more sex than before we were married.

I agree. Your wife definitely seems to ache for it more since you two got married. I'm having trouble keeping up now that I'm approaching 40.

[Samurai_Jerk]

Why do so many people who are already in shit marriages add kids to the equation? What a stupid selfish thing to do.

[twww]

Why do so many people who are already in shit marriages add kids to the equation? What a stupid selfish thing to do.

I don't think it's as simple as that. Apparently a Jwoman changes after having kids? It's not like you can return the little leaches from whence they came.

[Coligny]

It's not like you can return the little leaches from whence they came.

I'm sure I saw a movie like that...

NO GG IT WUZN'T PRoN...

(actually spend 1000 more times watching bad horror moviz and airwolf re-runz than pr0n... but I have a bad reputashiun to uphold...)

[6810]

I don't think it's as simple as that. Apparently a Jwoman changes after having kids? It's not like you can return the little leaches from whence they came.

And the hoary old cliche is wheeled out into the spotlight for an encore.

[matsuki]

Apparently a Jwoman changes after having kids?

Shouldn't the FG papa should also change after kids though? If you leave the majority of the burden on the mama and continue on with life as it was before, it's not too hard to predict that she's going to become a frustrated bitch that uses sex as a weapon. Get some updated cooling systems going and keep on the maintenance so she don't go nuclear when the rumbling starts.

[GomiGirl]

Shouldn't the FG papa should also change after kids though? If you leave the majority of the burden on the mama and continue on with life as it was before, it's not too hard to predict that she's going to become a frustrated bitch that uses sex as a weapon. Get some updated cooling systems going and keep on the maintenance so she don't go nuclear when the rumbling starts.

Again, you are my new hero...

[gaijinpunch]

Why do so many people who are already in shit marriages add kids to the equation? What a stupid selfish thing to do.

It is a common misconception that things will magically get better w/ the kid... that the kid will fill some type of void. The only void it fills is the physical one, and any thing you hated about your spouse before you will hate many times over after the child.

Shouldn't the FG papa should also change after kids though?

An ideal generalization. People change... and should, by definition. But from what I know it doesn't matter how much the father participates or tries to participate... the check is in the mail, as they say. All you have to do is search here... I will gander that if most new fathers weren't home to help w/ the child it was b/c they were too earning yen for food and heat. I had about no social life b/c I was at home the first two years of my sons life, and it made everything 100x worse. There was no equilibrium until I was hitting the sauce pretty hard.

I may not be anyone's hero, but I am a realist.

I think the more interesting debate is where does the culture break down for men? The law is clearly not on their side in a split. They're expected to work their nut bags off at work, and I can say with a fair amount of certainty the wives rule the home with an iron fist (typically). I even have acquaintances in a professional sense that I know go out and booze b/c their wives are all over their asses. Chicken or the egg, IMHO.

[matsuki]

Again, you are my new hero...

just stating the obvious though....seen too many guys here in J-land get wifed up, make babies, and then claim "she changed!! no more sex!" and then I find out more about what they're [not] doing to help out with the new responsibility...

...on the other hand I hear bored housewives bitching about their men all the time "he never does anything nice or special for me" and the same can be said about their efforts for the man in question.

I think in most J/J marriages this stalemate just carries on, ignoring there is a problem....in FG/J marriages, it becomes a blame game....but either way, bitching about it to other people or complaining to one's partner is not nearly as effective as taking the initiative and doing something about it.

I may not be anyone's hero, but I am a realist.

...and that's a problem, especially in Japan. So many people here are emotional clusterfucks, worse than 16yo girls in their rebellious stage. Sometimes you need to forget reality and tend to their emotions...and believe me, doing that means throwing logic and realism out the window sometimes...but it eventually tends to get them back into a state to deal with reality.

[GomiGirl]

:D just stating the obvious though....seen too many guys here in J-land get wifed up, make babies, and then claim "she changed!! no more sex!" and then I find out more about what they're [not] doing to help out with the new responsibility...

I don't pretend to speak for all women, some women or anybody other than myself, but there was something that just switched on in my brain after I had my baby. I had to think differently, plan out everything, project/visualise into every possible scenario to ensure I was prepared and also try to block out all the horrible "premonitions" of what might happen to my child if I fucked up.

It really does take up so much time and mental energy that at the end of most days I am spent.

I do make the effort to spend time and attention on my hubbilicious, but he certainly had to accept a different role in my life after bubs. This is not just about sex or no sex but more about what is left in the tank at the end of the day. Fortunately, he is an amazing man and so this is not a problem for us.

So for those guys with wives that are different after the babies, just walk a mile in their shoes for a bit and try to understand the stress she is under. It is not something that she can control - well not in my case anyway. I know that I am totally responsible for another human and it is scary and stressful but also wonderful at the same time. Sure, hubbilicious is there and he is doing his best too but lets be real here, if the shit ever hits the fan, it is *usually* the mothers that will be ultimately responsible for the kids. I am sure all you guys are great husbands and fathers too but there is just something instinctual/primal about motherhood... I can't describe it.

So if you ease a Mum's burden a little, then she will have more time/energy for you. Win-Win

[matsuki]

for those guys with wives that are different after the babies, just walk a mile in their shoes for a bit and try to understand the stress she is under.

Men's brains/emotions are wired differently so while we understand what you're saying, alot of fears that seem totally legitimate to you seem like irrational panic to us...I'm sure many of the spats start there. I think it's just best to admit we can't understand your stress and instead acknowledge it and show we appreciate what you must be going through.

It is not something that she can control - well not in my case anyway. I know that I am totally responsible for another human and it is scary and stressful but also wonderful at the same time. Sure, hubbilicious is there but lets be real here, if the shit ever hits the fan, it is the mothers that will take care of the kids.

Once again, I don't think men can understand how you feel and it's very difficult to accept that it can't be controlled...when lines get drawn in the sand over this, things get ugly. Best to just show appreciation for you and give you support...most of the time, we literally can't help you deal with spins around in your heads without coming across the wrong way.

If you ease her burden a little, then she will have more time/energy for you.

THIS

[GomiGirl]

Men's brains/emotions are wired differently so while we understand what you're saying, alot of fears that seem totally legitimate to you seem like irrational panic to us...I'm sure many of the spats start there. I think it's just best to admit we can't understand your stress and instead acknowledge it and show we appreciate what you must be going through.

Trust me, it is totally irrational to me sometimes too. For example, I could be standing on a train platform with the stroller (facing sidewards away from the tracks) and the train approaches. In my mind, I project the horror of what would happen if the stroller got away from me and went onto the tracks.

TOTAL LUNACY!! Irrational, illogical and totally unlikely.

But this is just the place where my mind goes by itself and I want to slap myself upside the head to get those images out. Cos it freaks me out and I don't want those horrible visions in my mind. I basically have to stop my mind from doing this as logic tells me that they are irrational fears for the most part.

It is not as bad as it used to be when bubs was little, but it was all the time and is not something I can control.

I have spoken to other new mums who have similar experiences. Not sure if it is just the brain's way of predicting the worst thing that could happen in order to prevent it, or what.

But I do remember that toddler video from China really really affecting me and moving me to tears. That shit never happened to me before the baby - I was a logical (for the most part) person.

So if you can imagine that at every moment of every day, Mum's are walking around the streets with their kids avoiding every possible potential accident. No wonder we are exhausted.

When you were a kid, I am sure you always wondered how your Mum knew you were up to something or you were headed for potential disaster. It is because she lived/seen all of your accidents for you in advance and could spot one coming a mile away. You just thought she had eyes in the back of her head.. nope her mind had already processed all possible outcomes from each action.

Anyway - just wanted to give you a glimpse of what it is like to be me.. aren't you glad you are not wired this way?

[matsuki]

Anyway - just wanted to give you a glimpse of what it is like to be me.. aren't you glad you are not wired this way?

YES!

[twww]

Shouldn't the FG papa should also change after kids though? If you leave the majority of the burden on the mama and continue on with life as it was before, it's not too hard to predict that she's going to become a frustrated bitch that uses sex as a weapon. Get some updated cooling systems going and keep on the maintenance so she don't go nuclear when the rumbling starts.

Not suggesting that the FG has any less responsibility than the Jwife. And I don't believe this is the issue with the OP either.

Before all the shit hit the fan, there had to have been a time where she was fine with everything, even living in a different country. So what's changed?

[Coligny]

But I do remember that toddler video from China really really affecting me and moving me to tears. That shit never happened to me before the baby - I was a logical (for the most part) person.

Same here, but the report of the little girl found drowned because she couldn't outrun the wave with her heavy evacuation backpack and this event were affecting as well:


report here
(the standard 'what that fuss is all aboot ?' baby face is quite priceless)

[Samurai_Jerk]

I don't think it's as simple as that. Apparently a Jwoman changes after having kids? It's not like you can return the little leaches from whence they came.

I'm saying that because based on his posts it seems like they already had a lot of problems and decided to have a kid anyway which only made things worse.

Anyway, GG, those changes are caused by hormones. I don't think guys realize how much they change either. I've read some articles about recent studies that show how much men change during their wives' pregnancy and after birth. Basically, their hormones turn them into big pussies.