Mandatory pregnancy, abortion adoption thread

[dreg]

Somewhat surprised to have not found any topics on this...

In the closing stages of a my relationship with my (ex?) girlfriend, we had the misfortune of finding out she is now six weeks pregnant with my child.

Abortion is unfortunately not an option as she is ideologically opposed to it, and I have no desire to raise a child with a person I do not desire as my wife, clearly the child will suffer.

Is adoption an option? I have read that for every adoptive couple there are ten babies available, and I am concerned that a half gaijin/half japanese baby will not be desirable.

Any thoughts? She does not have the means to raise this child by herself.

[American Oyaji]

Question: What is your nationality?

Would the child have a better life in your country or Japan? If you believe your country, then you will have to acknowledge the child and provide for their citizenship. Adoption is possible after that.

Are you opposed to raising a child on your own? No one knows how to raise a child until they become a parent.

[hundefar]

Why not take responsibility for the child you created? I can understand that it might not fit into the plans you had for your life, but it is your child (or foetus at the moment, but it will become a child). You say that the child will suffer, but really that is a choice that you make. You can take responsibility for your actions and raise the child the best you can, or you can choose to leave the child to a fate unknown.

A child is not something that you just get rid off in one way or the other, just because they don't fit into your plans. It is a human being and needs to be treated as such. So I recommend that you think it over again, and also see the good sides of raising a child. Mainly that you will get to experience the bond between parent and child, and you will know that you could have chosen to give the child away or get it aborted, but you chose to give it a good life instead.

Of course it is your life, but I am just giving my opinion here. I really think it is wrong to give your children away unless you have a very good reason. I hope you will find a way to decide what to do.

[amdg]

So is the relationship completely kaput? No hope at all? If you don't mind answering what were the problems between you that caused you to break up?

[kamome]

It's pretty unfair what your girlfriend is putting you through. She's giving you no say whatsoever in what happens with the pregnancy? I say that if she insists on going through with it without your approval, then she has to deal with the consequences.

[hundefar]

It's pretty unfair what your girlfriend is putting you through. She's giving you no say whatsoever in what happens with the pregnancy? I say that if she insists on going through with it without your approval, then she has to deal with the consequences.

Are you saying that he has no responsibility if she chooses not to have an abortion? I would think that a father has responsibility no matter what. If one doesn't want that responsibility then one should use some form of birth control. A pregnancy isn't something that just happens.

[amdg]

Yeah, and before you start up with Japanese girls you should know that most have very different attitudes to abortion and these kinds of accidental pregnancies than in the west.

Its a sad situation here.

[dreg]

I read that in the UK (I'm Englissh), the parents must spend six weeks with the baby before giving it up for adoption, which just seems inhuman.

We split up because I was supposed to move back to London yesterday, and she was going to stay here simply because she is not the woman I want to finish my life with.

Although I appreciate the moral debate, I'd prefer if it were kept to a different thread.

[yanpa]

I read that in the UK (I'm Englissh), the parents must spend six weeks with the baby before giving it up for abortion, which just seems inhuman.

Umm, yes, it does (!).

[Iraira]

Yeah, and before you start up with Japanese girls you should know that most have very different attitudes to abortion and these kinds of accidental pregnancies than in the west.

Its a sad situation here.

Even if you do "know" her views on abortion, it is a very different situation once she is preggers and has to face the issue herself. Been through one abortion with an ex-gf here, sat with her in the recovery room after the procedure, and it's defintely nothing she wants to go through, nor would any sane person want to see someone they cared about go through. At the same time, I realize that, IN OUR CASE (caps intentional), having the abortion was better than having the child. I don't want this to turn into an ethical or (even worse) religious discussion, but really, you guys need to focus on what is best for the three of you. It is time to be selfish and selfless, and sadly, time to be an adult.
It's hard enough for two people to raise a child, let alone one. Consider who has the best support base (access to family, etc). True, halfs do get treated like crap, especially during elementary school, but from what my friends with biracial kids have said, that kinda changes when they hit jr. high school, and they somewhat get the Keanu image. Hopefuly, if you do decide to have the kid, your Keanu will be born with a brain, unlike the real one.

[gomichild]

You took responsibility when you decided to sleep with her.

One thing I think it's easy to forgot is that having an abortion is not like having a tooth pulled - pregnancy takes over your body totally, everything is driven towards producing the child - hormones over run you. That's why there is a considerable recovery time after an abortion or miscarriage because you need to go through grieving and your hormones going back to different levels.

If she is unwilling to have an abortion, then really you leave her to her own devices, or you step up to the plate like a responsible person and try to give the child that is half your making the best life you can.

If she is not open to adoption then it's the same deal basically.

BTW I can't see how this can't turn into a moral debate when you've asked us to express our thoughts. If you wanted specific information on the process of adopting out a child then you should have made it clearer in your initial post.

[unkosando]

I don't mean to be a bastard here but... Are you sure she is really pregnant?

This could be some fucked up last ditch effort to keep you.

[dreg]

Sorry for not mking myself clear, I'm specifically looking for practical advice regarding adoption (despite that rather glaring freudian slip earlier on).
And yes, we were using protection.

[ttjereth]

I can't give you specific statistics, but my wife and I looked into adoption here in Japan for awhile and most kids who are put up for adoption in Japan end up living out their lives in care of "the system".

Part of this is obviously cultural, but I imagine another large part is that it can cost more than $20,000 U.S. to adopt a child in Japan.

You can contact adoption organizations directly for more information. A few can be found on the U.S. embassy page although I think more of these organizations are more geared towards international adoptions but these might be more suitable for trying to ensure better chances for a mixed race child to be placed for adoption.

http://japan.usembassy.gov/e/acs/tacs-adopt.html

You can find more information on adoption in Japan here:
http://www.crnjapan.com/adoption/en/typesofadoption.html

And an article on Japanese adoption (somewhat preachy and slanted possibly) here
http://www.fww.org/famnews/0629a.html

And some discussions here:
http://www.tokyowithkids.com/discussions/messages/8/95.html?1176022507

Also, I'm assuming the mother to be is okay with the adoption idea, because you both have to consent to giving the child up for adoption here.

Not to be preachy or anything, but speaking from personal experience, I'd steer clear of the abortion route if at all possible. It's something that can haunt you for rest of your life afterward...

[ttjereth]

It's pretty unfair what your girlfriend is putting you through. She's giving you no say whatsoever in what happens with the pregnancy? I say that if she insists on going through with it without your approval, then she has to deal with the consequences.

It's a bit more complicated than unfair. Having had a past girlfriend make the choice for me, it's not a matter of her being unfair if it's against her beliefs/ethics/whatever to have the abortion.

For those with extreme views, it can be very much like being asked to murder someone. I would imagine (and hope) she isn't opposed to an abortion just to not give him a choice. The pregnancy was something they both caused, accidental or not, and is something they should work together to resolve.

Neither side should get an automatic out just because the other side doesn't want to do what they want.

[American Oyaji]

I don't mean to be a bastard here but... Are you sure she is really pregnant?

This could be some fucked up last ditch effort to keep you.

I would not put this past a J-girl.

[FG Lurker]

I don't mean to be a bastard here but... Are you sure she is really pregnant?

This could be some fucked up last ditch effort to keep you.

I had a J-girl do this to me, so it is definitely possible.

[FG Lurker]

In the closing stages of a my relationship with my (ex?) girlfriend, we had the misfortune of finding out she is now six weeks pregnant with my child.

Abortion is unfortunately not an option as she is ideologically opposed to it, and I have no desire to raise a child with a person I do not desire as my wife, clearly the child will suffer.
[...]
Any thoughts? She does not have the means to raise this child by herself.

Well, you have three options -- assuming she is actually pregnant which is something you should get checked together at a hospital.

(Without recommending any and in no particular order:)

Option #1 is to step up and take responsibility for her and the baby.

Option #2 is to pressure her into having an abortion.

Option #3 is to bail and leave her to take care of this herself.

Is adoption an option? I have read that for every adoptive couple there are ten babies available, and I am concerned that a half gaijin/half japanese baby will not be desirable.

As others have mentioned, adoption inside Japan is not really an option. Your kid will spend its life in orphanages, a miserable existence to be sure.

[maraboutslim]

And yes, we were using protection.

Then maybe it's not yours...

[L S]

[Greji]

Then maybe it's not yours...

Ain't mine! Maybe GJ or Bird....

[dreg]

That's great, thank you very much for all your help.

[Samurai_Jerk]

You took responsibility when you decided to sleep with her.

I personally wouldn't bail if I knocked up a girl who decided to have a baby even if it was just a drunken one night stand (at least I don't think I would). However, I love the double standard used here. That argument is the same one that pro-lifers use with women that get pregnant and decide to have an abortion.

I would argue that laws regarding reproductive rights in developed countries are totally unfair to men. If I had a wife and we planned to have a child and she suddenly changed her mind and wanted an abortion, there is nothing I could do to stop her. On the other hand, if I was dating a girl who signed and notarized a contact saying she would have an abortion if she got pregnant and did but changed her mind, I'd be stuck with child support payments for 18 years.

BTW, GC, if you're pro-life, then you aren't applying a double standard. I'm talking more in general here.

[hundefar]

I would argue that laws regarding reproductive rights in developed countries are totally unfair to men. If I had a wife and we planned to have a child and she suddenly changed her mind and wanted an abortion, there is nothing I could do to stop her. On the other hand, if I was dating a girl who signed and notarized a contact saying she would have an abortion if she got pregnant and did but changed her mind, I'd be stuck with child support payments for 18 years.

Well, there is one big difference between her and you. It is HER body. You are not the pregnant one.

[Samurai_Jerk]

Well, there is one big difference between her and you. It is HER body. You are not the pregnant one.

Well, if she makes the choice to have a kid I don't want, why should I have to pay for it? Isn't that forcing me to do something I never agreed to?

[Iraira]

Well, if she makes the choice to have a kid I don't want, why should I have to pay for it? Isn't that forcing me to do something I never agreed to?

Basically, this is a buy the ticket take the ride situation. You know in advance of the potential consequences of your actions. No one wants an unplanned pregnancy, that's obvious, but shit like this happens. If you've been in this situation and you stuck by her throughout whatever she and you decided together, don't take a bow...that's what you are supposed to do. I'm assuming that you wouldn't leave a chick you knocked up to fend for herself as only a true pussybitch would shirk that responsibility.

[American Oyaji]

Basically, this is a buy the ticket take the ride situation. You know in advance of the potential consequences of your actions. No one wants an unplanned pregnancy, that's obvious, but shit like this happens. If you've been in this situation and you stuck by her throughout whatever she and you decided together, don't take a bow...that's what you are supposed to do. I'm assuming that you wouldn't leave a chick you knocked up to fend for herself as only a true pussybitch would shirk that responsibility.

TRUTH!

[FG Lurker]

Well, there is one big difference between her and you. It is HER body. You are not the pregnant one.

Interesting how everything is "hers" (or "mine") until it comes time to pay up. Then it suddenly becomes "his" or "ours".

[ttjereth]

Well, there is one big difference between her and you. It is HER body. You are not the pregnant one.

Technically, the kid is HALF his though. There's no winning this arguement for either side.

[Samurai_Jerk]

Basically, this is a buy the ticket take the ride situation. You know in advance of the potential consequences of your actions. No one wants an unplanned pregnancy, that's obvious, but shit like this happens. If you've been in this situation and you stuck by her throughout whatever she and you decided together, don't take a bow...that's what you are supposed to do. I'm assuming that you wouldn't leave a chick you knocked up to fend for herself as only a true pussybitch would shirk that responsibility.

If you read my first post, you will see that I said I wouldn't bail. My point is, the arguments used to tell men they have to "do the right thing" are the same ones that are shot down when pro-lifers tell women that they have to have children they don't want. Women are well aware of the consequences of fucking too. I think any guy that gets a girl pregnant should take care of the kid if she decides to have it. However, I don't believe he should be legally obligated too.