need advice on life

[AlbertSiegel]

Hello friends and fellow FG members. I decided to make this a public topic rather than ask only my friends since I would like as much advice as I can get. I am at a point in my life where I need to make a large decision in the next couple of weeks. I am asking for real and honest advice. Please no FG style jokes for newbies.

As many of you know, I got married a little over a year ago. It took just as long to get my wife a visa into the United States. She finally got it last week. Our plan for the future was for her to come to the United States and live with me here for 18-24 months. This would allow us both time to enjoy life and build our careers in America with the hopes of using those skill in Japan when we decide to move back.

She is a translator, but has been working on getting her CPA certification. I am a photojournalist in my first year of my career. Most of the work I do is freelance and I seem to be doing fine for my lack of long-term experience. My wife has not been able to work for a while due to visa issues.

She seems to be unhappy in the United States. She would rather stay in Japan and so the idea of making the move early came up. She suggested rather than her live in the United States, she stay in Japan and look for work. This way she can get her career going again and have things ready for me when I join her.

She is afraid that since she is 37 than nobody will hire her by the time we move back in two years. She tells me it is very difficult for Japanese women to get good jobs as they get older. This seems a bit odd to me as an American, but she should know better than me. She feels that her future, and ours for that matter, would be better off if she were to start our life in Japan now.

I am a bit nervous about this. Part of the reason I want to stay in the United States a little longer is I want more experience as a photojournalist and Photographer in general. I want to build up my portfolio and resume plus make as many contacts as I can before I go. I am very afraid of failure as a photographer / photojournalist in Japan.

In addition, my Japanese skills are worthless. I would love more time to learn a little Japanese before I go, but then again what better a place to learn than the homeland?

I think I would be ready to make the move in six to eight months if I must do it sooner than later. This would give me more time to learn more Japanese, build up my portfolio and hopefully make some contacts in the world of Photography and Journalism. This would also allow my wife time to rebuild her life after the loss of time in Japan.

She really is not happy in America and is only here for me. She would much rather stay in Tokyo, but is willing to come to the U.S. to be with me if it will help my career. I want her to be happy more than anything and am willing to spend time apart, but I am very nervous about my future since I know nobody in my field in Japan and am afraid of failing. I want to be ready before I make this move.

It seems that there are two options for me:

Should I agree to her staying in Japan and rebuilding her life and take the chance to start my career there early? This is what we were planning to do, just 18 months form now.

-or-

Should I ask her to come here and be with me while I take longer in building my career?

Am I dooming myself by starting early or am I just worrying for nothing? I feel so lost about this! I am worried if her being in the United States just for me will bring issues into the marriage in the future. I am starting to lose sleep over this. Please share any advice and opinions.

Best wishes,

-albert

[AssKissinger]

How old are you?

How much money did you make working in America last year?

[amdg]

Hi Albert

Looks like you have some tough decisions to make.

I have some preliminary thoughts.

As AK is getting at, your combined earning potential is going to be an important factor for you both. Is it higher in the US or in Japan? Sit down with a pen and paper and work through the best and worst case scenerios.

From my experience, a good translator doesn't have to worry too much about age, even for females. They can still find work up until the late fourties quite easily. Or does she want to break into the CPA field? That might be harder, I'm not sure.

I'm also not sure from your post whether your wife is with you now, or, if she is, how long she has been in the US. That might be useful information for us because you say that she only got her visa one week ago. And she already wants to go back to Japan?

I don't know anything about the photojournalism market in Japan so I can't help you there. However, I made the decision to stay here in Japan even though I would be earning only about half as much as I could make back home. That was my choice and I made it partly on the basis of consideration for my wife and partly because I don't care about money so much as long as I am comfortable. So I think (maybe) I know what kind of dilemma you are facing.

I'm sure other people are going to ask for a bit more clarification of your situation too before they give whatever advice they can. So please let us know a little bit more and hopefully we can assist you here.

Cheers.

amdg

[Dragonette]

And a few more questions...

Where in the US are you living now?
Is there a Japanese community there where she could interact with other Japanese expats? (If she had some Japanese friends that like living here, she might change her thinking in time...)

I'm asking because we live in NYC and my husband's friends are almost exclusively Japanese; - he is sometimes natsukashii for the motherland, but would definitely not want to go back there to live; he likes the international flavor, openness and freedom from social restriction here. Has she had the opportunity to discover that for herself?

Also, don't underestimate the importance of Japanese food. Aki (my husband) absolutely needs his comfort food and gets physically ill without it. After 30 years here, he would still be miserable without his ramen, yakisoba, etc. fix at least 3x a week. If there are no Japanese or Korean markets nearby, there's always the web.

In my experience once they're here long enough to get comfortable, except for short aisatsu visits, they don't want to go back - too much pressure.

[kamome]

Your wife might be a little too worried about her age if she is considering working as an accountant (kaikeishi) or as a tax accountant (zeirishi). I worked for one of the Big 4 accounting firms in Tokyo and there were older, married (or divorced) Japanese women working in the company. Age/marital status didn't seem to be an issue for them at that time.

[ttjereth]

Your wife might be a little too worried about her age if she is considering working as an accountant (kaikeishi) or as a tax accountant (zeirishi). I worked for one of the Big 4 accounting firms in Tokyo and there were older, married (or divorced) Japanese women working in the company. Age/marital status didn't seem to be an issue for them at that time.

Already working there or starting at an older age?

For translation the age shouldn't be a factor assuming she works freelance. In house it would mainly be awkward offering her an entry level salary at an older age, but there are plenty of companies who would be happy to do so.

I have Japanese friends who lived overseas for a few years or did the "freeter" thing and most of them have had a hard time starting any sort of career when they returned to Japan. I know more than a few of them had to take pretty shit bottom rung office jobs and keep them for three years before being able to switch to better positions. I still have a friend who is sweating through the last year of a shitty job in hopes that the 3 years in one position at one company will help him applying to other Japanese companies.

[Adhesive]

Well, I've heard of the age discrimination that takes place in Japan, but does it really matter whether she begins her career at 37 vs 39? I wouldn't think employers would make much of a distinction, and any difficulties she may face due to her age aren't going to be drastically different in two years time.

That being said, a wife suggesting potential time apart from her husband hints at some serious underlying problems. How miserable is she in the US? Like others have mentioned, might she be willing to compromise if you lived in an area with access to a large Japanese community? I know for my wife, the only thing that keeps her from falling into a depression after returning from a trip to Japan is the fact that we live in an area where we can get virtually anything we want from japanese supermarkets, book stores, etc.

One last thing I'd suggest is to make sure that you are personally OK with the possibility of putting your career in jeapordy in order to be with her in Japan, and, even more importantly, that she is equally OK with the possibility that her husband's career hasn't taken off as planned, and that it may or may not be attributable to the move. Otherwise, like you suggested, there may be some serious resentment issues that build up over time.

Good luck with your decision!

[AlbertSiegel]

[omae mona]

There are lots of obstacles to begin with in a cross-cultural marriage. Financial stress or physical separation (and heaven forbid, both at the same time) will work against your chances of success. I hate to sound unromantic, but practical issues like these are very important, and especially so in the early years of a marriage.

Go where you will jointly earn the most money over the next few years. Do not live separately.

If that means Japan, then move to Japan. Fast. If your wife is bringing home the bigger paycheck at first, then split your time between Japanese study and career development. This is the age of the Internet, and I have a hunch you can develop a photojournalism areer that is tied both to Japan and the U.S. even if you're physically in Japan.

[halfnip]

Albert---I think this is a topic that a lot of us have or are currently trying to fish our way through. I'm pretty much in the same boat---I've been working here in Tokyo for going on 8 years now and all of my real working experience has been here in Tokyo. I've always had plans of packing up and moving back to the US, which would put me in the same position. Working experience here doesn't necessarily give you the experience that someone in the US would be required to have. A good example would be being bi-lingual in English/Japanese and moving back to the US and wanting to use these skills. Here in Tokyo, you can pretty much do anything---software, finance, etc. Back in the US, most companies that value E/J bilingual candidates are in the automotive or electronic industries (who would've guessed!). I've looked around in the US (the shitty sate that it's in, I might add!) and it's pretty much slim pickings.

We FG's who are in bi-cultural marriages will_always have to deal with the situation you are in at some point or the other. Her being away from Japan, or even if you moved back here, you being away from the US. I'd like to be able to tell you that you both can be happy, but it's really about deciding what's the best scenario 5-10 years down the road vs. satisfying individual needs. How long were you here in Japan with her before your move back to the US? It only seems fair that you stick to what was discussed (if you agreed that she'd stick it out for 2 years then move back to Japan for good, etc.), but it's understandable that you have to do what you can to make things "right". Japanese women tend to be less independent (although it's been changing), so it's a lot more difficult to be away from the motherland/family/oba-san circles than say someone who's been living away from home since the age of 18.

If she's really gunning for a CPA, there are A LOT of opportunities for J/E bi-lingual CPA's in the US. Is this an option? If you are really open to moving back to Japan in 18 months and staying there for good, this pretty much means that you're willing to move back now... 18 months vs. now doesn't seem like that big of a window to build up a career before moving back, so why not make the move now? I bet that's what she's thinking, eh?

Even if you move back to Japan, you'd be saying the exact same thing she's saying now, so it just goes around and around...

Sit down with her and discuss that if you move back now, it will mean that she'd be pretty much required to work and work hard since you'd be struggling to find work. Although this may be a big hit to a man's pride level, what choice do you really have?

I hope you can work things out, but it sounds to me like you're like most of us in the sense that we've always got to keep the ol' lady happy, if it means no more nagging, screaming (in a bad way), or objects being thrown.

[Mulboyne]

Your wife will have done the calculation about her age and employment opportunities before she agreed to join you in America so something else has changed her mind or else - sorry to bring it up as a possibility - she wasn't committed to the original plan anyway.

Many people feel like a fish out of water in a new country. It can affect Japanese women a lot more because they tend to have an extensive support network of family and friends in Japan which no amount of email and telephone contact can really duplicate. Having some work which can get them out of the house and interacting with other people is one way to cope with that difficulty. If you believe that it is her unease in the US rather than her future career which is the real problem - how long has she spent living in the country? - then you might want to focus on ways to make her life easier while appealing to her sense of "gaman".

Apologies again if this is too personal but are you considering having children? If you wife wants to put in some working years from now to get a career under way then maybe this is a choice you've both already made. However,if you are thinking of having them then a couple of years in the US would seem like a decent window of opportunity but perhaps she has become uneasy about the prospect of having children in the US.

The way you describe your situation, your wife agreed to make some sacrifices and now wants you to make them instead. It may not work out that way because you could both find work easily in Japan and it will turn out to be a great choice. From your current standpoint, though, you clearly feel that you would benefit from spending more time getting established.

There's no reason why you shouldn't be the one making the sacrifices - in many relationships it is the woman who is expected to make them by default and they often go unacknowledged - but if you do decide to make them then you ought to be clear about what kind of effort your wife is prepared to put in to make the marriage work. I'm not suggesting that you make her stick with the original plan to somehow "show her who's boss" but there are many difficult moments in any marriage which call for compromise from both sides and she's decided that she doesn't want to do that in this case. She may be right and it may yet prove to be good for both of you but I'd want to understand more about her change of heart.

[AssKissinger]

The past is the past but going through all the expense and hassle to get her visa just for 18 months or whatever already sounds a little nuts. Maybe it wasn't as bad for you but for us the process cost thousands and took so much Goddamn effort I don't even like to think about it. But now she's got her visa but doesn't want to even use it, huh? And now you feel compelled to make this decision in a couple weeks or so... yall need some better planning and life strategy skills. On top of that, do you know how many ultra-talented people there with expensive cameras in their hands in Japan? I know this is negative but you might as well look into snow removal services there in Miami. And another thing, it's so fucking hard to learn Japanese in your thirties. Someone here might chirp in and say, 'I did it!' but I never met anyone who became a fluent speaker that late in the game. That being said, bringing your wife to the states is a big responsibilty. Two words: Health Insurance. Can you keep her safe? It sounds to me like she has far more employable skills. If she can land a decent job in Tokyo, I say thank your stars and jump on it. Especially if that's where you've agreed to end up eventually anyway. Waiting two years and then trying to start over again in Tokyo is going to be financially crushing. I don't see any point in that. My bet is that you're going to end up teaching English though, and man, that boat has sunk! Whatever you do, save money in your own name.

[Charles]

...Many people feel like a fish out of water in a new country. It can affect Japanese women a lot more because they tend to have an extensive support network of family and friends in Japan which no amount of email and telephone contact can really duplicate...

Of the JE couples living in the US that I know personally, the marriages that lasted tended to be the ones where the J Wife had other local J woman friends as a social circle and support group. But this can be impossible if you're not living in an area with a concentration of nihonjin like LA, Seattle, etc.

[Doohickie]

I have a few thoughts, but let me preface them by saying that I have never been to Japan nor do I really know anything about Japanese culture.

I was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, and my wife was born and raised near Albany, NY. While they are a mere 300 miles apart, there is a pretty large cultural rift, with Albany being more like New York City or New England, and Buffalo is like the Mid-West (Detroit, Chicago, etc.) I won't go into the differences much but there are differences (although not anywhere remotely near what you and your wife are experiencing).

Anyway, when we first got married, I got a job in Los Angeles. Compared to what we were both used it, it was completely different. Neither of us liked it much. However, the three years we spent in L.A., with no one but each other to lean on, really made the marriage (and we've been married 23 years now).

So from that perspective, I would advise staying together, no matter where that ends up being. This early in your marriage I think it is important to do so.

The other major consideration is that, in a marriage, I think it works best if both parties sacrifice for the good of the other. So from your standpoint you should do what makes your wife happy. I would hope there is a desire on her part to do the same for you. With that in mind, perhaps the two of you can sit down and (as objectively as possible) map out your options and the pros and cons of each. I see at least three options: Stay in the U.S.; let her go back to Japan while you stay in the U.S.; and both of you going to Japan. Project forward 5 years, 10 years. Which option, do you think, will make the two of you happiest in your marriage after that time? Marriage is a longterm proposition and you really need to take the long view.

The time period you are talking about, 18 months, seems like a very long time. I think that early in a marriage, it certainly is. However, over the span of a lifetime, that is not really all that long and it will pass much more quickly than you realize. The thing to consider is, if you stay in the U.S. (either alone or with your wife), do you think the marriage will be healthy at the end of that time? What if you return to Japan early with her? Do you think you, as a couple, will be happy after 18 months (or 5 or 10 years)?

Not knowing the details of your situation, I can't tell you. But if you and your wife sit down and honestly try to assess what is best not just for you or for her, but for the two of you as a couple, you will surely reach the right decision. It is not a decision either of you should make and impose on the other; it is a decision you should reach together.

I wish you well.

[AlbertSiegel]

[Bucky]

I can work in both English and Spanish

Have you thought about translating yourself, or are your Spanish skills good enough?

If your wife is a decent translator she can work anywhere as a freelancer. i purchase translation services from E<>J freelancers all over the world. With some effort she could develop a list of clients -- there are plenty of translation agencies looking for new translators.

You could translate Spanish in Tokyo for that matter. I have an J to E translator who lives in Mexico.

You could also put your photography portfolio on line and start selling photographs worldwide. We use a site called dreamstime.com. Folks post photos there for sale.

My philosophy has been to pick your fights. Ones that are not worth the grief I will give in to. For the ones that I feel I am right no matter what, i will stick to my guns.

Don't underestimate the size of the Japanese community in Florida. According to the Miami Japanese consulate website:

The number of Japanese nationals in Florida is rising. In 2006, over 7,000 Japanese were registered at the Consulate-General of Japan in Miami but the actual number is believed to be as high as 10,000. According to the 2000 Census, there are 18,000 people of Japanese descent living in Florida.

many may be up in Orlando, but I gotta think there are opportunities in Miami for a Japanese speaking CPA.

Good luck

[ttjereth]

Just a couple of more thoughts:

1. A lot of people seem to be saying Albert's wife should be able to find work as a CPA in the states as well, but are the qualifications the same? I know there are many seemingly compatible jobs where the qualifications/certification required for the U.S. and Japan can be completely different (I have no clue about CPAs mind you, but I'm betting at least a few of the people suggesting she work in the U.S. don't have a clue either ).

Also language, she was a translator, but I know quite a few Japanese translators who translate between English and Japanese and actually have pretty poor English speaking/conversational skills. This would obviously be another huge factor in whether his wife can work in the states.

2. I don't want to be too negative and I think it's great you have a set goal for yourself and wish you all of the best, but the reality is that for work in Japan, you don't have much to offer over any other photographer/photojournalist here, and less to offer than most because of your language skills. Work at it and try to achieve what you want, but you should definitely have some other fall-back options just in case you can't find work here, at the very least I imagine it will take time to establish stable work anyway, and as has been pointed out English teaching isn't much of a safety net anymore (and is liable to drive you insane ).

Looking for work from the states while living in Japan presents a whole mess of other difficulties. Obviously there is still a heap of competition. You've pointed out that there is competition everywhere, but you aren't generally at such a disadvantage (lack of language skills, lack of contacts, etc.).

I'm actually in the exact opposite boat. I work as a freelance translator and out of my 20 or so regular clients/companies, 2 would continue to offer me work if I moved back to the U.S. I have no real problem staying in Japan (except the lack of cheesesteaks), but my Japanese wife is the one who actually wants to move to the U.S. (or just somewhere else besides Japan).
There are all kinds of pain in the ass hurdles that have to be overcome to work for someplace on the other side of the planet.

1. Obviously the 14 hour time difference and ridiculous telephone charges make speedy and economical communication difficult (e-mail is great, but it doesn't fulfill every need).
2. Payment for services becomes much more complicated and expensive for at least one of the parties involved (somone is going to end up paying transfer fees/exchange fees). Taxes and taxation can also be a pain in the ass, and for those of us from the U.S. earning from the U.S. while living in Japan can easily end up meaning paying taxes in both countries...
3. I'm not sure about this, but delivery of product also becomes a problem does it not? Is digital delivery a real option for most of the clients your would be working with or would you need to get hard copies delivered, which is going to take considerably more time.

The list goes on, but there is a lot to consider, and having all the hope and confidence in the world doesn't mean squat if you aren't prepared for the realities of your new situation.

If the wife is happy supporting you, and you don't mind cooking, doing the dishes and preparing the bath for her, then not so much of a problem, but (and obviously I can't speak specifically about your wife here) couples where the woman is the main breadwinner are still fairly rare here and you had better make sure that your wife would really be okay with that situation (even if only temporarily). She might think she is okay with it at first, but resentment can build up pretty quickly.

[Adhesive]

Just a couple of more thoughts:

1. A lot of people seem to be saying Albert's wife should be able to find work as a CPA in the states as well, but are the qualifications the same? I know there are many seemingly compatible jobs where the qualifications/certification required for the U.S. and Japan can be completely different (I have no clue about CPAs mind you, but I'm betting at least a few of the people suggesting she work in the U.S. don't have a clue either ]

Good point, I just assumed she was getting certified in the U.S., since that is where they're currently living...

She is a translator, but has been working on getting her CPA certification.

[kamome]

If she is a US-qualified CPA, I'm sure she could get paid better money in the US and her age wouldn't matter.

A couple of people asked if the older women in my old office started work later in life or if they got their jobs while young and single. Unfortunately, I don't recall what their situation was. If she knows anyone working as a kaikeishi in Japan, she should ask them for an opinion on her job prospects.

[AlbertSiegel]

Thought I would give you guys an update...

She (my wife) has decided to come to Miami and try to make it work here. We will both stay here for perhaps a year and then start to look at the idea of moving to Japan.

Thank you all for all the advice. Best wishes,

-albert

[AssKissinger]

Goddamnit

I said for you to go to Japan

MOTHERFUCK*R

[ttjereth]

Thought I would give you guys an update...

She (my wife) has decided to come to Miami and try to make it work here. We will both stay here for perhaps a year and then start to look at the idea of moving to Japan.

Thank you all for all the advice. Best wishes,

-albert

Good luck! Stockpile some Japanese food and hide somewhere so you can break it out if she starts to get homesick

[baka tono]

If you think you have problems now read this, and talk about these things with her.
http://www.crnjapan.com/prevention/en/protectselfbeforemarriage.html

[Ptyx]

You took the right decision. Working as a freelance photographer is hard anywhere in the world as you said. If you're having some successes at the start of your career you should not jeopardize that.

[amdg]

Good luck Albert, remember that your relationship with your wife is more important than where you live.

[TFG]

something else to consider & i don't think anyone else has yet mentioned this but, there are an awful lot of photographers here in Japan and not many manage to make a living. I know this as I have a Japanese friend who is a very successful photographer who basically made it because his father was a rather famous Japanese artist. Without such connections, it seems it is hard to cut yourself a niche.

Good luck with your decision.

[Baka Chan]

Since, I couldn't figure out why the wife doesn't like it in the states if she wasn't even here yet... This was a real confusing question and post. I wish the best for you. Still an interesting lunchtime read though.

There are lots of obstacles to begin with in a cross-cultural marriage. Financial stress or physical separation (and heaven forbid, both at the same time) will work against your chances of success. I hate to sound unromantic, but practical issues like these are very important, and especially so in the early years of a marriage.

Go where you will jointly earn the most money over the next few years. Do not live separately.

If that means Japan, then move to Japan. Fast. If your wife is bringing home the bigger paycheck at first, then split your time between Japanese study and career development. This is the age of the Internet, and I have a hunch you can develop a photojournalism areer that is tied both to Japan and the U.S. even if you're physically in Japan.

Great advice- I agree with you