life in shreds

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[GuyJean]

Whoa, dude. That sucks... But try to stay calm and think things through a little bit..

my wife fucked, and had feelings for a divorced man in england, she even went right up north to meet him, and if im right , this is when she was supposed to have gone to chester..

Was this before, or while you were married? During the wooing stage?.. Could be an attempt to hold on to something that is entirely hers, before you came along.. If it was during your marriage, I'd be askin' some questions.

she still chats to him on the net, i know she has several male chat friends, but never thought anything of it

Again, I think this depends on when she went to see him..

The note could just be a momento]but she has a month of revision and exams in tokyo so dont want to screw that up for her... that is if she really is in tokyo[/quote]
I can check up on her, if you'd like. (sorry, I had to) Or tell her to attend the Login Party tomorrow night, and we'll all see what she's up to.

My advice; don't seek revenge until revenge is necessary.. But then, if revenge is due, I'm sure she has some horny friends in Sapporo curious about Gaijin cock curvature..

Whatever your decision, keep a positive mind.

GJ

[cstaylor]

Could your wife's beau be making a trip to Tokyo in the next week or so?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[tiger tanaka]

Heavy stuff. but I always advise having a cooling off period, since we tend to do stuff we regret later when we are in a blind rage. Maybe leave for a bit, take a trip. Sure, use the money, why not, but come back and deal with it face to face.

If it was a drunken unplanned fling, that is one thing, but if she actually made premeditated plans to see this guy... hmmm... I think the HMS Matrimony has hit an iceberg.

I have a nice country place in thailand if you want to hide out for awhile.

And my advice to people is be careful with those goddamn chat lines. I see people meeting people on those things, and all kinds of temptation develops.

trust in a relationship... the cornerstone that you don't know if it will hold up in the long run. Why do we do these things to each other, is it boredom or what?

If you do bolt, perhaps a "layover" in BKK, go on a raging party of quality booze, good hotel rooms, fine food, and disco chicks.. a real blowout. On her money.

Best Wishes
tiger

[Naniwan Kid]

Wow...that is just shocking!

I am a fairly new poster here but Kotatsuneko, you have seemed like a pretty straight up guy (besides the moniker and avatar)...

I am just really happy you don't have kids as that would have to change affect your decision and make it much harder.

To be honest, if my wife did the same thing it would be hard for me to sleep in the same bed with her again. The fact that she kept the note, and didn't toss it or hide it before she left on her trip makes me wonder if she didn't want you to find it. I am also in my 4th year of marriage, but there is a whole world out there...and life does go on.

You need to get out tonight, and not spend the evening alone. If you drink, get drunk. Call up a close friend and take them out and ask their advice, and if it makes sense, take it.

I don't know you well enough to say "Stay" or "Go" but you are in a unique situation where at least you don't have to face her until after you have had time to think about it.

By the way are you 100% sure this is what happened?

[kotatsuneko]

edit: content deleted, it served its purpose, cheers for your opinions on it.

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[Naniwan Kid]

Well that definately tells us that bad things happened....

I wonder why she would keep a note that SHE wrote.... I mistakenly assumed it was a letter from him.

Well, don't stoop to revenge or "an eye for an eye" just yet. Stay on the moral high ground!

You have our support!

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[Naniwan Kid]

A 120 yen Hanshin Tigers Mister Donut would do the trick, but you probably don't have those up there.

Keep us updated and take care!

[Caustic Saint]

If it was a drunken unplanned fling, that is one thing, but if she actually made premeditated plans to see this guy... hmmm... I think the HMS Matrimony has hit an iceberg.

No, NO, NONONONONO!!!

There is no such thing as "one thing led to another." A spouse/partner/bf/gf is a cheater or they aren't. There are NO gray areas.

Kots, I feel for you, dude. Finding that letter must've been like getting kicked in the teeth, heart, guts and nuts all at once. You owe her nothing. My advice is to pack up and head back home while she's still in Tokyo. Take ALL that UK cash. In the words of Marla Singer (Fight Club), "You're not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax."

Take the letter too, or at least make a copy of it. Better yet, keep the original (for use in your divorce proceedings back in the UK) and leave her a copy with a simple note to the effect of "this is why you've come home to an empty house."

Chin up, dude. It'll get better - especially if you take that trip to Holland and meet up with your net-pals.

[Andocrates]

Well, I cheated on my wife. And as those things go you do it once and it's easier the second and third times. What it took for me was the light of exposure - to see myself for what I really was, someone who cheated on my marraige covenent. To see myself as a selfish bastard.

Well, we worked it out and it made our marraige stronger and today I would never cheat, it's just been beat out of me. As a result of those painful experiences I will offer you advice.

1.) You need a third party voice of morality, be it a Christian Rev. or a buddist preist, or even a consoler.
2.) She needs to come clean, and when she does she will likely tell you some more crap you didn't want to know - but it's at that point she is breaking. However, not everyone (you) has this capacity to forgive - and if you don't you should bail.
3.) Seek to understand the reason why she did such a thing. Not an excuse, but an underlying reason - some chink in her emotional upbringing.
4.) Have you cheated on her? If so, you reeped what you sow. If not how close did you get, what would it take for you to cheat.
5.) Women cheat for one reason, they need the emotional support and love from another man. You need to figure out where YOU went wrong why she needed another man. Women just normally don't cheat for sex.

I wish you the best guy, and it must be difficult handling this alone. You cannot wait a month, you will explode you should contact her and talk.

[Taro Toporific]

No, NO, NONONONONO!!! There is no such thing as "one thing led to another." .... There are NO gray areas.

Sa ..., you're in Japan and your wife is Japanese: EVERYHING IS SITUATIONAL; that is, no meaning that comes from outside ourselves is real. Bite the Buddha. Either you can live with it or you can't (hint you have been living with it already).

[jim katta]

Leave her. Do not get counseling, do not see a minister or priest. Just leave. If she cheated once, she'll cheat again. Period. Take the money and leave immediately, it "is" asshole tax. MAKE SURE you get a copy of that note for your legal records. Yes, this is now a legal matter, don't forget that. I "am" curious about one detail that someone else asked about but it hasn't been answered: why did she have a note that "she" was supposed to have sent? was this a copy, is this a print-out of an email?

I think, and this is from my personal experience, that many japanese women look at infidelity as common practice in a marriage (for the man "and" the woman). So this probably isn't that big a deal to her or eating her up inside. Also, the fact that she was a hostess is a huge red flag. To those reading this (newbies, not vets who already know), always find out if a girl you're dating has done something like this in the past. I find that often it is an indication of their character. I've had a couple of japanese girls I was considering getting serious about but after digging into their stories and getting around their evasiveness I found out that they used to be hostesses. Dropped them like a bad habit.

My main question is: why do you think you have to suddenly leave japan? Hell, if you've got some money, rent yourself a room at a gaijin guesthouse and live it up for a couple of months as you figure out what your next move is. After that, you may decide that you want to stay in japan on your own for a while.

[American Oyaji]

Kotatsu,

It sucks. As a man who has had a wayward wife, I feel your pain. I really do. Just go about your life in Japan until she gets back.

Whatever happens, make sure that YOU do the right thing.
The day she gets back leave a COPY of the letter on the table where she can see it.

Put a sticky on it asking her, "Why?". Don't go into a rage, make sure you have your emotions under TIGHT and COMPLETE control. I'm talkin go completely cold. Don't be mean, but don't accept any BS either.
Hash it out right then when she comes home. There are arereasons for this.

When she comes home, she will be tired and throwing this issue on the table when she comes in will blindside her and she will be more likely to be truthful. She will be in a certain mindset and expecting a certain atmosphere in the house, but it will be different.

Kotatsu, clean the house from top to bottom inside and out. SEARCH for more and more evidence. Print out emails.

When she comes home, make sure the house is cleaner than a military barracks. That way she won't try to go and clean something as a distraction. She will HAVE to concentrate at the issue at hand.

Then LISTEN. Listen to what she says, as well as what she doesn't say.

Do NOT repeat, DO NOT tell her parents about this unless you decide on divorce. You two made a decision to get married together, now you must decide to divorce together.

Perhaps she WANTED you to find the letter....
Wait a minute....I just thought of something, was this a letter from HER to HIM? That doesn't make any sense, why keep a letter from herself to some other man. That sounds a bit fishy.

I just had an idea. Maybe this is a setup. When was the last time you looked in the spot where you found the letter? Maybe she wanted you to find the letter while she was gone? I'm not sure. Maybe she wrote a letter about what she WOULD have wrote if she had gone through the affair, just to see what it would look like from an outside perspective (in women's magazines, they do dumb shite like this).

So the important thing is before you do ANYTHING. TALK to your wife. And be prepared to separate the nuggets of truth out of the BS that inevitably WILL come out of her mouth.

[GargoyleTS]

I agree that you shouldn't run off. The waiting will be difficult, but I think AO has the right of it. I would follow his advice, but first:

Did she allude to sexual encounters in any of her e-mails? Basically, did she write a version of this letter and send it via e-mail?

It does sound like this may be a set-up. But one has to ask , why? Does she want to see if you love her (feeling unloved)? Does she want you to know she has been unfaithful (feeling guilty)? My advice is to sniff around it for inconsistencies to see if it is BS or real. Either way, confront her as AO said. Don't just throw away 4 years of your life. You'll regret it forever.

[ramchop]

... I want to say something but I really don't know what.


All the posters seem to be coming at this from a "what would I do?" perspective. If it was me I'd probably go into denial pretty bloody quickly. Even imagining being in that situation makes me sick to my stomach.

The only poster who has voiced a "what did I do?" opinion was Androcates, and he was the guilty party. It got sorted and he's now sounds happy and committed. I'd listen carefully to his views.


The letter wasn't sent. This could suggest many things. And you'll do well to not go crazy pondering all the possibilities.

Hang in there.

[kotatsuneko]

edit: content deleted, it served its purpose, cheers for your opinions on it.

[kotatsuneko]

edit.

[kotatsuneko]

edit: content deleted, it served its purpose, cheers for your opinions on it.

[sideways_gaijin]

I live near there. Want me to deliver a message to him?

From what I've read so far it appears that she is a user mate! She asked him to send her a webcam? If she has all this money why didn't she buy one herself in Japan? Probably 1/2 price. Anyway....that's not important.

I agree with what you say about her fucking him would have been better than all the shit she said to him. To me a drunken fuck could be forgivable. But she appears to want to love him. He may not be to blame though mate. Did he know she was married? He mentioned in one of the chat logs "you can't expect to come to england and we'll get married and be happy ever after" or something along those lines. I get the feeling that she's been lying to him as much as she's been lying to you.

When she said on the phone "i didn't sleep"....that sorta indicates that she doesn't seem to understand that she's already done the worst part of an affair....the cheating aspect. Fucking aside, she's basically opened her heart to him without any thought of you. I think if she was being honest to the guy, then they would have discussed you a lot, and her moral dilemma of leaving you for him. That never came into the conversation.

Personally I think she's a lier, cheater, and a user. Really I think you should leave her. but don't leave Japan just coz of her! Think positive and don't let this eat you up.

Right then....want me to go an deliver a 9mm suprise in Leytonstone?

James

[kotatsuneko]

edit: content deleted, it served its purpose, cheers for your opinions on it.

[kotatsuneko]

that 4 grand is burning a hole in my bag..

edited, this post was just too angry..

[American Oyaji]

Kotatsu, it looks to me, that they DIDN'T sleep together. And when I say sleep, I mean that they didn't have sex.
It seems he was trying to get her to get into some kinky stuff and she didn't go with it.
It also seems to me that her marriage to YOU is what kept her from actually doing the deed.

Remember this. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Chatting on the comp, its easy to talk sweet nothings.

The fact that she said for you to check her chat logs makes me think that she KNEW there was no evidence of sexual impropriety.

She mentioned that she was lonely. You need to address that with your wife and ask her why and when she was lonely.

As for that faggoty freak. Don't even sweat him. Cuz you know what? He made his play and failed. She didn't do the deed and he is gonna die of AIDS. He sounds like someone on the fringe of the sexual freak culture. And that is a dangerous place to be.

PM me if you got any Qs

[kotatsuneko]

edit: content deleted, it served its purpose, cheers for your opinions on it.

[Gaisaradatsuraku!]

There is no accounting for taste Kotatsu. Well, something is up with the little lady and if I were you I would find out and then bide my sweet time. I would then take all her cash, valuables and put her in debt in possible. Then just leave. Do all this is a legal way, however, which should be possible since you are married. Make sure your visa situation is straight though.

Long story short, if she hasn't wandered yet she probably will and I do not agree with Ameji on this one. Any woman who starts with this you don't understand me, comfort me, blah blah blah is a total tosser and not suited for the long, hard road of marriage.

Good look to you (yes this is coming from me Gaisaradatsuraku).

[Gaisaradatsuraku!]

Just one more piece of advice Kotatsu, maintain composure. That is the most important thing. Be cool and think long term. If she has money socked away find away to get it. If she wants kids tell her you need the money for some UK fertility treatment or something and waltz.

Good luck.

[SeVen]

That is so so sad. I don't think I could behave rational. Yes I would definitly be rotting in jail. I take my hat off to you. It takes a strong person to do what your doing. Maybe there is still a future for you two. If her parents are anything like my wife's, they will be furious at her.

[Naniwan Kid]

That's the thing, at least now you can maintain the moral highground. It saddens me to hear that most of your connections are through her, but try not to talk shit about her to her friends and family just yet.

The fact that she told you to read those logs tells me that she has a different understanding of the meaning of the word "marriage" than you do. If I had written that shit I would be thinking "Geez, I sure hope he doesn't read my chat logs".

Those remind me a LOT of a friend of mine who was married to his highschool sweetheart. They were married for about 2 years after graduating from college. Then suddenly she dumped him like a bad habit. Why? She met someone else. She saw marriage as more like "serious dating". Once that other dud found out she was getting divorced over him (she never wore her wedding ring....) he dumped her too...

Who knows what she is "looking for" but what your wife isn't doing is the things a wife should do to maintain her most important relationship. If she wants more romance, she should read romance novels, not maintain emotinal liasons with other men....