Top 10 Things I Learned in Japan

[yanpa]

Some take this piss out of Coligny, but the above is an example of the jumble the poor bastard has as a native tongue. Considering that, I admire the hell out of the bloke for his tremendous command of English (actually, as a <cunning>linguist, I honestly sit and read some of the filthy Frenchie's posts in sheer, utter awe at his ability to manipulate English. I sincerely dip my lid to him).

Indeed. Despite 9 years of the language at school and multiple trips to La Grande Nation all I can come up with is something which will probably end up with me being summarily guillotined by the Academie Francaise (add funny bit under the c if appropriate) for crimes against the language.

Now, German on the other hand, piece of cake. Hell, even Japanese makes more sense.

[Screwed-down Hairdo]

Indeed. Despite 9 years of the language at school and multiple trips to La Grande Nation all I can come up with is something which will probably end up with me being summarily guillotined by the Academie Francaise (add funny bit under the c if appropriate) for crimes against the language.

Now, German on the other hand, piece of cake. Hell, even Japanese makes more sense.

You have my sympathy. I'm Catholic and old enough to have had Latin shoved down my throat in my childhood (thank God that was all they shoved down my throat in light of what's happened in the Church over the ensuing decades), but it was enough to turn me off the Romance languages for life.
German has too many compounds for my tiny brain to handle...Apart from Nazi slogans, the only German I know is "cum on my face" and "two beers, please."
Learning European languages isn't helped by just about every European being able to speak English better than I can (especially the Dutch).

[Coligny]

Some take this piss out of Coligny, but the above is an example of the jumble the poor bastard has as a native tongue. Considering that, I admire the hell out of the bloke for his tremendous command of English (actually, as a <cunning>linguist, I honestly sit and read some of the filthy Frenchie's posts in sheer, utter awe at his ability to manipulate English. I sincerely dip my lid to him).


* Coligny, my favorite form of repayment for flattery like this is arranging for your Julie to take on an assistant whenever she needs to do her ob/gyn examinations....

Are youze hitting on mee ?

(i'ma put on lipstick and go commando under mah seikushiestest jimbe...)

[American Oyaji]

Hello - earth to AO. He is the ultimate Aussie.

He reminds us more often than you remind us about how much you like hairy babes and how big your dick is.

Damn GG! I was joking!

Guilty on the hairy babes, but other people talk about my johnson more than I do.

[wuchan]

1: if you go to court, you ARE guilty.
2: If you act like a POW while the police are holding you, they will release you
3: there are indeed four flavors of salt
4: week long national vacations are a very bad idea
5: one can get more done by grunting and pointing than speaking japanese
6: If you run out of cash the trains are free
7: 151 is hard to find because the locals can't handle it
8: white men actually gain weight in japan
9: shochu causes the worst hangovers
10: kei trucks are fun

[matsuki]

OK....my turn!

1.) Everything sweet comes in choko, banirra, stwaaaberri, maccha, custard, azuki and goma. (and sakura when in season)
2.) Ganbatteru is never questioned. I could not do a thing all day at my 9-5 but as long as I say that magic phrase, everyone is happy and I still get paid.
3.) Laws/rules are only valid to Japanese when convenient and when broken, there is usually no penalty.
4.) There are only two types of people in Japan, Japanese and Gaijin. Any protest of this "fact" and you're too stuck on the details
5.) Japan was made for the Japanese (men). For example, men can't go jogging shirtless (what guy wants to see that?) Yet one can walk around in public with a jar of sake and the latest porno mag without anyone batting an eye. I won't even bring up the record setting speed of Viagra approval.
6.) Blood/DNA is the cause of everything good and bad about a person. Their blood type is an easy indicator of "who" they are. It's Japaneeeze Shaiensu!!
7.) Business trips never leave you lonely or unsatisfied.
8.) Even ambulance drivers "ganbaru." They look/sound impressive but roll by slower than those advertising trucks in Shinjuku.
9.) Politicians have a "right" to blast their "political messages" into your home at any time of the day or night.
10.) There are more 18yo's everyday...

[Screwed-down Hairdo]

1.) Everything sweet comes in choko, banirra, stwaaaberri, maccha, custard, azuki and goma. (and sakura when in season)

Personally, I think you should also add that these are all obligatory sandwich fillings (as well as melon and kiwifruit)

[matsuki]

Personally, I think you should also add that these are all obligatory sandwich fillings (as well as melon and kiwifruit)

Damn! I forgot melon! How could I forget melon!

[Yokohammer]

Damn! I forgot melon! How could I forget melon!

You're obviously lacking "wa".

[matsuki]

You're obviously lacking "wa".

The plethora of flavors is obviously too much for a barbarian like me to comprehend.

[Screwed-down Hairdo]

Damn! I forgot melon! How could I forget melon!

When one lives in this cuntry, one grows accustomed to the idea of absent melons (and ass when not suffixed with "holes.")

[American Oyaji]

1. Muzukashii means no.
2. Japanese girls really do squeak during sex.
3. Yakuza are just like anybody else.
4. Japanese are always surprised you can use chopsticks.
5. "Japanese Only" signs are usually just a suggestion.
6. The best Japanese food is always homemade.
7. Food at a Japanese greasy spoon is GREAT unless owned by Chinese.
8. Japanese condoms are too small.
9. Japanese schoolgirls sound like a pack of chattering monkeys when you want peace and quiet.
10. can't wait to go back.

[matsuki]

When one lives in this cuntry, one grows accustomed to the idea of absent melons (and ass when not suffixed with "holes.")

Flavors lacking melons but the melons here certainly do have a lot of individual excess padding.

[Dreamy_Peach]

1. It is great to be white
2. It is great to be from a developed country
3. Tokyo is big, but it is boring
4. Conversations are formulaic, but the formula can be broken
5. Japanese people have no spatial awareness
6. Crowds drive me nuts and I will do or pay anything to avoid them
7. Greenery is an important quality of life indicator
8. Japanese houses are shit, and I would spec my own if I ever bought one
9. Japanese food is on the whole pretty healthy, and Japan lacks the hideous obesity and concomitant laziness that goes with it in western countries
10. The people are in a funk, and nothing but alcohol breaks them out of it.

and finally,

10a. I want to leave, but on the other hand where do I go next ...

[GomiGirl]

5. Japanese people have no spatial awareness

RIGHT!! WTF is up with that. Frigging browns cows all over the footpaths. Tis hell when riding a mama-chari with spawn on the back.

What about getting off an escalator and then stopping....

[Iraira]

I found that if I'm not paying attention to what is being said, it all sounds like crickets chirping. Thus, on days when I just want to be alone and veg, I can go to a cafe, get a coffee, sit and smoke, be around a mad scene of people, and really space out, without really having someone else's (sometimes inane) conversation pollute my ears, unless I want it to. Can't do this back in LA.
Plus, I can leave all my crap on the table when I go and take a crap, and it's still there when I return (the crap I want to be there, not the crap I flushed...gotta be specific around youse guys/gals). Can't do this back in LA.

So I learned to be Siddartha,and find inner peace, even though once I find it, I know it isn't really inner peace, or whatever..shit, that book couldn't been written on a flash card.

[IparryU]

RIGHT!! WTF is up with that. Frigging browns cows all over the footpaths. Tis hell when riding a mama-chari with spawn on the back.

What about getting off an escalator and then stopping....

Ohh... you'll enjoy this story...

Last weekend it was my Jr's 4th birthday, so we went to Hanamasa to get some treats for him. so we put on our rain coats and mosey on to the store... on the way back, we are huddling under an umbrella and something just didn't feel right...

I look behind me and 3 fucking 10 year olds on bikes were rolling up on us. I was right next to a building with my 2 year old between me and the wall... and the fuckin kid in front turns towards my son rather than AWAY FROM THE WALL INTO THE OPEN.

With cat like reflexes, I kick the front tire to push it up against the wall and put my weight into it so he doesn't plow through and hurt my son.

I turn and look at them and say, "What the fuck kid! Look where you are going you could have killed my son!"... than realized... they were hafu and actually understood what I said.

Wife got pissed at me and said I got to mad... I disagree cause those kids could have hurt my boy (not to mention my right leg...) and also themselves as they weren't wearing helmets and they were riding at faster than normal speed IN THE RAIN.

SO WHAT DID I LEARN FROM LIVING IN JAPAN?
1. Even if you are half Japanese or have an ounce of Japanese blood, you still have the ability to impress Darwin

2. Any J-driver (motor or non-motor driven vehicle) is completely clueless to their surroundings

3. It does not matter if you get hit by a bike or car... but what does matter is that it was not your fault and someone else's. (finger pointing syndrome)

4. No matter how much I am exposed to natto, I still hate it.

5. Letting your kids walk 4 meters in front or behind you in a crowded or potentially dangerous area is perfectly fine in Japan as nothing will hurt them and they could locate you should you lose them.

6. Despite me being a mix of two races, I am not a hafu as one of my parents are not Japanese... Thus, I am 100% FG.

7. Even though I was born on Tanabata... I AM IN NOW WAY WHATSOEVER ROMANTIC AND NEVER WILL BE.

8. YBF is the best and worst thing that you can get infected with

9a. You can start to feel concern when a member of an online community does not post for two weeks... to the point where you sent an email or two and ask other members who I have not met where the individual is.

9b. Online communities can turn you onto goats...

10. My wife can kick me in the head whilst I am sleeping, rip my suits and dress shirts, tell my kids very negative things about me, say "shine" to me over and over, spit in my face, apologize for doing so, have make up sex, then repeat the negativity... but I still have unconditional love for her cause she is the mother of my two sons. If it was someone else that did any of those things, I would have been in jail, the hospital, dead, or a mix of that.

[Iraira]

7. Even though I was born on Tanabata... I AM IN NOW WAY WHATSOEVER ROMANTIC AND NEVER WILL BE.

I was married on Tanabata....and divorced about 6 months later. Next marriage (yeah, right) will be on Devil's Night.

[Coligny]

the speech pattern suffice to drive me up the wall...

na na na na na naaaaaa

or

short short short short short long

for every sentence, with the matching nod...

(ok, mainly for 20-30 y/o gurlz... never heard mominlaw pulling these kind of bull...)

totally unbearable...

[yanpa]

What about getting off an escalator and then stopping....

It's a traditional art, along with the classical dance "coming to a sudden stop in front of the ticket gate at the station because it leapt out at you unexpectedly and you have to rummage for your ticket".

[yanpa]

8. YBF is the best and worst thing that you can get infected with

You've got me on that one... the Google suggests "Young, black and fabulous" or "Young Britons' Foundation", or a cosmetics brand. I'm sure any of them are worthy of being infected with, but I don't quite get the Japan angle. (Mind you I'm a blethering idiot who don't know shit...)

[CrankyBastard]

[yanpa]

[Coligny]

THERE IS A DEFINE BUTTON WHEN YOU SELECT JAPANESE WORDS ON THE IPAD !!!!

World changing discovery after 2 years of use...

am'an'idiut YAY!!!

[Dreamy_Peach]

[Dreamy_Peach]

Commuter special

10c. That for the most part it's not worth bothering to talk with Japanese men.
10d. That a suit does not necessarily make you look smart.
10e. That no-one exists in Tokyo except yourself - that is, it is fine to treat other people like they don't exist.
10f. That if there is a gap of around4.5 inches between you and the door when the train stops, someone will try to push in front of you.

[cstaylor]

Yes to all you wrote but especially these two.



My contributions:

20: Transportation and postal workers take pride in their jobs and don't strike on holidays or other maximum inconvenience days.
21: Tipping doesn't have to buy you any extra service.

Those are good ones too. If I ever move home, I will also miss:
22: Baths that fill themselves automatically
23: Toilets that reduce water and paper use

[Screwed-down Hairdo]

23: Toilets that reduce water and paper use

Something tells me that reducing paper use in the toilet isn't necessarily always such a good idea....

BTW, this reminded me of when I first arrived in Japan and it was really, really rare to find a toilet with paper. You either had to buy it of BYO. And public toilets were always filthy.

[American Oyaji]

Here's one.
11. Don't freak out if you find a woman in the mens' toilet / bath room; They're just cleaning.

[Yokohammer]

[quote="American Oyaji"]Here's one.
11. Don't freak out if you find a woman in the mens' toilet / bath room]
Not necessarily. If there's a line at the women's rest room it's quite common for the overflow to end up in the men's. A bit disconcerting when you're standing at the urinal and a gaggle of obachans are filing past behind you.