Washlet Urban Legends

[Wage Slave]

And if you think I am wasting money on crap like that ...

[Russell]

Nobody figured out that one can easily raise the seat by one's foot?

[kurogane]

SSssssssHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. THEY'RE LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a more analytic level, it is interesting to see the contradictions in current social discourse between wimminz rejecting broader social restrictions and mandates on their freedom to dispose of their bodies as they see fit (and You Go Girlz!), and the somewhat more female chauvinist and Uncle Nancy attempts to regulate males' rights to do the same. As a lapsed Foucaultian I reject the efforts of the conformist state apparati to discipline and punish me for my excretory choices and insist on exploiting the immanent lacunae emerging from the strategies of hegemonic closure of the forces of social oppression. But Dr. Seuss would have said it better. If we consider this as a gender based Green Eggs & Ham issue, it might go something like this:

You would say I must Squat to Pee?
Oh, NO! I say! Oh, NO! Not me!
For I am free, and you will see,
I raise the seat to comfort thee.
My aim is true, it's down the pipe,
And afterwards I give a swipe.
This is enough to clean the bugs,
and only fools have toilets with rugs.
Afterwards I am glad to replace
the rounded ivory posterior place.
Your comfort and peace I sincerely fancy,
so please don't make me an Uncle Nancy.

What about a purpose specific stick or something, like a grabby claw stick? As a rather good feminist of the Olde School variety, I must say, these female chauvinist germofucks are giving their species a bad name.

PS Lots of even rather athletic wimminz have truly shiite foot coordination and balance, and they do wear those stupid shoes a lot.

[Coligny]

Nobody figured out that one can easily raise the seat by one's foot?

Same for the flushing handle low behind the seat. I don't think you are supposed to touch them by hand...

[Russell]

Nobody figured out that one can easily raise the seat by one's foot?

Same for the flushing handle low behind the seat. I don't think you are supposed to touch them by hand...

Yep, that one too. Definitely for Asian-style toilets.

[Salty]

And if you think I am wasting money on crap like that ...

Good point - but in my case, I was repacing an old school natural slope (sans water variety) and adding a second bathroom, so needed to purchase something. The automated ones were no more costly than the old standard. So if you have a reason to replace, check em out.

[Wage Slave]

And if you think I am wasting money on crap like that ...

Good point - but in my case, I was replacing an old school natural slope (sans water variety) and adding a second bathroom, so needed to purchase something. The automated ones were no more costly than the old standard. So if you have a reason to replace, check em out.

I will. I assume you beat the bushes pretty hard. When the seat warmer burned out on the toilet we are using the price for a replacement started at about 80k and ended up at about 20k if we forwent the sprinkler functions and took a display seat which was very slightly a different colour to the pan. A generic heated replacement would have been about 8k but I didn't know that at the time. I'm also not completely sure the generic one would have fitted. According to the salesman nothing but the official product would fit because of the curved tank but I'm not so sure.

[Salty]

And if you think I am wasting money on crap like that ...

Good point - but in my case, I was replacing an old school natural slope (sans water variety) and adding a second bathroom, so needed to purchase something. The automated ones were no more costly than the old standard. So if you have a reason to replace, check em out.

I will. I assume you beat the bushes pretty hard. When the seat warmer burned out on the toilet we are using the price for a replacement started at about 80k and ended up at about 20k if we forwent the sprinkler functions and took a display seat which was very slightly a different colour to the pan. A generic heated replacement would have been about 8k but I didn't know that at the time. I'm also not completely sure the generic one would have fitted. According to the salesman nothing but the official product would fit because of the curved tank but I'm not so sure.

Yes - I was dealing with a supplier for tradesmen, and I took old models so they were close to wholesale. These were `whole units`, and not just the bolt-on seat contraptions. I also negotiated an extended warranty - by agreement to future date the sales date by a year, since I wouldn`t be installing for several months.

[Wage Slave]

And if you think I am wasting money on crap like that ...

Good point - but in my case, I was replacing an old school natural slope (sans water variety) and adding a second bathroom, so needed to purchase something. The automated ones were no more costly than the old standard. So if you have a reason to replace, check em out.

I will. I assume you beat the bushes pretty hard. When the seat warmer burned out on the toilet we are using the price for a replacement started at about 80k and ended up at about 20k if we forwent the sprinkler functions and took a display seat which was very slightly a different colour to the pan. A generic heated replacement would have been about 8k but I didn't know that at the time. I'm also not completely sure the generic one would have fitted. According to the salesman nothing but the official product would fit because of the curved tank but I'm not so sure.

Yes - I was dealing with a supplier for tradesmen, and I took old models so they were close to wholesale. These were `whole units`, and not just the bolt-on seat contraptions. I also negotiated an extended warranty - by agreement to future date the sales date by a year, since I wouldn`t be installing for several months.

Nice work. Any tips on how to find/get introduced to such suppliers?

[Salty]

And if you think I am wasting money on crap like that ...

Good point - but in my case, I was replacing an old school natural slope (sans water variety) and adding a second bathroom, so needed to purchase something. The automated ones were no more costly than the old standard. So if you have a reason to replace, check em out.

I will. I assume you beat the bushes pretty hard. When the seat warmer burned out on the toilet we are using the price for a replacement started at about 80k and ended up at about 20k if we forwent the sprinkler functions and took a display seat which was very slightly a different colour to the pan. A generic heated replacement would have been about 8k but I didn't know that at the time. I'm also not completely sure the generic one would have fitted. According to the salesman nothing but the official product would fit because of the curved tank but I'm not so sure.

Yes - I was dealing with a supplier for tradesmen, and I took old models so they were close to wholesale. These were `whole units`, and not just the bolt-on seat contraptions. I also negotiated an extended warranty - by agreement to future date the sales date by a year, since I wouldn`t be installing for several months.

Nice work. Any tips on how to find/get introduced to such suppliers?

I asked tradesmen where they purchased supplies - and stayed away from DIY stores, which some of them used. I also looked for recycle shops for housing supplies.

I used Proconvini....

http://www.proconveni.com/shop/tama/index.html

[Coligny]

FuckedGaijin, your one stop for all second hand shitters needs...

[Takechanpoo]

when you flush the toilet, a lot of invisible water spray containing shit and pee are scattered around toilet bowl and your legs.
so you HAVE TO close the seat down.

[Coligny]

when you flush the toilet, a lot of invisible water spray containing shit and pee are scattered around toilet bowl and your legs.
so you HAVE TO close the seat down.

And this guy spend so much time with his head pushed down the shitter by his schoolmates that he knows his shit...

[kurogane]

FuckedGaijin, your one stop for all second hand shitters needs...

Yeah, ferschur. Ya can really get the full poop on it here. Good to know there are ways and means to flush out the lower priced sources.

Thanks also to Take for that pearl of Ancient Eastern Wisdom. The Ministry of the Bleeding Obvious will publish its full report later this week, after the big Thansgiving Day push abates.

[Salty]

when you flush the toilet, a lot of invisible water spray containing shit and pee are scattered around toilet bowl and your legs.
so you HAVE TO close the seat down.

Peeing into the toilet bowl while standing does the same with the pee - it gets vaporized, aerosoled, and spread widely. Without a proper urinal, a man needs to sit to pee if he doesn`t want that.

The gender war on the seat position would be solved in a flash, if women would stop sitting when they pee if their man doesn`t.

[kurogane]

Well put, Salty. The sexism of women constantly astounds me.............

Another option:

[Coligny]

Mah sister don't need accessories, it's super easy,thust hip forward a bit, spread the top vulva around the clitoris with thumb and middle finger, use index to lift clitoris for aiming, after you just need a boy/girlfriend (into this kind of kink) to lick your fingers clean.

[Salty]

Mah sister don't need accessories, it's super easy,thust hip forward a bit, spread the top vulva around the clitoris with thumb and middle finger, use index to lift clitoris for aiming, after you just need a boy/girlfriend (into this kind of kink) to lick your fingers clean.

More than I needed to know, me thinks.....

[Coligny]

I knew i should have linked to her youpron channel instead...

[Salty]

Well, I suppose this settles it for me… I won`t be `going` there….

Japan’s all-female Takarazuka theater has enlightened 31.5:1 female to male bathroom stall ratio

http://en.rocketnews24.com/2015/10/13/j ... all-ratio/

[Russell]

Mah sister don't need accessories, it's super easy,thust hip forward a bit, spread the top vulva around the clitoris with thumb and middle finger, use index to lift clitoris for aiming, after you just need a boy/girlfriend (into this kind of kink) to lick your fingers clean.

That sounds like knowledge that is extremely useful for about 50% of the human population.

And pretty much useless for the rest...

[wagyl]

Mah sister don't need accessories, it's super easy,thust hip forward a bit, spread the top vulva around the clitoris with thumb and middle finger, use index to lift clitoris for aiming, after you just need a boy/girlfriend (into this kind of kink) to lick your fingers clean.

That sounds like knowledge that is extremely useful for about 50% of the human population.

And pretty much useless for the rest...

Unless I am misunderstanding something, I think you will find that it is much much less than 50% of the population which has a urethral exit through their clitoris.

Fun fact: spotted hyenas give birth through their clitoris.

[Russell]

Mah sister don't need accessories, it's super easy,thust hip forward a bit, spread the top vulva around the clitoris with thumb and middle finger, use index to lift clitoris for aiming, after you just need a boy/girlfriend (into this kind of kink) to lick your fingers clean.

That sounds like knowledge that is extremely useful for about 50% of the human population.

And pretty much useless for the rest...

Unless I am misunderstanding something, I think you will find that it is much much less than 50% of the population which has a urethral exit through their clitoris.

Fun fact: spotted hyenas give birth through their clitoris.

He only says that his sister controls the direction of her urinal stream by her clitoris, as if it were a joy stick. This does not necessarily mean that he claims that the urethral exit is through the clitoris.

Though with Coligny you never know...

[Thanatos' embalmed botfly]

wrote this shit a few months ago...

The Bidet.

After 25 years sequestered away here on the Upper 666th Pitcairns parallel I finally mustered the courage to engage with the array of buttons on the space age Japanese shitter. Had long thought fuck no, all these buttons are in Japanese, dumbarse me will just push the wrong fucken button and instantly transform the bog cubicle into an uncontrollable raging geyser of shit spew, funneling all up the walls and all over my own hands and face and eyelids.

Turns out there's only 3 buttons. The "Bidet" button is actually for chicks. If I'd ever paid attention I wouldve fucken seen the button is PINK and is actually a picture of a chicks arse. Moran. Some sort of gash flush I'd imagine.

Next button is a mild-strength thin spout of water shooting right up the clacker. Woah. I braced myself expecting the worst and still maintain that brace expecting the worst.

Last button is the full monty. The pneumatic arse-clag remover. A power jet of sumptious intent. Straight and hard. OK, it wasn't that powerful. But still vaguely terrifying. I still tense myself expecting this Apollo 13 of colonic import to go 1986 Challenger on my arse. Maybe my rigourous WASP heritage precludes me from enoying the deliciously dizzying sensation of jet streams of warm water providing a full colonic enema right up the clacka after every dump.

PRO-TIP: you got to pluck your junk up so it aint dangling down when ol' faithful lets loose. I guess you should cover the bog bowl with your big fat arse too, to seal off all exits, but ffs even if you don't I don't think towers of water are going to shoot out of the bog bowl at random angles, showering the walls with souvenir strains of fecal matter. This would be a noticeable design flaw.

Now feel a bit dumb and unsophisticated and coarse for having persisted with toilet paper since I graduated from diapery in the 1920's. Gross. Clawing around the anus fissure with scraps of paper, getting it all over your hands, even having to visibly witness the revolting aftershart refuse of your decaying meat machine. Ugh. What was I thinking.

Turns out the Butthole Surfers were right all along. There really is a Brown Reason To Live.



It's taken me this long to realise the entire concept of the record was an ode to the bidet. Even their goddamn band name.

Thank you, Butthole Surfers.

[Thanatos' embalmed botfly]

then last week...

**Crucial Bidet Update**

I think I broke the fucken thing.

With my arse.

"Yeah, loose washer, we'll have to replace the whole thing. That'll be $1,000 bucks thanks, you fucken shit maniac."

FFS.

I hate the new bidet. And I think it hates me. It's so hi-tech that when you open the bog door the little wanker automatically starts making an evil snake-like hissing noise as it delicately sprays water in the bowl in readiness for my hideous depth charges. Also, a little light automatically comes on in the bowl undercarriage. Like the lights a pimpmobile has under the skirting.

The abrupt hissing, in tandem with the vaguely satanic glow of the pimpmobile lights, scare me. Especially in the pitch-black of night when I'm half asleep and still half-dreaming. I actually consider it pretty fucken rude to get abruptly jarred out of my drowsy reverie by my own suddenly hissing, glowing, hateful dunny. "I paid $1,000 for you, you insensitive fucken shitface. Learn to read the air. I offered you a kind, warm loving home environment and this is how you repay my kindness? It's 3 o'clock in the fucken morning you rude fucken cunt."

At this stage I'm pretty convinced this new bidet is a bona fide portal into hell. Yep, fairly sure the bog is actually hissing at me. It's not like it sounds like anything else. It's like that old Stephen King novel called "The Hissing". Maybe the poor captive insentient shitface realises what I am about to do to it. I am literally about to shit right down its fucking throat. Or piss all over it. It's not like it's ever ended any other way for the poor little wanker. I'm guessing Steve Gutenberg was cast in the poorly-received TV-movie version of "The Hissing". I hope he died at the end.

Also, the new arse clag jet is disappointingly feeble compared to the last one. "You call that Apollo 11? That's barely even a backfiring Skoda exhaust-pipe dripping upwards into my arse." #first_world_problems these days I guess.

BUT the new fucker does have a power range button. Houston, we have Mach 5 capabilities. I am yet to ramp up the nitro to go full Saturn 5 Krakatoa on my bumkrak though. Need to stabilise my main man ramparts. For $1,000 that bog salesman thief-in-the-fucken-night should be here to personally hold me on the fucken thing and whisper sweet lullabies into the darkness as we explore deep space together and 'Ol Faithful hoses half of fucken Pompeii off my extended rings of Satan.

[Taro Toporific]

...For $1,000 that bog salesman thief-in-the-fucken-night should be here to personally hold me on the fucken thing and whisper sweet lullabies into the darkness...

I have gone through THREE washlets in my 36 years in Japan---they just don't last.
No. 1: Sharp washlet crapped out 8 years from purchase.
No. 2: Hitachi bumwasher lasted 11 years and then suddenly stopped all functions.
No. 3 My current Toto washlet barely lasted 2 years before breaking in half---Only rated for whimpy Japanese butts less than 100kg.

[Russell]

Simpsons Japanese Toilet

[Thanatos' embalmed botfly]

No. 3 My current Toto washlet barely lasted 2 years before breaking in half---Only rated for whimpy Japanese butts less than 100kg.

oh hell yeah. this new one is made of noticeably flimsier plastic than the one we got 15 years ago. One tectonic arse shift and the fucken things going san andreas on my arse.

It's way narrower too.

That's the bog seat, not my arse.

[CrankyBastard]

I can manage without these new fangled means.
The local population seemed to manage without loo paper in the not too distant past. Stand and crouch... that is what nature intended.
Next problem is to explain why I'm digging holes in the communal garden.

[matsuki]

Next problem is to explain why I'm digging holes in the communal garden.

"land mines"