who married a j-girl?

[mrmachine]

what was she like before, and after?

have you settled or do you plan to settle in japan, or your native country?

did you meet her in japan during your travels, or elsewhere during her travels?

[FG Lurker]

what was she like before, and after?

Women are women. There are good ones and bad ones in every country. (True for men too.)

If you have a strong relationship and are a good match then the chances are good... If not, then the chances of success will reflect that too.

have you settled or do you plan to settle in japan, or your native country?

Have settled in Japan for now... But I wouldn't have a problem going elsewhere if the job offer was right. My wife knows this and it would be fine.

did you meet her in japan during your travels, or elsewhere during her travels?

We met here through work.

Ian

[jim katta]

Women are women. There are good ones and bad ones in every country.

exactly.

[djgizmoe]

what was she like before, and after?

Didn't change much at all (been three years now, almost to the day).

have you settled or do you plan to settle in japan, or your native country?

We're in Japan now, but if a job presented itself in the States, we might move there.

did you meet her in japan during your travels, or elsewhere during her travels?

I met her at work here in Japan.


Gotta agree with Jim and Lurker. Despite a very few cultural differences, people are people (all apologies to Depeche Mode).

[fatslug]

not yet !

[DJEB]

who married a j-girl?

I did.

what was she like before, and after?

Before we married, she was eight years younger. Now she is eight years older. She didn't go psycho at any point in there, if that was really your question.

have you settled or do you plan to settle in japan, or your native country?

We've lived in the same Nerima-ku apartment for 8.5 years. I had planned to move to Canada next year, but that plan is now cancelled. I would like to move back before things start to get too expensive.

did you meet her in japan during your travels, or elsewhere during her travels?

I met her at a friends birthday party in Takadanobaba and though to myself "I could never marry a woman like that."

[Adhesive]

[DJEB]

On a side note, I do have to admit that out of all the generational and cultural cohorts to choose a wife from, a Japanese girl who came of age during the bubble years may not be the wisest. They tend to have a harder time coming to terms with the fact that simply having a job does not entitle one to the luxuries of Gucci and Moet.

Or just marry a girl who was raised in the mountains in a bloody freezing house with no running hot water and a thatched roof. Worked for me.

[url=http://www.fuckedgaijin.com/forums/showthread.php?p=74972#post74972&highlight=#75529]I wonder how long the bubble girls would last in the wilderness...[/url] Or in a low energy future...

[ahochaude]

On a side note, I do have to admit that out of all the generational and cultural cohorts to choose a wife from, a Japanese girl who came of age during the bubble years may not be the wisest. They tend to have a harder time coming to terms with the fact that simply having a job does not entitle one to the luxuries of Gucci and Moet.

Hehehehehehe. I know this all too well. I have 4 jobs here in Hawaii, and although that is enough to get us by, she still bothers me about getting more Louis Vuitton things and wanting a Mercedes. *sigh*
She says it in a joking manner, but I can tell she's dead serious about it. Oh well, at least it gives me a goal to work towards.
Recently, she's getting better about it. So I guess I have it easy compared to some guys out there.

[mrmachine]

get her a combi van. it's a classic.

[Skankster]

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Women are women. There are good ones and bad ones in every country.

I dont agree. Some women have more fickle characters by nationality in my experience.

what was she like before, and after?

I did.
Dont want to do it again.

have you settled or do you plan to settle in japan, or your native country?

I was flexible.
She wasnt. However at one point she wanted to live in the US. But there was no follow thru on her part.

did you meet her in japan during your travels, or elsewhere during her travels?

J-land

[jim katta]

I lived with my wife for a solid 3 years before proposing to her, something I would suggest doing before committing to any member of the female species.

Me too. In fact, I could use some advice. I lived with my japanese girlfriend for 3 years in new york. First year was grand, last two were peppered with a lot of arguing, and the last year, we hardly had sex (and we used to do it like bunnies). I had not even come close to proposing, and I was very focused on work. She up and decided to move back to Japan, and within a month she said she regretted leaving and wanted to be with me. She keeps inviting me to come to Japan, and I can tell she wants me to propose to her (I 'did' meet her father, who liked me actually). I'm ready for marriage, but I don't know if she's the one. After three years, I felt like no, but now I really am considering it. I'm in my mid-thirties and pretty much not into skirt chasing as much. I do love her, but marriage is more than love. I just worry about the arguing and stuff (the sex thing was kinda my doing). So tell me: how crazy am I if went to Japan and married her?

[awaiting my proper kick in the bum... ]

[Samurai_Jerk]

I lived with my wife for a solid 3 years before proposing to her, something I would suggest doing before committing to any member of the female species.

Me too. In fact, I could use some advice. I lived with my japanese girlfriend for 3 years in new york. First year was grand, last two were peppered with a lot of arguing, and the last year, we hardly had sex (and we used to do it like bunnies). I had not even come close to proposing, and I was very focused on work. She up and decided to move back to Japan, and within a month she said she regretted leaving and wanted to be with me. She keeps inviting me to come to Japan, and I can tell she wants me to propose to her (I 'did' meet her father, who liked me actually). I'm ready for marriage, but I don't know if she's the one. After three years, I felt like no, but now I really am considering it. So tell me: how crazy am I if went to Japan and married her?

[awaiting my proper kick in the bum... ]

Dude, let me tell you something that I observed when I moved to Japan. Almost every guy I know who followed a girl over there ended up being miserable and breaking up with them. (Japanese?) People are different in their own countries then they are at home. They are back in Japan where they are suddenly beholden to social and cultural obligations that they never had to deal with in the US, Canada, UK, etc. It puts an instant strain on the relationship and usually changes things a lot. I think also has to do with role reversal. Suddenly you're the foreigner who doesn't understand the system and need help figuring shit out. Most people don't usually do very well when the dynamic of their relationship changes.

More generally speaking, if you two weren't having sex and she left you then you should take that as a sign that she was not the one. Most people have some regret and feel nostalgia when a relationship first ends. If you get back together, if you're lucky, things will be good for the first few months and then back to shit. If you're unlucky, it will immediately be back to shit.

[Skankster]

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Almost every guy I know who followed a girl over there ended up being miserable and breaking up with them.

That is not just those that followed them to Japan either.
Almost everybody I know that married a Japanese girl was miserable and is already divorced except for 2. One is in the US. The other is a guy that insists on not going back to the US. He doesnt like it.

[mrmachine]

i am moving to japan and i've been with my japanese girlfriend in australia for about 8 months already. i'm not going just for her, i was planning an extended stay in japan before i met her. but i am a little wary of the new obligations placed upon her in japanese society, and the added strain on our relationship due to my being in a foreign land, in a difficult job, somewhat dependant on her. we're not engaged or anything though, but it would be nice to hear some success stories

[fatslug]

i am moving to japan and i've been with my japanese girlfriend in australia for about 8 months already. i'm not going just for her, i was planning an extended stay in japan before i met her. but i am a little wary of the new obligations placed upon her in japanese society, and the added strain on our relationship due to my being in a foreign land, in a difficult job, somewhat dependant on her. we're not engaged or anything though, but it would be nice to hear some success stories

no stress....really depends on her family and whether or not they accept u...

[mrmachine]

her family is cool. i have been to japan for a short stay already with them, and her parents (mum only) gave up her room/bed for us we will not live with her family though we will live nearby in a 2bdr apt.

[fatslug]

good stuff mate !

im sure things will be fine then !

[cstaylor]

i am moving to japan and i've been with my japanese girlfriend in australia for about 8 months already. i'm not going just for her, i was planning an extended stay in japan before i met her. but i am a little wary of the new obligations placed upon her in japanese society, and the added strain on our relationship due to my being in a foreign land, in a difficult job, somewhat dependant on her. we're not engaged or anything though, but it would be nice to hear some success stories

The secret to keeping your sanity is making sure you have a stash of money set aside in case things go sideways. Even if it never happens, it's like a security blanket you can rely on.

[mrmachine]

i'm planning to arrive with around 10-12k aud, and hoping it won't take me too long to find some work teaching english 20 hours a week in a smaller more relaxed english school close to osaka/wakayama. i want to make learning japanese a priority though and maybe find a non-teaching job 6-12 months after arrival. i've studied in australia for 6 months already part time, but my japanese is still at a very basic level. i'm pretty quick to learn but also pretty lazy so i was thinking about studying full time for 6 months and teaching private lessons or conversation practice for a few hours each week so i don't just drain all my savings. but working and earning is probably a better idea.

[Mulboyne]

I'm ready for marriage, but I don't know if she's the one...So tell me: how crazy am I if went to Japan and married her?

I know a fair share of failed relationships but I do know some good ones too. Based on your quick summary, though, I'd be warning you of the risks. As you say, it sounds like you want to get married and this girl happens to be available and, posssibly, willing. Don't do it just because you can. You've got reasons to want to be with a girl for the rest of your life but you definitely need more reasons to want to be with this girl . Love would be a good one. You've got to be fair to her and to yourself.

[Samurai_Jerk]

btw, jim katta, how old are you?

[jim katta]

I'll be 34 next month, so while I'm not 'old' per se, I am definitely getting to the point where I'm ready to just call in my chips and settle down.

I guess my biggest worry is what dude said about "Don't do it just because you can." I think that might be part of my motivation. The other part is that 1)I plan on living in japan anyway, married or not, at some point (been there a bunch of times already--gaijin veteran). 2)she stayed with me during some of my roughest times when I was broke, down in the dumps, and getting my butt kicked by a desolate business market (remember 2001 in new york--ouch!). now that I'm doing very well again, I'm wary of chicks who want to hook up with me just because they see how well I'm doing. with my ex-girl back in japan, that's something I don't really have to worry about.

I have heard a lot of horror stories about gaijin/j-girl marriages, but I've also seen first hand some really sweet situations. I'm starting to think maybe if the situation is going to be sweet in my case, at least with this girl, I'd already know (after 3 years). still, it sucks to just let her go, she's super hot, super loyal, a hard worker, and I like her as a person. just can't stomach the arguing about literally 'nothing' a lot.

[jim katta]

I do miss hearing her "okaeri!" what a sucker I am.

[Samurai_Jerk]

I guess my biggest worry is what dude said about "Don't do it just because you can." I think that might be part of my motivation.

just can't stomach the arguing about literally 'nothing' a lot.

Those two statements should answer your question.

[DJEB]

she's super hot, super loyal, a hard worker, and I like her as a person.

What is her stance on polygamy? Could she stand being wife number two?


Seriously, when I was about to be married, I was really nervous about not having a fear of commitment. I couldn't figure out why I didn't have this fear that everyone seems to talk about. In the end I thought about the life I would be giving up, which was two dates in 4 years and avoiding sexual frustration by doing aikido for 20 hours a week. Not much to give up in terms of what I'd get, I thought.

When I was first married, I knew that the cross-cultural aspect would create some tensions, so I would react very calmly to any conflicts and analyse them for a day or so. Honest analysis always led me to the conclusion that I was either being subborn or being an asshole. In the end, having a cross-cultural marriage was advantageous as it made me approach the marriage more cautiously than I would have otherwise. I took nothing for granted.

[AssKissinger]

I married my wife less than half a year after the day we met. Our four year anniversary is coming up next month. I want to stress a kind of different angle towards marriage. These days, conventional wisdom tells us to wait, be patient and hold out for the 'right' partner. I was over thirty when I got married so in a sense I followed that same idealogy. But on the other hand, time and place really are important factors as well. It's a lot of things combined, not just finding the right partner. I mean, if you feel in your heart, it's time to get married, that's a big part of it. No woman is going to be 100% perfect for you. Or at least, that kind of thing is really rare. You don't want to let the things you want in life to pass you by because you're afraid of making a mistake. Take for example, when I was living up in Aomori, I knew a JET guy who got engaged to woman he only knew over the Internet. EVERYONE I knew condemned his decision universally as idiotic. I was the only one I knew who gave the guy the benefit of the doubt. My take on it, is that dating and falling in love and cohabitaton and so on is just one of many many ways people from around the world go about it. In fact, I don't think there's any indications that marriages that spring out of romantic love are any more prone to produce happiness than arranged marriages and so on. It seemed odd to me that among all the gaijin I knew, who suppossedly are worldly and sophisticated and hip to different cultures and different ways of doing things can only accept their own way of finding a spouse as the correct one. Marriage is personal. And the reasons are too personal to worry too much about what everyone else thinks. When you hit your thirties, wow, time starts to fly. Maybe you're dating someone and you're thinking 'Yeah, I wanna get married' but still there's some doubt... well, by the time you get out of that relationship and into the next one BAM! you're forty, oh shit. And this is something I really believe, for most people, as you get older, it gets harder and harder to really open your heart to someone. Puppy love may be the purest love out there! And at a certain point as you get older it's like every new girlfriend is kind of the same, no one's perfect. You can see the future problems right after the first fuck, you know? Maybe at this point it takes a push of dedication, a show of faith in another human to help generate the love you need to replinish your soul. so Jim, you're 34 you say? I say 'Go for it!'. If that's what you want. Good luck!

[mrmachine]

word up. i agree with the ghost of asskissinger. don't let life pass you by because you are too afraid to make a mistake or too to even make a decision because it might not be the "best" one. we all live and learn, it is the only way forward. and nobody is perfect. take all the positive from each situation and deal with the negative. instead of ditching this girl who may bring a lot of positives to your life because of some negatives e.g. arguments about nothing, think of the bigger picture and the positives and try things that will resolve/prevent the arguments. and if it's the unchangeable differences in her and your nature that sparks these arguments, just let it go when it happens. i know plenty of couples who argue, in fact all couples i have ever known have huge arguments. the trick is to just give each other space when these things happen and realise that it's not that big a deal and tomorrow you will still be there for each other with love and support.

[Skankster]

the ghost of asskissinger is full of Crap


Japanese girls are fickle and lazy...as you will soon probably find out for yourself.

Strange thing this phenomenon of Japanese girls dating Gaijin:

Japanese men dont have much faith in J-girls.
That is why they seldom hire them for positions of responsibility.
To J-girls, Gaijin are a fantasy - like pop idols.
To J-men, J-girls are an ornament. But they know they dont have a sturdy backbone.
To Gaijin J-girls are feminine and demure.
That "feminine and demure" is effectively fickle character.

However, you may have to marry one to find this out for yourself.

[NeoNecroNomiCron]

I agree with some ofwhat skankster is saying.

A big warning. Never date a Japanese girl who has dated a gaijin before. Its not a joke either. Never ever do it. The got dumped for a reason, they are quite selfish and are looking for fill a void.

To Japanese men, Japanese women are seen as quite selfish. I agree, for a race that is supposed to be unimotional Jgirls sure do cry a lot. Really a lot over the smallest of things.

If you are in an arguement when the bitch knows she has done wrong. She is not crying because she is sorry or sad. Just at the fact she is not being let do exactly what she wants to do. Selfishness to the core. Only disneyland will stop that kind of crying, all you guys that have been there know what I mean.

Repeat warning never date a girl that has had a gaijin boyfriend.

For one who knows how uglythe bloke was because they dont have an idea of what a really good looking one looks like.
Two if some sad IQ less freak had the good sence to dump her, what are you doing with her?
3 you are a free english teacher
4 oh the joy of the arguements when she says " but my last bf didnt think that way and he is a gaijin" this will piss you off like you couldnt believe.

Besides boys all the really greatlooking tanned booty in the shops in shibuya, or super cute girls are taken by Japanese guys, you are left to sort through the dreggs that have given up and are setteling for a gaijin because they are "easy". You might think yeah an easy lay and pretty hot too. the feeling isnt great when a bitch treats you like you are a bitch and you are too.

I am glad I dont have to face these issues so much (anymore). I have gone pretty much native in my search for girls. i.e. student events , gokons (werent as sukebe as a though) .

Mind you I could be easily proven wrong, over on JT there is an extremely hot girl more than looking for a gaijin to date.