The truth about American Oyaji

[American Oyaji]

When I got married, I was hella naive about women.
And I married a she devil. I won't go into gory details, but in retrospect, I realize that she was an unfaithful woman. I treated her like a queen and I got dirt in return.

ANY way. I haven't seen her or the kids in 5 years. Not my fault. She wouldn't follow me.

Anyway. I'm free from her now and it's been a LOOOOOOONG time since this bloke has had a shag. I've had chances but I've chosen to go slow.

One reason is I don't want to get HIV infected. Columbus has a large gay community (third in number between SF and NY I've heard) and I know there are quite a few people around here that go both ways. So I've been quite leery of stepping out.

Secondly, it's harder to meet women here. Bars have to be driven to. In Japan you could walk or take a train to get to a bar. (in Aomori I walked, in Tokyo, I trainged ) And the girls here at college in general are too young or too old. There either fresh out of high school, or they are going back to college now that they're kids are in high school.

And bars in the States just aren't as fun. And the women here aren't that good looking. (Meaning this town. Not American women in general)
The average FGgal was heaps better looking than the average around here. In Pittsburgh, where I'm from originally, there a heaps of pretty ladies. Maybe I have high standards. Dunno.

All that said....It's been a few years since I had a shag. Longest I've ever gone since I lost my virginity at 18. (Tried waiting til marriage. I failed.)

The divorce thing has just finally been decided recently and it's a weight off my mind. I knew it was gonna happen, it was just nailing it down as fact that was the problem.

In my searches recently, Ive found one thing problem If the lady hasn't had any experiences with other cultures, she's a tad bit boring.


So yesterday was a valentine day of one.

My best friend is Japanese. She is one of the sweetest women I know.

If I asked, she'd say yes, I think.

Problem is. I'm not really trying to get married right now. Not really looking for a relationship. I want one, and I don't. I don't know why I chose cyber to place this in.

Maybe because I'm a horny oyaji. *shrug*.

Maybe I need to start blogging.

[kamome]

Or maybe that was a little too much information for us to digest at once.

[AssKissinger]

ANY way. I haven't seen her or the kids in 5 years. Not my fault. She wouldn't follow me

Dude, after you have kids it's your duty to be a man and be there. Not your fault my ass. You can get a visa on the grounds that you got kids here. It may not be convenient for you and your wife may very well be a cunt but that's neither here nor there cause you got kids man. Step the fuck up and be a man. The kids can't follow you so you have to be there for them. I'll say this straight up. That's weak. You brought kids into the world they deserve a dad. Even if that means you have to live somewhere you don't wanna live.

It's been a few years since I had a shag.

Good Grief! Go back to Aomori (or wherever your kids are). Pick up whatever work you can. Get a little J-snatch and most importantly hang out with your kids on Sundays.

Maybe I need to start blogging.

Fuck that. You need to start being a man. A guy who has kids but isn't there for them is little boy.

[GuyJean]

Fuck that. You need to start being a man. A guy who has kids but isn't there for them is little boy.

Spoken like boy without kids..

Actually, I agree with everything... But I find it hard to pass judgement on others with very different experiences..

GJ

[AssKissinger]

Spoken like boy without kids..

Not having kids when you shouldn't is being a man. Having kids when you shouldn't is being a boy. Raising kids right is being a 'dad' and a man. I'm not a dad or a father but I'm a man.

[omae mona]

AK, to GuyJean's point, there may be more to the story that we don't know about. In Japan, it's often way beyond the control of the foreign parent. Visitation rights and even the right to stay in the country are far from guaranteed. See http://www.crnjapan.com/en for some depressing details.

[GuyJean]

Not having kids when you shouldn't is being a man..

When you 'shouldn't'?.. You mean, because you're not ready?

What if AO takes your advice, goes back to the psycho-bitch to be with his kids, goes crazy, kills everyone?.. Is that man enough for ya?

I understand and respect what you're saying. I just find it hard to apply one size to all shapes of problems..

GJ

[American Oyaji]

AK...
Take this any way you want to...

Fuck off.

She said she'd come. After I got here, I realize that she had no intention of coming.

In Aomori, there aren't many opportunities for an FG without a college degree. Especially if I want to be able to send my kids to college after they graduate. And being half black in Japan is a helluva lot harder than being half white. I didnt want them to experience that. I wanted them to experience the U.S.

And should I stay with a cheating, lying, boozing coniving bitch? Hell no.

I don't call women bitches easily. But I can call my ex-wife a bitch easily enough.

I've spent just about every day for the past 5 years trying to figure out if I could have done something better or different. Couldn't find anythiing.

SOOOooo. I'm in college now. I'll return to Japan once it's finished, but I'll return as a single man.


Really AK. Until you have been in a certain situation, you can't speak on it.

[Steve Bildermann]

You can get a visa on the grounds that you got kids here.

It bears repeating that you cannot get a visa based solely on the grounds you have children here.

[Mels]

AO, you are doing the best you can. Do you have any communication with your children? It must be very difficult for you and them. The way this lady sounds, I hope she is not poisoning their minds about their dad.

Keep strong and when that time is right, you will be with them again.

Ganbatte ne!!!

[Mels]

AO, not to change the subject, but in sharing, I was attending a conference in Oakland last week. They had some awesome keynote speakers. The speaker the inspired the whole crowd was Dennis Kimbro Phd. Have you ever heard of him. He recieved a standing ovation and gave me GOOSEBUMPS.

He wrote:
Think and Grow Rich, a Black choice
with: Napoleon Hill

Daily Motivations for African-American Success

He was doing a signing and I had the books signed for my GodSon, MJ (michael jr), the light of my life. He is only 2, but I think those books will be very inspirational for him as he grows up. His mom and I are best freinds, sisters I would say, and we are establishing our business for his future. I am reading the books now and I love his approach.

Peace out

[NeoNecroNomiCron]

This thread is not Cybersex.

No its post-Cybersex.

[AssKissinger]

Not having kids when you shouldn't is being a man..

When you 'shouldn't'?.. You mean, because you're not ready?

What if AO takes your advice, goes back to the psycho-bitch to be with his kids, goes crazy, kills everyone?.. Is that man enough for ya?

I understand and respect what you're saying. I just find it hard to apply one size to all shapes of problems..

GJ

I never advised going back to the 'psycho bitch'. I advised going back to the kids.

Not ready is one way to look at it. Being an adult, being in love and still saying I'm not ready for kids is 100% manly. It takes a real man to do that. But in other cases there's no 'ready' about it because 'ready' implies finished preperation towards a goal. Some people are wise enough in their manhood to realize kids aren't for them. Just caving into your biological need to breed and not following through for the kids not manly.

In Aomori, there aren't many opportunities for an FG without a college degree

I lived in Aomori for three years and know all about it. You can get little LK's with a toilet down the hall for under 30,000. Anybody can cover that picking up some privates even up there so don't fucking bullshit me about it.

And being half black in Japan is a helluva lot harder than being half white

Get your ass out there and show them that a black man is there for them so they will learn to love their blackness. I don't care what anyone one here says. Five years with no contact is BULLSHIT.

It bears repeating that you cannot get a visa based solely on the grounds you have children here.

That's fucked up. But still it's no excuse either.

AK...
Take this any way you want to...

Fuck off.

OK

AO, you are doing the best you can.

Yeah five years without contact with your kids is a really awesome college try.

AO, your kids are probably learning to hate their blackness even more because their black father isn't there at all. Even if you were there waiting in front of their school in the morning in the deep Aomori snow just to say I love you then they'd know what a black man is all about. Even if you want to finish school first you should get out there and tell them what's going on and apoligize in person.

Really AK. Until you have been in a certain situation, you can't speak on it

You put it on the forum.

[GomiGirl]

AK's plain speaking aside, there are some nuggets of wisdom in what he is saying...

AO, you are a decent guy and while your tale is honest and sad, everybody has their own story of woe. Deal with the hand you have been dealt and take charge of your own destiny.

Don't make excuses for your non-action.

I have more respect for people who say - yes this crap thing happened in my life, but this is what I am doing about it to make whatever positive outcome I can.

Going to college is a good thing. Being a father is also a good thing.

p.s. not everybody you meet has AIDS and there are ways to protect yourself against it. It is a hard disease to catch relatively speaking. This illogical fear of meeting somebody seems like another excuse.

[NeoNecroNomiCron]

AK is right in every extent and it doesnt depend on circumstance at all. You wouldnt be worrying about your self first. When you have children nobody else come first, not even your wife.

If you were young and just had 1 child, I could put it down to an accident or stupidity. But more than one child is not really an accident.

Getting a devorce hinders you ability to go back to Japan. Was that an intentional move? Mels, its not down to circumstance that limits our understanding. Rasing children well is a fundimental principal, there are no exceptions.

If you really wanted to go back to Japan you could of applied to do collage in Japan. Then you would of only of had to wait to go back at most a year. But 5 fucking year is beyond a joke.

Just so you know, my father left us. I dont always get on with my mother but at least she was there. in the last 15 years I only have met my father about 5 times. 2 of which I instigated by routing my flights so I had a stop over where he lives.

Why did I see him, well to boast(silently) in a way of how I got on with my life with out him. Also hopeing that he would keel over and die so i can pick his pockets. Because all he was ever interested in was his own greed.

[omae mona]

I agree with a lot of the sentiments here, but to re-emphasize what I and Steve Bildermann were hinting at before, the rules in Japan don't work like the rules in most other countries.

I'm very curious to know whether AO's ex wanted him to be able to see the kids or not. Because if the answer is no, then chances are that's going to be the way things work out - whether he's divorced or married, and whether he tries to see the kids or not. See the link I posted before, but even without divorcing, a Japanese parent can keep the kids completely away from the non-Japanese parent. It's considered kidnapping in other countries, but it's legal in Japan. Folks have fought court battles for years over this, and basically, the foreigner always loses the case.

[GuyJean]

Just so you know, my father left us.

AO, get you're ass back to those kids ASAP!! If Neo's any indication... ;;)

No, I'm sure being raised by a single mother was challenging for both of you, especially your mom.. But I also know success stories.. I would assume you're one. But be careful; fatherless families tend to be cyclical..

Interesting how the 'best advice' about kids seems to come from those that don't have any. But they're right in one way, AO. You should try to see your kids more often, IMO.

GJ

(edited for clarification)

[American Oyaji]

I said I haven't seen them. I call and I send money. I talk with them on the phone quite often. I write letters.

The separation was only supposed to be one year. At the end of that year, 9/11 happened.
I was fully prepared to bring them here. Had huge car, nice house. 8 months after 9/11, I came down with rheumatic fever. Lost EVERYTHING.
House, car, credit, job, health...all gone. Company royally screwed me. And while I was sick the job market went to shit. So no jobs were available, even if I WAS physically able to work, which I wasn't It was about a year and a half before I was even strong enough to take 1 two-hour class a week.

Last year, I finally realized that she had never intended to come here anyway. She had been screwing around Misawa while I was in the hospital here in the states. She bought a new car. She doesn't speak English to the kids.

So it wasn't like I just walked out of their lives. I fully intended that they come with me. My plan was to take them with me when I left, but she wouldn't go. Problem was she never followed the plan she agreed on.

I've been a victim of circumstance and lies.

Life had dealt me body blows, but I'm not done yet.

Mels,
Thanks for the info. I'll look that guy up.

[American Oyaji]

Another thing.
This woman loves money more than anything else.

She has a life insurance policy on me. Not saying I'm afraid of her, but I don't trust her or her mother.

I'm not going to put my life under her control again.

[NeoNecroNomiCron]

I agree with a lot of the sentiments here, but to re-emphasize what I and Steve Bildermann were hinting at before, the rules in Japan don't work like the rules in most other countries.

I'm very curious to know whether AO's ex wanted him to be able to see the kids or not. Because if the answer is no, then chances are that's going to be the way things work out - whether he's divorced or married, and whether he tries to see the kids or not. See the link I posted before, but even without divorcing, a Japanese parent can keep the kids completely away from the non-Japanese parent. It's considered kidnapping in other countries, but it's legal in Japan. Folks have fought court battles for years over this, and basically, the foreigner always loses the case.

I call bullshit on that excuse. Because while still married, he could get a spousal visa. I.e. he can come back to Japan. It may still be hard for him to still see his children. BUT it is a hell of a lot easier at least getting to be in the same country as them.

[omae mona]

Because while still married, he could get a spousal visa. I.e. he can come back to Japan.

Neo - you're 100% correct here AFAIK.

It may still be hard for him to still see his children. BUT it is a hell of a lot easier at least getting to be in the same country as them.

I am really not so sure about that part. Seriously, read the stuff on the link I posted. You may be surprised.

In any case, no idea whether this issue pertains to AO or not. Only he knows (and maybe not even him) what his ex wants re: contact with the kids.

[AssKissinger]

I said I haven't seen them. I call and I send money. I talk with them on the phone quite often. I write letters.

That's way better than nothing. At least they know you care.

The separation was only supposed to be one year. At the end of that year, 9/11 happened.
I was fully prepared to bring them here. Had huge car, nice house. 8 months after 9/11, I came down with rheumatic fever. Lost EVERYTHING.
House, car, credit, job, health...all gone. Company royally screwed me. And while I was sick the job market went to shit. So no jobs were available, even if I WAS physically able to work, which I wasn't It was about a year and a half before I was even strong enough to take 1 two-hour class a week

That softens my initial reaction. Sorry to hear that, btw. But still...five years? Well, at least from now try to get over here ASAP.

Another thing.
This woman loves money more than anything else.

She has a life insurance policy on me. Not saying I'm afraid of her, but I don't trust her or her mother.

I'm not going to put my life under her control again

She had been screwing around Misawa while I was in the hospital here in the states

OK It's obvious you hate your ex. And even without hearing her side of the tale I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt an agree with you that she's a bitch.

I don't call women bitches easily. But I can call my ex-wife a bitch easily enough.

I prefer the term 'gash' but anyway...

I'm gonna offer up a little AK advice. Dig down deep and find it in yourself to forgive your wife. Your hatred for her is only going to drive a wedge between you and your children. I know how it is when someone done you wrong and I aint the forgiving sort myself but you're gonna have to do this. You're a Christian. Go to church and pray to Christ to give you the stregnth to forgive her. Maybe it'll work. Here's why: She can probably sense how you feel about her. When she senses your hatred it's going to make her feel a lot more comfortable wedging you away from your kids. Maybe physically, maybe emotionally maybe just unconsciously but hating the mother of your children, even if justified, will hurt the relationship with your kids and will directly hurt the kids. On the other hand, if you can sincerely forgive her, perhaps she will sense that. In that case, she will be more likely to support the idea of you being close to the kids. What mother would want a man who hates her near her children? If she feels for real that you have found it in yourself to forgive her she might even feel ashamed of not supporting your relationship with the kids.

[AssKissinger]

She doesn't speak English to the kids.

Well that's no surprise, a Japanese woman in Japan. How's your Japanese? You got a damn good reason to hit the books.

[American Oyaji]

I'm taking Japanese courses at college now.

And the crazy thing is that I HAVE forgiven her. Despite all of her wrongs, I was ready to take her back.

She 's happier without me. So it's time for me to move on.

[Mels]

Just my own opinion.
It is easy for people to hand out adivce without asking the questions to get more clarification to why things are they way they are. Jumping into conclusions. But is sounds like many are heartfelt, others have had bad experiences and dont want your kids to go through what they did..etc. that is besides the point..it isnt about them, but it is about you and your kids.

I am glad that you, AO, have contact with your kids, even if it is via phone. That is more then some other parents out there. There are many people in the US who dont see their kids or even talk with them. It sucks. It isnt just men, but women too.

I dont have any children, my parents stayed married until my father past away...so I do not have any experience, but I can be compassionate about what is happening. I think many here are being compassionate.

Sounds like you had many bad events occur throughout these past five years. I understand what people are saying---go get your kids, go there and get what ever job you can, etc. But until you are completely back on your feet, how can you help them? Just being there physically is one thing, but being there and providing them with a decent life is even better.

I am not familar with any child custody laws in Japan. But it sounds like some people here know that it isnt easy for a non Japanese father.

Getting back to your company....you were sick when you worked for them? Were they an american company? The labor laws are different from state to state and CA has some of the best labor laws (sometimes it is too much) in place to protect employees. Not sure if you are pursuing anything legal, but if you were sick while you are an employee.......what happened that you lost everything? They let you go? They did not have good enough health coverage?

I am sorry for your loss all around, but it sounds as though you are doing something about it. It is humanly impossible for someone to do everything all at once. I cant see you just jetting off to Japan to get your kids without being prepared......You have communication with your kids, you send money....that is ALOT more them other parents do here in the US. My gosh...good for you.
You are in school and you do your best each day.

You go with your plan......no one else is living your life....

[American Oyaji]

I live in Ohio. My company was here as well.

This is an at will state. In my contract it said I or my company could terminate my employment at any time for any reason. Most companies here have contracts like that.

There are laws protecting people while they are sick, but once you are "reasonably" healthy, you're on your own.

So

[Mels]

I live in Ohio. My company was here as well.

This is an at will state. In my contract it said I or my company could terminate my employment at any time for any reason. Most companies here have contracts like that.

There are laws protecting people while they are sick, but once you are "reasonably" healthy, you're on your own.

So

Calif is also an at will state so I know how that goes. That is what sucks here with not having a national health care system......too many people who have been ill may end up losing everything because of the danm hospital bills....but that is another topic for another day.

[NeoNecroNomiCron]

Just my own opinion.
It is easy for people to hand out adivce without asking the questions to get more clarification to why things are they way they are. Jumping into conclusions. But is sounds like many are heartfelt, others have had bad experiences and dont want your kids to go through what they did..etc. that is besides the point..it isnt about them, but it is about you and your kids.

Mels, its not beside the point. There are universial truths and one of them is putting your children before yourself.

If AO wants so go around fucking like a pornstar i.e. sans kondom. Then he is responsibe for what happens to the cream pie.

The guy should get a vasectomy. Probably the only responible thing my cunt of a father ever did.

[Mels]

Just my own opinion.
It is easy for people to hand out adivce without asking the questions to get more clarification to why things are they way they are. Jumping into conclusions. But is sounds like many are heartfelt, others have had bad experiences and dont want your kids to go through what they did..etc. that is besides the point..it isnt about them, but it is about you and your kids.

Mels, its not beside the point. There are universial truths and one of them is putting your children before yourself.

If AO wants so go around fucking like a pornstar i.e. sans kondom. Then he is responsibe for what happens to the cream pie.

The guy should get a vasectomy. Probably the only responible thing my cunt of a father ever did.

I am not saying not to put your children first. What I should have said is- Each persons experiences and perceptions are different. Peopls see things differntly.

And what I meant by 'besides the point' is people have the tendency to personalize someone else's experience because they have gone through some shitty experiences. Like you, you come from the childs perspective. (NO I am not calling you a child LOL), just that your dad was not there, so you personally know how it felt and transfer that to AO's kids. And truthfully, maybe his kids are feeling how you felt. Or, maybe not.

Bottomline, it is a very sad situation for the kids. They have NO say. Only the adults make the decisions. Fair? NO of course not. Unfortunate, yes.

At least AO is in contact with his kids. Is it enough? Probably not. He supports his kids by sending them money. Is that enough? Probably not.
But he is going to school and trying his best with what he's got. Is that enough? He can only do what he can do.

Do I personally wish he would go to Japan to get his kids. Yes I do. Personally, I thnik they may have more opportunities here in the US.

In the perfect world, all parents would do right by their kids. But, in reality, people arent perfect, they misjudge, make mistake and in the future, they may have many regrets.

[NeoNecroNomiCron]

I am not saying not to put your children first. What I should have said is- Each persons experiences and perceptions are different. Peopls see things differntly.

I fully apreciate that, for all we know I am living in the matrix and you are all just interactions with my perceptions. Prove me wrong!

But I am not going to give him much slack. Because he did devorce his wife, the VISA is a major issue and one of his excuses.

And what I meant by 'besides the point' is people have the tendency to personalize someone else's experience because they have gone through some shitty experiences. Like you, you come from the childs perspective. (NO I am not calling you a child LOL), just that your dad was not there, so you personally know how it felt and transfer that to AO's kids. And truthfully, maybe his kids are feeling how you felt. Or, maybe not.

Even if they dont feel exactly how I feel, it doesnt matter. Because children need balance from both partents. Why else do you think there are so many gay people these days and some many dysfunctional people. Because children are not being raised in a balanced enviroment. Hell I even have sexual hangups for being raised in a female dominant family.

At least AO is in contact with his kids. Is it enough?

Peoples main gripe is with the 5 years. That was about the same duration between each of my father visits. There are always excuses...

He supports his kids by sending them money. Is that enough? Probably not.

In the end it has actualy nothing to do with money. I couldnt care less if my father was homeless, but if he was sinscere it would make a hell of a difference.

But he is going to school and trying his best with what he's got. Is that enough? He can only do what he can do.

Do you know how easy it is to get a Student Visa in Japan if you already have a Spousal Visa? I dont even get a scholarship in Japan and I have no funding(coming from a broken family) Waseda is a private university. DO you know how I do it. Working nearly a full time job(an not at a cushy 3000 like english teachers get more like 1500 an hour). If you really want to do something you will do it out of determination alone. People always have excuses. Real people dont.

But, in reality, people arent perfect, they misjudge, make mistake and in the future, they may have many regrets.

Most importantly people are primeraly selfish.