The truth about American Oyaji

[Mels]

Thanks for the response Neo. Personally, I believe we are on the same page. Although I have no kids, I do have a GodSon and I would do anything for him.

It is the children that do hurt the most in these cases. But I have met well adjusted people from broken homes. Three of them are my best freinds.

[L S]

My humble advice, as a child of divorced parents and a divorced father of a beautiful A/J-boy, is to do your best to involve yourself directly in your child's life no matter the challenges. It may not be easy, it may not be practical, but it will reward all of you and lessen the chance for regrets later. It is also reasonable to think that you can be in their lives and still find personal happiness, get laid, fall in love, move forward etc.

By the way, congrats on being able to forgive your ex. That is a positive step in getting through this. The next is to be able to deal with her and her faults in a compassionate matter (in the Buddist sense) as you try to be closer to your children. That's easy to say/hard to practice...but possible...(I try to read a lot on Buddist compassion when it gets hard for me ).

I truly hope things work out for you and your children.

[Big Booger]

I have a friend who right now lives in Japan, speaks ok Japanese, has a job, is divorced (last year), and has 2 children in Japan. He has a college degree works as an ALT, and sees his kids once or twice a year. Reason being, the J-wife won't let him see them. He knows where the J-wife's parents live, but he doesn't know where the J-wife lives.

He sends about $1500 to his kids every month. He calls them, but sometimes the J-wife just hangs up the phone on him. He sends cards, and does everything he can.. but in reality he can only visit the children when the J-wife/ex-wife allows it... and in this past year he has seen them twice.

So indeed living in Japan won't matter that much if the J-ex-wife doesn't want you to see the children.

I think you are making a wise decision and getting your college degree, taking Japanese courses, and preparing before coming here...

Sure you could come like AK has stated, take some private lessons, and survive... but your long-term success here is severely hampered...

It's better to find a good job, so you can take care of yourself here, and have free time to go visit your kids. I'd recommend trying to keep a good dialogue open between yourself and the J-wife if possible....

Write your kids as much as you can, call them, and let them know you care. That is right thing to do. They will understand as they get older and as long as you explain it to them.

Good luck on your shag hunting. The opportunity will come.

[cstaylor]

There are universial truths and one of them is putting your children before yourself.

I disagree. I think AO is doing the right thing, taking care of himself first and helping the children whenever he can.

His children aren't destitute. If you read his story a little more closely, his wife's parents are still alive, helping her take care of the kids.

If I were him, I'd be putting that money he's currently sending down a blackhole to his ex-wife in an American interest-gathering bank account for the children so when they (eventually) come to visit, he'll have a little money to entertain and introduce them to his side of the family. In the case of foreigners divorced from Japanese spouses, there's no court-supported guarantee that the money is going to take care of the kids. It's more likely going to support a LV habit, IIRC AO's ex-wife used to work as a hostess.

[cstaylor]

He sends about $1500 to his kids every month. He calls them, but sometimes the J-wife just hangs up the phone on him. He sends cards, and does everything he can.. but in reality he can only visit the children when the J-wife/ex-wife allows it... and in this past year he has seen them twice.

Jesus, what a waste of money. That comes out to $18,000 a year. From the description of your friend I'm assuming the wife filed for divorce, so she must have understood the financial situation beforehand. Sounds like he's just handing her spending money IMHO.

[Big Booger]

He sends about $1500 to his kids every month. He calls them, but sometimes the J-wife just hangs up the phone on him. He sends cards, and does everything he can.. but in reality he can only visit the children when the J-wife/ex-wife allows it... and in this past year he has seen them twice.

Jesus, what a waste of money. That comes out to $18,000 a year. From the description of your friend I'm assuming the wife filed for divorce, so she must have understood the financial situation beforehand. Sounds like he's just handing her spending money IMHO.

it was actually the court made him send it.. he got the shaft in the divorce....

[cstaylor]

it was actually the court made him send it.. he got the shaft in the divorce....

Wait, a Japanese court is making him pay, but not enforcing visitation? IIRC, I thought the Japanese courts don't get involved in these matters, they just assign the child to one (usually the Japanese national) parent and leave it at that.

[Big Booger]

it was actually the court made him send it.. he got the shaft in the divorce....

Wait, a Japanese court is making him pay, but not enforcing visitation? IIRC, I thought the Japanese courts don't get involved in these matters, they just assign the child to one (usually the Japanese national) parent and leave it at that.

In his case, he was forced to pay child support. The court did get involved, and with their rikon, he has visititation, but it is not enforced at all... the money is however, because he works in Japan.... they take it directly out of his bank... He is in such a fucked condition.. it is beyond words...

Certainly he could avoid paying the child support by moving back to his country, but he wants to see his kids, even if it is only once or twice a year....

[American Oyaji]

IIRC AO's ex-wife used to work as a hostess.

No. She's never worked in mizushobai. But she is a club scene addict.

[jim katta]

1. AO posted here, so he should expect 'some' critique and have a stiff upper lip. He obviously wanted feedback.

2. I don't always agree with AssKissinger's posts, but in this, I agree with him. Having said that....

3. I think it was Big Booger (another guy I don't always agree with) who said something that I think is very correct. He said,

I think you are making a wise decision and getting your college degree, taking Japanese courses, and preparing before coming here... Sure you could come like AK has stated, take some private lessons, and survive... but your long-term success here is severely hampered...

4. When I look at everything (especially AO's health problem, which I don't think people are giving enough weight to. a year and a half of bad health/hospital stay is traumatic, and takes longer than a year and a half to recover from.) I think AO's only weak point is that he should not have let the kids reach the age of five without at least seeing his face. That kind of stuff is hard to repair as a kid grows up. But I think in this case, maybe it could not be helped (not sure, need more details). I also think people should not dismiss what AO said about the life insurance and not trusting her. It's very easy for a gaijin to get hurt in Japan (under mysterious circumstances) if a Japanese person sets their mind to it. And if she is a lyer/cheater/club head, then she probably 'is' up to no good, and AO should be careful with his life. That's not a joke, he is smart to take that aspect seriously.

I think Booger said best, AO should come back to Japan in a strong position, not a weak one, and THEN try to put the situation together with his kids. Getting your degree, taking Japanese lessons, calling your kids, sending money, and constructing a plan to come back to Japan for your kids...shit, I think you are doing good man. You have my best wishes and moral support.

[mr. sparkle]

AO, good luck man and get back to those kids ASAP. I hope you get back over there as soon as you can, so you can get back to a more productive and fulfilling life. Because a life without seeing your own kids must be absolute torture.

In my own family is a situation with kids that reminds me a bit of your story.

I think I mentioned in another post that my brother knocked up a German girl when he was a GI in the Reagen era. My brother sort of put it out of his mind that he had a kid out there and didn't bother trying to contact him. He even kept this news from my father (who is still not convinced the kid is actually his), until recently.

You could tell it ate him up inside and I repeatedly told him to seek him out and at least find out if the kid is his. Well, he found the kid after 12 years, after getting a German gal I was seeing to make some phone calls on his behalf. It didn't take long. After an hour on the phone, he found his son at his grandparents home in Southern Germany.

He realizes now that he should've owned up to being a father much earlier in the kids's life. He admits that it was the biggest mistake of his life in not searching for him much earlier. I'm not sure that my nephew forgives my brother for being AWOL for so many years, or ever will, but I sure am glad that he finally made the move. Nowadays, he flies the boy out to the U.S. once a year, has regular contact with him and sends child support regularly.

I do wish that he would get a paternity test though...it's almost like a "Maury" re-run if he doesn't. It's something I would do, regardless. The kid doesn't look that much like my brother. He doesn't have the guts to do it, though, and I'm not quite sure why. What can I say? It's a weird situation.

What I am trying to say AO, is don't wait too long. Kids grow up fast and you will want them to be around as you grow older. Five years becomes ten too quickly. I suggest that you visit them at least a few times before you make your great re-migration.

Life's full of tough choices my good man. Do your best with the hand that's dealt to you.

[American Oyaji]

Part of the reason I posted it was to see if my instincts and decisions were correct. I see now I'm on the right path.

Another reason was to completely exorcise this woman out of my heart.

Confession is good for the soul.

[Ketou]

Yea, I feel your pain bro.
I am also a divorced father and it is not nearly as black and white as some posts on this thread would suggest.
A case of your average 400 pound American telling us what it feels like to starve to death. No experience?? No idea!!

I agree with CS, sort yourself out and then get back to the kids. Even if your not seeing them now just make sure they know they have a dad who loves them.

[cstaylor]

No. She's never worked in mizushobai. But she is a club scene addict.

Oops, my mistake. You were the host, she was the customer?

[cstaylor]

In his case, he was forced to pay child support. The court did get involved, and with their rikon, he has visititation, but it is not enforced at all... the money is however, because he works in Japan.... they take it directly out of his bank... He is in such a fucked condition.. it is beyond words...

$1,500 a month? That's outrageous! If you don't mind me asking, what's his salary?

[jim katta]

AO, if you feel up to it, it would be nice to hear a summary of what happened with you and your exwife, just to put things into perspective. totally understand if you don't want to go there though.

[Maths Dude]

Sheeeeeit, we were thinkin about pushing out a kid, now I'm having second thoughts after reading this thread! <---- dont do it ?!

[AssKissinger]

Sheeeeeit, we were thinkin about pushing out a kid, now I'm having second thoughts after reading this thread! <---- dont do it ?!

If you have any doubt don't do it.

[Maths Dude]

AK, I tend to agree with you man. On the other hand, isn't there alwys concern or doubt - for example is the baby gonna be 'normal'. I wonder how many people who have kids worried about that before they went for it.

[GuyJean]

If you have any doubt don't do it.

If parents have absolutely no doubts or second thoughts before having kids, they're completely ignorant. It's the commitment after the second-guessing that's important.. Questioning a decision helps prepare us for all possible obstacles, IMO..

GJ

[AssKissinger]

Before you have a kid you should know for sure in your heart that if the kid is severely handicapped you'll still want it. You should be 100% certain that short of death you will be there. If you don't know don't do it. What's fucked is that most people want kids and try to make them. In truth, only a very small percentage of people should have kids. The world would be a much better place and not so digustingly overpopulated if only people who were really cut out for it had kids. You need a nice savings plus a solid income, a very solid peaceful marriage with no trust problems at all, patience (extreme patience) and education and intelligence (that's right dumbasses shouldn't breed). The way people always encourage married couples to hurry up and have kids is stupid. I don't give a damn about the aging and shrinking population and caring for the elderly and all that hooey. It only takes a pair of eyes to see Japan and the world is grossly overpopulated. We're deleting the world's resources, polluting the planet overheating the place and so on. Having a baby just because you want one is just plain selfish.

[AssKissinger]

If you have any doubt don't do it.

If parents have absolutely no doubts or second thoughts before having kids, they're completely ignorant. It's the commitment after the second-guessing that's important.. Questioning a decision helps prepare us for all possible obstacles, IMO..

GJ

Let me put it this way. You need to be able to understand the gravity of the decision and then be certain of your ability to follow through. Don't hard ass me on semantics you know what I'm saying.

[GuyJean]

The world would be a much better place and not so digustingly overpopulated if only people who were really cut out for it had kids...

I agree.. There are a lot of people who had kids that shouldn't have... But I also know some who straightened out once the kids came along.. They didn't want them, doubted having them, contemplated ending it early, etc.. But they had their kids, and they're great parents.. Now... After all the doubt.

You have some great general guidelines to follow; I agree with everything. But I also believe the human animal has a difficult time following guidelines.

GJ

[GuyJean]

Don't hard ass me on semantics you know what I'm saying.

Ohhh, AK. I've never done anything hard to your ass.

I think you're right, BTW.. Sometimes, I just take issue with people who've never experienced something preaching to those who have.. Like Communism, ideals look good on paper.

GJ

[Big Booger]

In his case, he was forced to pay child support. The court did get involved, and with their rikon, he has visititation, but it is not enforced at all... the money is however, because he works in Japan.... they take it directly out of his bank... He is in such a fucked condition.. it is beyond words...

$1,500 a month? That's outrageous! If you don't mind me asking, what's his salary?

I think he brings home about $3000.. so in essence, half.

[cstaylor]

I think he brings home about $3000.. so in essence, half.

He should skip the country. He'll never be able to build a suitable home for himself in Japan on $18,000/yr.

With only two visitations a year, and his wife getting a guaranteed sucker's pay of $1,500 a month with no guarantee that the cash is going to the kids, he's just wasting away for nothing.

Does he really think his wife has nothing but nice things to say about him to his kids during the 363 days a year he's not a part of their lives?

[Pencilslave]

Before you have a kid you should know for sure in your heart that if the kid is severely handicapped you'll still want it. . The world would be a much better place and not so digustingly overpopulated if only people who were really cut out for it had kids. You need a nice savings plus a solid income, a very solid peaceful marriage with no trust problems at all, patience (extreme patience) and education and intelligence (that's right dumbasses shouldn't breed). The way people always encourage married couples to hurry up and have kids is stupid. Having a baby just because you want one is just plain selfish.

I couldn't agree more! One of the things that makes me feel that way is what I see at work sometimes. Parents will drop their little kids (5-8 year olds )at the video arcade and go shopping. Usually the older kids will be the one to look after the youger ones, but let's be honest, how reliable a guardian is a child that age? The boss and my fellow employees try to keep an eye on these kids to make sure they're safe and they don't get hurt or in trouble, but we can only do so much.

Someone who is so damned self absorbed they can't keep an eye on their children while they're shopping have no business having kids.

If I had my way, there'd be a goverment program that offered either free or low cost vasectomies and tubal ligations. There'd be a lot less unwanted children because some dumbass was too lazy to use birth control.

[Maths Dude]

Skip the country sounds good to me. The kids have been poisoned by the mother, it's all over. I know, I was one of those kids.

[Ketou]

Skip the country sounds good to me. The kids have been poisoned by the mother, it's all over. I know, I was one of those kids.

And how, after realizing that, do you view your father?

[Maths Dude]

He's dead now. Dead at 54. Never got the chance to make peace.